My notes arrived today but they were so poorly photo-copied that some of it I can't even read and some parts are missing for some reason so they're not that helpful and I'm going to have to re-request them before my consultant meeting. It also means that I can't finish up my birth story either, I think it's a lost cause to be honest to try and get it written up in any more detail than the clinical version of events. I can't remember most of it as I've already said and the weeks are turning into months and the bits I can recall are getting hazy and I'm questioning them. I have asked my IFs to write their version but understandably, they've got their hands a bit full currently!
From the small bit I did read/decipher, I see that things didn't start to go downhill post-delivery until a good couple of hours after Fin was delivered which is not how it seemed to me. What was I doing in that time? I don't recall doing anything, I thought it was within half an hour it all kicked off! See, I've no hope of recalling much of anything by the way of a birth story I don't think.
I've also been dealing with what appears to be a pinched sciatic nerve this past week and a bit. Oh god, agony doesn't do it justice, I went to bed one night and was fine apart from the general back pain I've had a while now and mentioned in my previous post and the next morning and I couldn't get out of bed. Literally. I ended up on crutches, on seriously strong painkillers and pain patches and nothing touched it, I was absolutely miserable to say the least but just as I was thinking this was going to ruin our planned holiday to Scotland the end of this week, I basically jumped out of bed yesterday and was 85% better!? Weird eh, I can only assume whatever I clicked or trapped, fixed itself during the night. Whatever happened, I was so grateful. However this evening, the general back pain has flared again but I think it's because I've spent much of the day sat down on my behind and that will make back pain/sciatica pain worse so at least that may explain it. I just hope it doesn't all start again!
I saw my GP today regarding my BP meds once again and my BP is lower than 4 weeks ago but not quite back to normal so I'm cutting down to 1 tablet a day and have to go back in 4 weeks and if it's similar or lower, I can stop them completely so fingers crossed!
I spoke with her about my constantly clicking joints too and she said that it can take up to 6 months for the hormones to go back to normal and in that time, to take it very easy so as not to cause any problems - such as what happened with my back. I stretch or even turn over in bed and my shoulders click, I walk and my knees click, my left elbow constantly clicks out of joint whenever I move it and the joint is now sore to the touch and if I bend over, my hips click. Ouch. I'm also suffering a painful neck and oddly enough my collarbone too, she said again that it's muscular and joints and my body telling me to slow down so I will take that on board and do very little when we're away next week, for sure because I'm pretty fed up of hurting all the time and feeling like an old lady lately.
I'm also down to the last few days of Clexane injections - so very pleased about that because the past week or so and every jab has hurt and my tummy is plastered in bruises and stab marks and lumps, which hurt when I wear clothes, hurt when I wash up, hurt when I cuddle my children and just plain HURT.
Still no sign of AF, which is a surprise because I have felt she was going to arrive at any moment for a few weeks but apparently not. I know she'll show in her own good time, and at the most inconvenient one at that of course but yeah, let's get it over and done with so I know things are working as they should please!
Talking about all these aches and pains, it really does bring it home to you what a surrogate deals with on a continuing basis. I mean we all know that getting pregnant can be a drag, the side effects of medicines can be uncomfortable and of course being pregnant isn't always a ball of fun either but when IPs go home and their life is changed for the better because they have their much longed for baby and they are living their dream, the surrogate however comes back down to earth with a bump, or well ya know - without a bump as the case may be, and in my case a snap, crackle and pop! I have said it before on my other surrogacy blog and will say it again - a surrogate truly deserves their compensation for the post-partum period and then some. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved for a 2nd time, I have nothing but fuzzy feelings of love for the journey my IFs and I have shared and it's a fantastic experience but there is a downside and things like continuing pain, changing dynamics and feeling lost once you no longer have that purpose of growing a baby any more, are all that downside.
And of course the ever present and strange feelings that come with the change in the relationship with your IPs, the one that throws up such questions as: are they only keeping in touch because they feel they should? Do they really care? What are they really thinking? You can never be sure, you certainly don't want to ask because never do you want to come across as needy or even worse, paranoid but you do wonder sometimes. I particularly hate this part post-partum because I'm naturally curious but also a bit of a worrier and would hate to burden my IPs with any expectation of contact and communication, I want it to be natural and freely given or not at all. No-one should feel obliged, after all the main purpose of the match has been met and anything after is purely goodwill on everyones part.
Fin and his daddies are doing well, Fin is starting to stretch his night feeds a little longer and the guys are adjusting to life with little sleep - it's amazing how your body and mind adapt and what seemed like torture and impossible to deal with, becomes the norm after a while! Looking forward to seeing them this month for our first court hearing for the Parental Order process - it's come around very fast but it'll be lovely to get things started and hopefully wrapped up in a timely manner.
This past month, there was an email from the clinic asking my IFs what they wanted to do with their remaining 2 frozen embryos - did they want to use them now, did they want to store them again or do they want to donate/destroy them? That was a strange email to read since it's only been a few weeks since Fin's arrival. I know they have to ask but yeah, just weird! I think the guys are going to continue to keep them on ice and the price for 2 years worth of storage is only a few more euros so it makes sense to pay for that amount of time as they were going to do so for at least another year anyway.
I have my date to see the consultant for a chat about the delivery and aftermath and it's the 15th May so that will give me enough time to get my notes re-sent and gather my list of questions.
Lastly, I have my 6 week post-natal check up with my GP on the 15th of this month, I've never had one before so it'll be interesting to see what that involves but knowing the GP probably something in nothing. I'll report back either way!
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