Daddies Are Official!

We all attended court today and the Parental Order was granted without any problem - it was the conclusion of what has been an absolutely amazing 14 months.

Our Cafcass worker attended, I think she really felt a connection with the guys and our case and wanted to be a part of the big moment - sweet and we didn't mind. She was a pain in the ass a little, bugging my IFs for extra information and making a mountain out of a molehill on a few points but she came through and it wasn't a big deal in the end. She was really complimentary about the guys and wanted it noted in the official report that 'in twenty years of social work, she has never encountered such loving, committed and caring parents'. Sweet and very true. The 3 judges were very nice too and had no reservations in granting the order, it was surprising how quickly it was over to be honest, we waited longer for the summary to be prepared after than the hearing which was mere minutes. Afterwards we all had a photo taken together - judges, court advisor, Cafcass, myself, the guys and the star of the 'show', baby Fin. They gave Finley a panda teddy which was a touching gesture, I'm sure it's nice for them to be a part of something so positive when you consider what they probably see on a daily basis, as judges in a family court. The court advisor told us that the office ladies had been waiting all morning to meet Finley and so they came out to see him and were as taken with him as expected and even our Cafcass officer had a hold and was in love with the little guy. He's such a charmer and that smile gets everyone!

Afterwards, the guys, Fin and I went out for some lunch to celebrate, it's been 4 months since we've been together in person but we do talk every day, still it's nice to chat and laugh together in person. It also gave me the opportunity to have lots and lots of baby cuddles. That boy is so gorgeous, he has big blue eyes, long eyelashes, a cute little nose and the biggest of smiles for everyone around him - such a happy boy.

It was lovely that I was able to be a part of proceedings today, such a contrast to my last journey which can be said for every part of this match really - I've been truly blessed with the relationship we all have with one another and what we achieved together. Today was a day I'll treasure, yet another fantastic memory made with the guys.

Now the focus shifts to what comes next....

Update

Just to say I have gone back to my birth story post and added what I can, which surprisingly seems to be a lot!

So, have a read if you have a spare 10 minutes.   :o)

Another Absence & Apology!

I honestly don't know where to start, I've just been so busy hence not updating my blog in quite some time.

Work is going great, I love it - it's hard work but so rewarding and the hours fit around the rest of my commitments. Especially looking forward to my night shifts again this week, something about the quiet of the night (well kinda, there's still lots to be done but it's a slower pace) and it means I can get my professional development folder updated because there never seems to be enough hours in the day time to get any of that done then!

I got accepted to start studying on the first rung of the ladder to eventually becoming a healthcare professional and I'm so excited! It is going to be a massive challenge not only academically but also logistically because I'll be attending classes 4 days a week but I'm ready, I've waited a long time for this opportunity.

My children are all good. However, my oldest had a minor operation that's turned into a bit of a lengthy nightmare due to complications both directly and indirectly related to it and is now on his 3rd week off school. Hopefully though he's on the mend and now on the right medication and we can get him back on form and without any more delays. It's kept me very busy though, having him here every day which only adds to the manic pace of my life lately. All of them are going to my mum's for the whole of the school holidays in 4 weeks, and hubster and I are going to use the opportunity to work as much as possible and get the house sorted out. This year is the first year I've felt comfortable with letting all 3 stay in Scotland for so long, without us. It's nothing to do with my mum but everything to do with mum guilt and worry...I don't think that has gone but I need to let them go and they are so excited already, it'd be more cruel to not to let the youngest go this time as he loves my mum!

Surrobaby Fin is doing perfectly - he's now 14lbs something if my memory serves me right and keeping his dads busy. They are so in love with him and tell me regularly how they cannot believe he's really here and all theirs. He's off on his first family holiday to Italy on Thursday for his Uncle's wedding - 4 months old and jet setting already.

