Think Smart

I deliberated over writing this post for the longest time and then decided I wanted to write it after all. I am not sure if anyone even reads this blog any more anyway so it's more just as a place mark for myself than anyone else.

So, it's now 3 years and 3 months since I gave birth to my second surrogate baby. Time has flown and I still have no contact whatsoever with either him or his fathers. I have made peace with any upset and hurt about that a long time ago now.

However, I do want to talk about me. What's happened with me over the last few years and specifically surrogacy related. No, I've not had another baby. Nor have I've matched and have no plans to again either. But what I have been left with from this birth is a disability - that is directly attributable to the birth which is a very hard pill to swallow.

When you decide to be a surrogate, you never think bad things will happen. Sure you know they could but you weigh up the risks and decide to play the odds anyway. Unfortunately I 'lost', I went into labour a healthy woman and less than 24 hours later, my healtht world change and all for just a small sum of money and another immense sense of pride.
Now, this is not a pity me post, rather it is is a little nudge to anyone who has come across my blog and is looking either for, or to be, a surrogate. A reminder to be smart and go into a match eyes wide open to the possibility that bad things, and even the worst, do and can happen in the pursuit of surrogacy.

As a surrogate, I suppose you could say I drew the short-straw with the way my IPs dumped me and the trauma of the birth and beyond - I'm left with a literal, constant, reminder of what I've been left with out of our journey. However, even if a surrogate has a positive relationship with their current or former IP, if your life is left negatively changed forever, that's little consolation. So please, use me as an example of what can go wrong both with the relationship and with your own health and think long hard if it's really worth the risk. If the answer is no, don't continue. I wish I had properly appreciated the risks.

To finish on a happier note, despite the daily difficulties, I am doing well - my family and I moved to another country, I'm at university and will soon graduate and I'm thankful for my children and husband that bit more now because I would not have survived and thrived without them and my family. Please, don't feel sorry for me as I said before; just be smart and careful for me!

All Change

F is now a big brother to not one sibling but two, I heard on the grapevine that the twins were born prematurely (on my birthday too) but are healthy thankfully and I did send a message to my former IFs to congratulate them because I'm not that bitter. I do hope they are treating their latest surrogate well and she doesn't experience what I did afterwards from them.

Contact between us all has remained non-existent, I'm still blocked on Facebook too. I refuse to play games and do the same and so haven't blocked them back and despite not being actively involved in surrogacy anymore, I still hear and see things and so know F is happy and healthy and that's enough.

On a side note, I did re-match for a very short time earlier this year but quickly realised I didn't actually want any more surrogate babies after all and so called it off - no regrets. My life has completely changed from this time last year and surrogacy is no longer part of my life apart from running my Facebook group and even that I'm not actively involved in any more. Sure a picture or an update would always be nice but I don't lose any sleep over it, I've reached a point where I've made peace with what is and hope they have done the same.

*Waves*

I clicked on the link here from somewhere else and thought I'd stamp my visit with a quick post.

My former IF's current surrogate is pregnant with twins and I hear all is going well. I wish them luck, they'll need it - 3 under 2? Oooft!I'm no longer active in surrogacy circles apart from my involvement with my Facebook group and yes, I do have days where I miss it and get the urge but that chapter of my life is still closed, I certainly don't miss the drama!

Happy 1st Birthday!

F is 1 today and so I wish him a very happy special day, I'm sure he's being spoilt and surrounded by lots of love, presents and cake!

Déjà vu

First post of 2015 and wishing it could be a nicer one but it seems like I picked my IPs poorly once again, must be a knack I have. It's not something I'm going to air in public but I always said my blogs would be completely honest whether that was good or bad - suffice to say my former IFs and I are no longer friends after being lied to and them having zero respect for our supposed friendship. It's all very familiar. At this point I am absolutely sick of being trampled over though, I mean, fucking hell you give these people a baby they would never of had otherwise and they can't even be half decent afterwards. I'm so fed up of being continually disappointed by my IPs and, if you'd asked me over 5 years ago if I ever had concerns of being taken advantage of, lied to, treated like crap or cast aside then it would of been a resounding no - I had faith in IPs and expected they would treat a surrogate like she deserved (and vice-versa) but nowadays I'm actively warning IPs and surrogates of the potential for these kind of outcomes. I'm an intelligent woman as anyone who really knows me will agree, I guard my heart, I don't fall for promises of the world and yet twice I've been fooled into thinking people are something they aren't. It's times like these I'm glad I'm antisocial and avoid the world, some people sure suck and situations like this just prove it.