We had the DNA testing done that the court ordered, ready for the Parental Order hearing and all was as expected - I'd not be able to write this update if the test had shown he was anything other than his daddy's (and the donor's) because my heart would of stopped. LOL. However Cafcass have been less than straight forward, simply because the lady in charge of visiting both of us, getting written consent and submitting her report to the court, is a bit of a pain in my opinion. It's her first surrogacy case, not unusual because my first surrobaby's officer had never done one before but this woman seems to focus too much on some parts and not enough on the rest - which are all equally as necessary and important. She visited my IF's twice, the 2nd time meeting one set of Fin's grandparents. All very nice and jolly but not necessary and she could of used that time to sort things out my end. As it stands, I had one call off her last week to tell me an officer here where I live is to visit me to get my paperwork completed and that's it. This is since April. Oh and did I mention her report is to be filed in 3 days time. It's not my problem to be honest, harsh but really I am a small part in this matter - all I need to do is make myself available should an officer wish to visit or talk to me and sign my rights away when the paperwork is presented to me. I'm not going to chase after them which sounds a bit sharp but I've done my bit, I'm here to sign on the dotted line and that's it now. However, if I were my IFs then I'd be spitting fire because the woman quite simply seems clueless and now it's causing issues with the process. I hope by some miracle she pulls it out the bag but she's certainly cutting it close. I wonder (hope!) if she can submit my paperwork after her report goes in or whether it all needs to be done and dusted and put in - I suppose we're going to find out soon enough. Frustrating for my IFs though because they've done everything they can to expedite the process to where we are currently and now it's all out of their hands and in the lap of this woman. Hopefully all ends well and we'll be in court, as planned, on the 29th July to get the little man and his parents legally recognised on paper.

And now on to the consultation review appointment! Let me preface this by saying it was a very helpful appointment, I got a lot from it and closure too. Also more food for thought that I had expected but overall it was a positive experience. The consultant agreed that I got very unlucky to have such a mix of things come together at once. To get pre-eclampsia, be induced, have a cervical tear, antibodies in my blood and then a massive hemorrhage was very unfortunate and rare. Thankfully because it's rare, it means it may not happen again. She thinks that because I developed pre-eclampsia very late, it probably wouldn't happen again until late should it happen again at all. I'll be so well monitored and extra closely too that it could be managed with early intervention should it reoccur. Apparently the reason I had a hemorrhage was probably due to retained membranes after delivery. Now, this can happen to anyone first pregnancy or fifteenth (infact with my first surrobaby, I had retained membranes that caused an infection) but because my uterus wouldn't have been well toned due to this being my 5th pregnancy and delivery and so quickly after my last delivery, it meant it wasn't able to cope with that happening as good as someone with only 1 or 2 pregnancies to date. Her thinking is that the constant contracting of my uterus to expel the foreign material, just as it's meant to do, stopped the blood vessels from clamping down and controlling bleeding as much as they should of done - leading to a huge amount of clots from the blood pooling out of control in my uterus. Also, the fact I had 2 babies so close together (within 14 months of each other) didn't help - my uterus didn't have a chance perhaps to fully rest and recover to it's non-pregnant state. Yes, I am still at risk of that happening again because another pregnancy would be my 6th delivery but equally, it doesn't mean it will happen and/or be as severe as last time. I had assumed she would suggest an elective c-section if there's a next time but actually she said absolutely not, that I labour well, deliver quickly and the risks of a section from 'what ifs' would outweigh the benefits.

The antibodies it appears were actually present in an antenatal blood sample from 2007, that was when I was pregnant with my 2nd child! I was never told, which was dangerous as if I'd needed blood that time during childbirth, I'd of potentially of become very sick and more worryingly, the babies I've had since could of become sick in utero because I wouldn't have known to of been monitored. The consultant thinks I've tested negative for that antibody every pregnancy since because my levels dropped below detection but it always remained and at that level, low enough not to cause problem or concerns. If that's the case, I suppose I got lucky that it took another 3 pregnancies for it to become a problem. She said that they would monitor my blood levels very closely in any future pregnancies and if it reached a certain threshold then they would refer me to Fetal Medicine at my specialist hospital for further monitoring. Worst case scenario would be baby would need a blood transfusion whilst in my womb and/or photo-therapy post-delivery (the latter just as Fin had) but it's manageable and very few women get to that stage, it's certainly not as worrying as the more common Rhesus (D) antibody that everyone frets about and is more risky during pregnancy.

And finally, she said the cervical tear is a non-issue in terms of future pregnancies and competency in carrying a baby full-term. All in all it was good news and yes, we did have the conversation about whether I could or should carry another baby in the future and my fear of her screaming at me a resounding 'NO!' didn't happen. She of course said I should be cautious and consider everything but that if that was what I wanted to do then they would pro-actively manage my pregnancy, monitor and treat if necessary and hopefully get myself and baby through safely.

This lead to a massive discussion between my IFs and I, they have been amazing at supporting me through this process, along with digesting the information we've received and then making their own decision and it does appear that we will tentatively begin trying for a sibling in the near future. I'm excited, I'm apprehensive of course but I feel positive about it. I'm not dumb, this has taken a lot of thought and discussion with everyone involved from professionals, my IPs and especially from my family but ultimately I feel that the risks can be managed, and without the element of bad luck and bad timing (getting pregnant so quickly again) being present next time, that I can have a healthy and uneventful final pregnancy and that's why I offered to have one last surrogate baby. There is categorically no way I will have any further babies after this - I've always, and you can quote me on this on this and my other blog, said I would love to have sibling babies and that will be the case, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I'm done DONE and will go into this final journey knowing that and being completely at peace with that, no more unfinished business!

The timing of this sibling journey has been worked around academic commitments, I hope to carry and deliver before the course gets super intense and then when I'm done making babies I will be able to concentrate wholly over the next few years on getting my degree and getting my own career off the ground at long last. I like the idea that I have concrete future plans in place already for once my surrogacy days are over - I can't explain it, it just feels right - there's a certain logic and flow to our plans this time and it feels it's naturally meant to be this way.

I never went back and updated my birth story, it's not going to happen now either. I still have almost zero memories and my notes didn't particularly fill in any gaps and I've made peace for the most part that it's going to have to stay a bit of a blur and full of mystery to me. Does it really matter anyway? A little but I can't change it. I did read I was in theatre for a couple of hours to control the bleeding and at one point, Fin's heart rate dipped down to 60bpm but apart from those dramatic bits of info gleaned from my notes, it was all pretty much as I thought. It was what it was and both Fin and I came through alive and kicking and that's all the truly matters.

What else have I forgotten? Oh yes, AF did appear but not until the beginning of April and she's been unpredictable and weird for me (almost 3 weeks of spotting/bleeding) but I think things are starting to settle down a bit. I haven't missed them though and so I will definitely make the most of another break in dealing with them if I get pregnant!

I also appear to have rheumatoid arthritis. You may recall I talked a lot about random pains and joint pains in my blog since I had Fin, well it didn't get any better so I had some blood tests at my GP and it turns out my rheumatoid factor is high (80% of people who have a high level, are diagnosed with RA) and so I've got an urgent referral to a Rheumatologist next month. I was upset when it was first found but it makes sense and I just want to get some treatment and get on a management medication plan. With both my grandmother and my mum having arthritis/bone thinning, I'm not surprised. My grandmother infact was diagnosed within a very short period of time after delivery of my mum and they do think pregnancy can set the wheels in motion with the disease so it seems I'm following the same pattern. You know what? There's worse I could be dealing with.

In the course of testing my blood for the cause of my pains, my GP suggested he test my Vitamin D levels as a lot of women who have aches and pains and have a baby recently and especially who have had babies in short periods of time have low levels. Well, I'm apparently severely deficient and have been started on a high loading dose of prescription Vit D for 7 weeks and then will move onto a lower dose maintainence prescription for a year, with regular blood tests in there as it can be toxic if your levels go too high and cause kidney problems. Apparently most of the UK are deficient to some degree as the best source is sunlight. It's hard to get even the minimum requirement of it from your diet and over the counter supplements don't cut it for most and so all that and add in lots of babies making you even more deficient and yeah, I'm not surprised! My aches are definitely better from taking the meds already but we'll see when my blood test comes back, what effect they've had on my levels - not expecting much change after this initial high loading dosing but any climb in numbers would be encouraging.

Both of these conditions may have some impact on a future pregnancies and so I'll need to be mindful of them and consult with the professionals but neither is a reason not to have another, just makes it that bit more challenging perhaps? Plenty of women with arthritis have babies and actually find a lull in their condition due to the hormones and almost all pregnant women are low on Vit D during pregnancy and it causes no problems so just to put it in there in context to say that neither should be a barr to me enjoying a happy and healthy future pregnancy.

Right, this entry is turning into an epic so I'll stop but hopefully I filled you in on the latest and should another couple of months whizz by without an entry, I'm at least not going to be even further behind with catching up.

Next up is the Parental Order hearing and I'm certain I'll be back to share the news that it's all done and dusted - and without any delay, fingers crossed!