Surrogacy is still awesome, don't get me wrong and when it works - it works! I don't regret making the 2 babies I have either but boy do I wish I had not had the same bad experience twice, it marrs what could of otherwise been a fantastic experience and leaves a sour ending, which no-one wants. Wouldn't mind if I was as cold-hearted as them, or a terrible surrogate - maybe you could then argue I reaped what I sowed but I'm an awesome surrogate even if I do say so myself! I don't ask for much and I give it my all and I'm always me - no diva demands, no drama and absolutely always completely honest. I put so much into my journeys but maybe that's where I go wrong. First time I invested myself too heavily in every sense but this time I deliberately didn't and yet it still went wrong so who knows.

I honestly want to throw the towel in completely - hand my Facebook group over, prune all surrogacy people from my life and just forget I ever got involved with it all but, I love what I do and it goes without saying there are some fantastic people out there that I'm proud to call my friends and I would hate to lose those connections but right now I'm sick to my stomach of it all. I'm disappointed mostly, with some hurt thrown in.
However, on a more positive note - this all happened for the most part in 2014 and it is a new year, with new possibilities and the chance to leave all that disappointment and hurt behind. 2013 was a shit year for surrogacy and sadly it seems 2014 followed suit but 2015 hopefully won't and besides surrogacy I have so much good stuff happening right now, with more in the pipeline and so it's not all doom in gloom in my world and I'm drawing a line under the crappiness of last year!

Hola!

Wow, first entry in almost 4 months but I'm here and although absolutely nothing truly noteworthy to update with, I still felt I should mark my visit by posting something!

I'm currently a busy student, in training for my dream career and I often am surprised I've not met myself coming back but I'm loving it, I was born to do this. My own little family are growing up way too fast, my oldest is going to secondary school next year - I simply can't believe it, he'll always be my baby regardless of course.

Fin is 9 months old and his daddies tell me he is crawling and trying to stand up these days, he's hitting all milestones, doing everything he should be doing and has a better social life than me. His daddies and I keep in touch, not perhaps as much as we once did but I think the current set up suits us all for the most part. We've decided there will be no sibling project with my involvement after all, various reasons but there's no drama about it as far as I'm aware.
Will this be the end of my surrogacy story? Who really knows is the honest answer. I've made lots of friends over the years, there are a lot of lovely and very deserving IPs who are still searching for that special lady and I, or rather my uterus, is free and potentially still pretty awesome at baking babies for others so perhaps. Maybe. I need to consider the flipside - the drama, the worries, the what ifs, the potential pitfalls to both my head, health and my heart but also I'm not sure I have the time or energy to commit to all that surrogacy entails once again, it can be a long year at the very least. My 2 journeys so far have been very draining, for a variety of reasons and even if 3rd time lucky - can I really go through it all again? I really don't know.

For now I keep my head down and I sleep, eat, study, parent, study, rinse and repeat but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Daddies Are Official!

We all attended court today and the Parental Order was granted without any problem - it was the conclusion of what has been an absolutely amazing 14 months.

Our Cafcass worker attended, I think she really felt a connection with the guys and our case and wanted to be a part of the big moment - sweet and we didn't mind. She was a pain in the ass a little, bugging my IFs for extra information and making a mountain out of a molehill on a few points but she came through and it wasn't a big deal in the end. She was really complimentary about the guys and wanted it noted in the official report that 'in twenty years of social work, she has never encountered such loving, committed and caring parents'. Sweet and very true. The 3 judges were very nice too and had no reservations in granting the order, it was surprising how quickly it was over to be honest, we waited longer for the summary to be prepared after than the hearing which was mere minutes. Afterwards we all had a photo taken together - judges, court advisor, Cafcass, myself, the guys and the star of the 'show', baby Fin. They gave Finley a panda teddy which was a touching gesture, I'm sure it's nice for them to be a part of something so positive when you consider what they probably see on a daily basis, as judges in a family court. The court advisor told us that the office ladies had been waiting all morning to meet Finley and so they came out to see him and were as taken with him as expected and even our Cafcass officer had a hold and was in love with the little guy. He's such a charmer and that smile gets everyone!

Afterwards, the guys, Fin and I went out for some lunch to celebrate, it's been 4 months since we've been together in person but we do talk every day, still it's nice to chat and laugh together in person. It also gave me the opportunity to have lots and lots of baby cuddles. That boy is so gorgeous, he has big blue eyes, long eyelashes, a cute little nose and the biggest of smiles for everyone around him - such a happy boy.

It was lovely that I was able to be a part of proceedings today, such a contrast to my last journey which can be said for every part of this match really - I've been truly blessed with the relationship we all have with one another and what we achieved together. Today was a day I'll treasure, yet another fantastic memory made with the guys.

Now the focus shifts to what comes next....