Busy

Not much to report on the surrogacy front, still waiting for my re-requested notes and waiting on the consultant appointment.

I had a lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland, visiting my mum and didn't want to come home which is always what happens. It was just chilled and the kids had a blast. AF arrived to wave me off on the first day - I was glad she showed up but the timing could of been a bit better. It was fine as far as first post-partum periods go. It was also nice to come back from my holiday without any injections, my 6 week twice daily Clexane jabs finished whilst I was away and I also indulged in my first (and second, third and fourth!) alcoholic drink for the first time in 13 years whilst away too - see, a very good break away indeed!

My back behaved for the most part during my holiday but various other aches and pains that just will not go away continued. I have a painful and clicking elbow, a painful knee and both shoulders hurt every single morning. It seems to ease as the day goes on but little tweaks of pain remind me throughout the day. Must see the dr about that, and the bp review, but I pushed the latter back as I was away a week longer than first planned. Not had my 6 week check either and considering Fin is 10 weeks at the end of this week, I don't see any point so will skip that particular check-up.

I didn't end up attending the first court hearing, we didn't get back from Scotland until early hours on the Sunday and the Monday was a Bank Holiday Monday so I couldn't do anything to catch up on things I'd let slip so needed to stay at home Tuesday in the end to get caught up - not least getting my poor daughter's dental appointment sorted for her smashed mouth. The guys understood and I was sad but it simply wasn't do'able in the end. We'll catch up though very soon I'm sure.

Apparently by all accounts court went fine, we learnt Czech law has no bearing on the UK legal process regarding surrogacy so that was great news! However the magistrates, all 4 of them, have ordered a DNA test for me, my IF and my husband - it was one of the first things they said. I was surprised when hearing this from my IF because I had never heard of any surro or IP being required to provide this in all my years on the surrogacy circuit but I know it's a certainly something any surrogate or IP can be required to do. The court where the hearing was held has never done a surrogacy PO before so it seems perhaps they are just following the procedure to the letter, which is not a bad thing but just extra expense for my IFs.

Don't understand why my husband needs to provide proof he's not the father, so long as one of my IFs can prove they are. I think perhaps there was a misunderstanding by the judges or something because it's not logical but you don't argue with the court! Unfortunately they also stipulated that the testing needs to be done and in by mid May, which is not good timing for me because this week and next week I'm flat-out busy, with very little spare time. This testing has to be done by a court verified company and involves me attending a doctor's surgery along with photos to get verified also. All very official.

Feeling pretty stirred up about where I go next, do I do another journey or do I call it a day? I'm under no pressure at all either way, no screaming rush but it's what my head is processing more and more lately. It's hard because I don't want to put any expectation on my former IFs but at the same time, I do want at least a tentative answer as to what they would like in terms of a sibling and if so, what sort of time frame they are looking at. If they decide they don't want a sibling/use me again/not in a time frame that works for me then I'll maybe look at other potential IPs. Not saying I will match again, or I won't but it's an option maybe.

I've got 2 interviews for nursing courses, one in Scotland and one here in Bristol. Dependent on which one I get (or if I'm lucky enough to get an offer on both) then I'll have to factor that in when looking at where surrogacy features in all that. Always the planner, I have already worked out a plan for how it *could* pan out and work around studying. What I have come to realise though is that this time of my life is mine and whereas in the past perhaps I've put off my own ambitions in favour of helping others and making their dreams come true, not any longer - if it doesn't fit for me and my family, it's not happening, and I think I'm OK with finally being a little bit selfish now.

Oh and I've just started working, first time in almost 12 years I've held a job outside of the home so that's a huge adjustment but I'm very excited to be getting out into the adult world. LOL.

I'm continuing to lose weight, I'm just about to start some serious training for my 5K in July now that I'm safely past the 6 week waiting period and my back has settled down. Here was a pic from a couple of weeks ago, I may still look like a blimp to some but I've definitely lost weight and am feeling good about myself.

So life is moving at the manic pace it always did and I'm loving it for the most part. I won't lie and say that I don't question why I did surrogacy some days, when everything hurts and I'm emotional but I would never change a thing and if I'm looking at doing another journey then it can't be that bad, right?! Or maybe I'm just bonkers as one lovely lady recently suggested!

Different Thoughts

My notes arrived today but they were so poorly photo-copied that some of it I can't even read and some parts are missing for some reason so they're not that helpful and I'm going to have to re-request them before my consultant meeting. It also means that I can't finish up my birth story either, I think it's a lost cause to be honest to try and get it written up in any more detail than the clinical version of events. I can't remember most of it as I've already said and the weeks are turning into months and the bits I can recall are getting hazy and I'm questioning them. I have asked my IFs to write their version but understandably, they've got their hands a bit full currently!

From the small bit I did read/decipher, I see that things didn't start to go downhill post-delivery until a good couple of hours after Fin was delivered which is not how it seemed to me. What was I doing in that time? I don't recall doing anything, I thought it was within half an hour it all kicked off! See, I've no hope of recalling much of anything by the way of a birth story I don't think.

I've also been dealing with what appears to be a pinched sciatic nerve this past week and a bit. Oh god, agony doesn't do it justice, I went to bed one night and was fine apart from the general back pain I've had a while now and mentioned in my previous post and the next morning and I couldn't get out of bed. Literally. I ended up on crutches, on seriously strong painkillers and pain patches and nothing touched it, I was absolutely miserable to say the least but just as I was thinking this was going to ruin our planned holiday to Scotland the end of this week, I basically jumped out of bed yesterday and was 85% better!? Weird eh, I can only assume whatever I clicked or trapped, fixed itself during the night. Whatever happened, I was so grateful. However this evening, the general back pain has flared again but I think it's because I've spent much of the day sat down on my behind and that will make back pain/sciatica pain worse so at least that may explain it. I just hope it doesn't all start again!

I saw my GP today regarding my BP meds once again and my BP is lower than 4 weeks ago but not quite back to normal so I'm cutting down to 1 tablet a day and have to go back in 4 weeks and if it's similar or lower, I can stop them completely so fingers crossed!

I spoke with her about my constantly clicking joints too and she said that it can take up to 6 months for the hormones to go back to normal and in that time, to take it very easy so as not to cause any problems - such as what happened with my back. I stretch or even turn over in bed and my shoulders click, I walk and my knees click, my left elbow constantly clicks out of joint whenever I move it and the joint is now sore to the touch and if I bend over, my hips click. Ouch. I'm also suffering a painful neck and oddly enough my collarbone too, she said again that it's muscular and joints and my body telling me to slow down so I will take that on board and do very little when we're away next week, for sure because I'm pretty fed up of hurting all the time and feeling like an old lady lately.

I'm also down to the last few days of Clexane injections - so very pleased about that because the past week or so and every jab has hurt and my tummy is plastered in bruises and stab marks and lumps, which hurt when I wear clothes, hurt when I wash up, hurt when I cuddle my children and just plain HURT.

Still no sign of AF, which is a surprise because I have felt she was going to arrive at any moment for a few weeks but apparently not. I know she'll show in her own good time, and at the most inconvenient one at that of course but yeah, let's get it over and done with so I know things are working as they should please!
 
Talking about all these aches and pains, it really does bring it home to you what a surrogate deals with on a continuing basis. I mean we all know that getting pregnant can be a drag, the side effects of medicines can be uncomfortable and of course being pregnant isn't always a ball of fun either but when IPs go home and their life is changed for the better because they have their much longed for baby and they are living their dream, the surrogate however comes back down to earth with a bump, or well ya know - without a bump as the case may be, and in my case a snap, crackle and pop! I have said it before on my other surrogacy blog and will say it again - a surrogate truly deserves their compensation for the post-partum period and then some. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved for a 2nd time, I have nothing but fuzzy feelings of love for the journey my IFs and I have shared and it's a fantastic experience but there is a downside and things like continuing pain, changing dynamics and feeling lost once you no longer have that purpose of growing a baby any more, are all that downside.

And of course the ever present and strange feelings that come with the change in the relationship with your IPs, the one that throws up such questions as: are they only keeping in touch because they feel they should? Do they really care? What are they really thinking? You can never be sure, you certainly don't want to ask because never do you want to come across as needy or even worse, paranoid but you do wonder sometimes. I particularly hate this part post-partum because I'm naturally curious but also a bit of a worrier and would hate to burden my IPs with any expectation of contact and communication, I want it to be natural and freely given or not at all. No-one should feel obliged, after all the main purpose of the match has been met and anything after is purely goodwill on everyones part.

Fin and his daddies are doing well, Fin is starting to stretch his night feeds a little longer and the guys are adjusting to life with little sleep - it's amazing how your body and mind adapt and what seemed like torture and impossible to deal with, becomes the norm after a while! Looking forward to seeing them this month for our first court hearing for the Parental Order process - it's come around very fast but it'll be lovely to get things started and hopefully wrapped up in a timely manner.

This past month, there was an email from the clinic asking my IFs what they wanted to do with their remaining 2 frozen embryos - did they want to use them now, did they want to store them again or do they want to donate/destroy them? That was a strange email to read since it's only been a few weeks since Fin's arrival. I know they have to ask but yeah, just weird! I think the guys are going to continue to keep them on ice and the price for 2 years worth of storage is only a few more euros so it makes sense to pay for that amount of time as they were going to do so for at least another year anyway.

I have my date to see the consultant for a chat about the delivery and aftermath and it's the 15th May so that will give me enough time to get my notes re-sent and gather my list of questions.

Lastly, I have my 6 week post-natal check up with my GP on the 15th of this month, I've never had one before so it'll be interesting to see what that involves but knowing the GP probably something in nothing. I'll report back either way!

Ticking Over

Feel like I should post something here but what, since there's not much new to talk about?!

I am still waiting on my labour notes but apparently the Head of Midwifery has them and has requested a date for me to meet with the consultant. I'm happy about this because the list of questions I have is growing longer and longer and I'm impatient to get the answers. I've done so much reading these past few weeks and I do truly believe I just got very unlucky with all that happened and it could of happened to anyone - first pregnancy or sixth or anywhere in between. There's so many things that happened that upped my risk factor and most of those were out of my control but a sequence of events and remove them and there's no reason I couldn't of had a smooth delivery, just like my previous 4 for the most part.

Physically, I'm hurting. That sums it up. I am suffering bad back pain strangely, I never had it prior to this delivery and now it hurts all the time, I joke that the person who gave me their blood also gave me their backache because there's no other reason for it although I doubt having my legs heaved onto my chest for the best part of 2 hours helped matters of course. I think I'm ovulating currently, judging by my bodily signs. It's comforting and slightly depressing to think my body has adapted from pregnancy to back to normal so soon and of course if this is ovulation then that means AF can't be too far away and that is depressing - I've not missed her! But on the flip side, it's nice to know that despite all the trauma, my body is getting back to normal and fertility returning.

My blood results came back from my GP and my full blood count is almost back to normal and my iron stores are on the lower end of normal and this is without any iron supplements for the past 10 days so I guess I'm safe to continue not to take them and see how things go. I've been monitoring my BP and it seems pretty stable for the most part - a few times it's been spiked high but nothing regular so perhaps a combination of these meds and giving it some time for my body to calm itself post-delivery has done its job and when I have my post-partum check up in a week and a bit, hopefully I can get signed off taking the tablets and get the thumbs up to begin exercising because I've continued with the post-partum weight loss and now want to get active to give it a nudge onwards. I'm so close to weighing less than I have in 10 years so that's a huge motivation to move my behind!

Talking of getting active, I have entered for a 5k race. I am so pumped to do it, it's not only for a very good cause but my son is racing it with me - for moral support for me but also it's encouraging him to eat more healthily and get fitter so it's a win-win situation. I have a while to go so plenty of time to take things slowly and build up to the big day but I'm still apprehensive.

Last week I met up with my IFs and baby Finley, I was so excited that I could of burst, actually I was afraid I may burst...out crying....but held it together and it was fantastic. I was given a lovely gift of a photo book which contained pics of Fin and us all, it was very special to look at, definitely one for the memory box. Such a thoughtful gift. They are such good daddies and Finley is absolutely gorgeous and thriving and it made me feel very proud watching the 3 of them together. We had a great time catching up in person and I'm going to see them again next month for the preliminary court hearing for the Parental Order application. It's all moving swiftly and without complication which compared to my last experience, with my former IFs, is nice! I still speak to my IFs on a daily basis and they send me photos, it's great that we are still close and I love to see how Fin's changing so fast. I can't believe he's almost 5 weeks old already, it seems forever ago that he was in my tummy and we were eagerly awaiting his arrival! So much has happened generally, my life went back to being full-on within days and my daughter had a pretty serious accident and bashed her face this past Saturday and that's taken my focus, at least for this past week. It always seems something serious happens within a month post-partum, that completely throws me off course - last time it was my mum breaking her hip but as I always say, never a dull day in my life! Between that, a uni open day, a job interview and lots more on top, yep, no time to think too much!

On a final note - I am jaded by things in the surrogacy world of late, just lots of drama and fake people out there, not to mention the rise in scammers that have popped up lately. It's infuriating that people like me, with a genuine heart and love for it, are tainted when people with less scruples and no good intentions come along - surrogacy is hard enough to get out there and in a positive light and people and stories like those do none of us decent surrogates and IPs any favours. However, I still blow the surrogacy trumpet loud and proud regardless because when it's done right, it's life changing for all involved and nothing short of a miracle.

Overall, I'm feeling good mentally and just waiting on the physical side to catch up with that. No regrets, much love for my IFs and their beautiful son and feeling like I'm pretty awesome, even if I say so myself!

'Will you have any more?'

That is the most asked question, along with the aged-old favourite of 'how are you feeling?' I don't mind the latter, it's nice that people care - or perhaps they are hoping I'm crumbling inside and can say 'ha, told you so!'? No, not really but I'm sure there are some who that may apply to.

Anyway, with regards to the title - why is it that people ask you that whilst you've not even quit contracting?! I mean, what a dumb question to ask already but every pregnancy I've heard it. Well, yes, I'd love to have another surrogate baby and I think I'm pretty good at it too but of course I'm not dumb enough to simply jump feet first into anything after all that's happened, it's not just about me but about my family too.

I promised my IFs that I'd do a sibling project for them, right from the start and that promise stands true. Whether it actually happens, for whatever reason on either side, well, it's too early to say of course. It's a tricky situation because the embryos we have stored have to be used by me pretty much, although there are possibly ways around it and so there's that to factor in also. I have no qualms about doing it for the guys again, I adore them and we absolutely rocked as a team - there really is zero reason why I wouldn't get knocked up for them again! LOL.

I do love the look on people's faces when I say that though, they look at me with a look of 'you're nuts' crossed with 'you're amazing'.

As for the second question, I'm doing alright. I had a horrible few days last week, where I just cried. A lot. I was even beginning to think perhaps I had some PND going on because I feel bleak. I haven't at any point been sad because I don't have a baby, that's not it, I think it was the changing dynamics between my IFs and I, which I struggled with at first with my last match but this time around the guys are fantastic at keeping in touch and it is helping. No, I think the majority of my feelings are about the post-birth stuff. I just can't make peace with the fact that I've lost precious memories, I have hardly any recollection of the entire Saturday he was born and only patchy of the Sunday and that makes me sad. Really really sad. Worse thing is there's nothing anyone can do, you can't magic those memories back and there's no playback feature either - they're gone forever. I so wanted this journey to be perfect in its entirety and the most important parts were of course, we had the most amazing match, a fantastic pregnancy, a fabulous friendship and baby is beautiful and safe. Oh and I'm alive. But, the end just didn't follow that pattern sadly and it was all out of our control. That's what I'm concentrating on when I feel down, that no-one is to blame and it's just 'one of those things', I need to let it go or else it'll continue to eat away at me but it's so very hard some days.

Also, I feel like shit physically still. I say still but I'm only just almost 3 weeks post-partum so I really shouldn't expect to be anywhere near back to normal, even if I'd not been through all I had but it's hard because I'm not the type who deals with pain or being slowed down - I like living my life at 100mph strangely enough but my body just won't co-operate.

My bleeding has almost stopped for the most part, which is pretty great - no complaints there, I did have a few days of weird bleeding, clots, tenderness and pain where I was worried I had a repeat of my first surrogacy going on and had some retained products but that's passed now things have settled down thankfully. No infection, I had a negative swab that cleared that worry up!

Boobs are fine, almost back to normal and certainly no engorgement which I was dreading given how big and painful they got and for how long with my last surro baby! I still leak intermittently but it's no big deal and getting better every few days.

Clexane jabs are a pain in the, well, tummy. Ugh. Hate them but hubster is doing a sterling job of stabbing me twice daily, bless him. Right side is always more stingy and painful than the left and the lower the better seems to be the best but I still have bruises, lumps, jab marks and sore spots which are not welcome. Still, if it keeps me healthy then we'll push onwards. 2 weeks down, another 4 to go.

No pain with the tear or stitches in the cervix so that's a huge positive!

However my BP is still a bit of an issue, it's not scary high but it is high and at this point and on BP meds, it really should be back to pre-pregnancy levels but it's not which is disappointing because I hate taking any meds and it would be easier to swallow (no pun intended!) if they were doing exactly as they should. I was discharged by my community midwife a week ago and into GP care and I saw him this week, it's still high and I am to take my meds to control it for another 4 weeks at least. Ugh. I want to make a plan with regards to moving forwards and getting this issue under control and then off the tablets asap! The tablets also are giving me flushing of my skin - I literally go bright red and burning hot in random places, for example my knees, my forearms, my chest and my lower legs alongside my face, when I then resemble a badly painted garden gnome with glowing red cheeks!

I'm having headaches every day at the moment, didn't have them the first week post-partum but did from the 2nd week and they hurt and linger almost constantly. I don't know if it's a BP issue, a BP med issue or tiredness or stress - although I'm not particularly stressed, or what but something has to give because it's miserable. I've now had to start taking codeine, instead of just paracetamol, when they are really bad.

Also, I am having stomach pain on a big scale, I hope it's just because of the iron tablets I'm on because I did experience a lot of pain when taking them previously. I do have a sensitive stomach anyway and often feel pain of some sort - this pain is excruciating when it hits though and I am literally left sobbing and rocking, bent over in agony. I almost considered going to A&E the last time I had an episode of it and I avoid hospitals at all costs so you can be assured it is indeed bad. My midwife said I should definitely continue the iron for the full 6 weeks at least because it will take a while for my body to catch up and I will probably infact experience a drop in my levels because the units of blood I received after delivery are only good at boosting the level in the short-term on their own.

I'm sure the anaemia is to blame perhaps for the headaches too which means I'm in a nasty cycle of take iron = pain, don't take it = headaches. Ugh. Also sure the low levels explain the huge lack of energy, shortness of breath and racing heartbeat I'm having too.

Saying goodbye to my lovely midwife was a bit of an emotional milestone. She's like an old friend, I've had her for 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies going back to 2004 so that's a lot of years! She's a genuinely nice lady and I have a lot of respect for her - not least for putting up with me coming back every few years! LOL. No, seriously though. We had a hug and both had a tear in our eye, she also retires by next year and so I won't see her again if I do get pregnant again which will be really strange and a bit sad to be honest. But, all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes.

Oh and another 'milestone' - my hubster went back to work too recently, he had been off for 3 weeks in total so it took some adjusting to. Life truly has returned to normal here in my household which is chaos and crazy but yeah, LOL.

So, yes, I'm feeling a bit of a wreck as things stand, which isn't helping my mental state sometimes but I'm focusing on the positives and doing something to distract myself every day. I've already started looking for my next 'challenge' in life, my next goal - which is to get to Uni finally. If you know me in real life, you'll know that this has been my goal since I was 17 and although it's taken me until almost 35 to get there hopefully, get there I will! So this past week that's been a huge focus, filling out application form after application form and now I have everything crossed and that's all I can do!

On a more positive note, Finley is thriving and the guys share photos with me on a daily basis and he's changing so much already. We're meeting up tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited to have baby cuddles and Daddy squishes! It's weird already to look at him and see nothing of myself looking back but no sadness about that, I can't compute that that little guy was in my tummy at some point! I know that sounds weird but I had that same feeling with my last surrobaby too - my brain just sees it differently for some reason I guess. He's gorgeous and the guys have had lots and lots of family, from far and wide visiting to say 'hello' to the little guy, I love seeing how my small contribution has made so many people happy, that helps chase the blues away on the bad days. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing journey and to see the result of our true team effort.

So, nearly 3 weeks out and that's where I am currently. I am waiting on my labour notes so I can do my birth story, it does bother me a bit because if they don't hurry up then I'm afraid the small snippets of recollection I do have will fade too. I'm also apprehensive about receiving them because I know it will be emotional reading them back but I need to do it to try and piece as much together as I can from them. I've also requested a meeting with my antenatal consultant to talk through things because I've done a lot of reading about what happened and have questions, I may not get all the answers I'm craving but at least some things may become a little clearer and I know that will help me to heal and move forwards.