Wow, first entry in almost 4 months but I'm here and although absolutely nothing truly noteworthy to update with, I still felt I should mark my visit by posting something!
I'm currently a busy student, in training for my dream career and I often am surprised I've not met myself coming back but I'm loving it, I was born to do this. My own little family are growing up way too fast, my oldest is going to secondary school next year - I simply can't believe it, he'll always be my baby regardless of course.
Fin is 9 months old and his daddies tell me he is crawling and trying to stand up these days, he's hitting all milestones, doing everything he should be doing and has a better social life than me. His daddies and I keep in touch, not perhaps as much as we once did but I think the current set up suits us all for the most part. We've decided there will be no sibling project with my involvement after all, various reasons but there's no drama about it as far as I'm aware.
Will this be the end of my surrogacy story? Who really knows is the honest answer. I've made lots of friends over the years, there are a lot of lovely and very deserving IPs who are still searching for that special lady and I, or rather my uterus, is free and potentially still pretty awesome at baking babies for others so perhaps. Maybe. I need to consider the flipside - the drama, the worries, the what ifs, the potential pitfalls to both my head, health and my heart but also I'm not sure I have the time or energy to commit to all that surrogacy entails once again, it can be a long year at the very least. My 2 journeys so far have been very draining, for a variety of reasons and even if 3rd time lucky - can I really go through it all again? I really don't know.
For now I keep my head down and I sleep, eat, study, parent, study, rinse and repeat but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Sunday 23 November 2014
Tuesday 29 July 2014
Daddies Are Official!
We all attended court today and the Parental Order was granted without any problem - it was the conclusion of what has been an absolutely amazing 14 months.
Our Cafcass worker attended, I think she really felt a connection with the guys and our case and wanted to be a part of the big moment - sweet and we didn't mind. She was a pain in the ass a little, bugging my IFs for extra information and making a mountain out of a molehill on a few points but she came through and it wasn't a big deal in the end. She was really complimentary about the guys and wanted it noted in the official report that 'in twenty years of social work, she has never encountered such loving, committed and caring parents'. Sweet and very true. The 3 judges were very nice too and had no reservations in granting the order, it was surprising how quickly it was over to be honest, we waited longer for the summary to be prepared after than the hearing which was mere minutes. Afterwards we all had a photo taken together - judges, court advisor, Cafcass, myself, the guys and the star of the 'show', baby Fin. They gave Finley a panda teddy which was a touching gesture, I'm sure it's nice for them to be a part of something so positive when you consider what they probably see on a daily basis, as judges in a family court. The court advisor told us that the office ladies had been waiting all morning to meet Finley and so they came out to see him and were as taken with him as expected and even our Cafcass officer had a hold and was in love with the little guy. He's such a charmer and that smile gets everyone!
Afterwards, the guys, Fin and I went out for some lunch to celebrate, it's been 4 months since we've been together in person but we do talk every day, still it's nice to chat and laugh together in person. It also gave me the opportunity to have lots and lots of baby cuddles. That boy is so gorgeous, he has big blue eyes, long eyelashes, a cute little nose and the biggest of smiles for everyone around him - such a happy boy.
It was lovely that I was able to be a part of proceedings today, such a contrast to my last journey which can be said for every part of this match really - I've been truly blessed with the relationship we all have with one another and what we achieved together. Today was a day I'll treasure, yet another fantastic memory made with the guys.
Now the focus shifts to what comes next....
Sunday 29 June 2014
Update
Just to say I have gone back to my birth story post and added what I can, which surprisingly seems to be a lot!
So, have a read if you have a spare 10 minutes. :o)
So, have a read if you have a spare 10 minutes. :o)
Tuesday 24 June 2014
Another Absence & Apology!
I honestly don't know where to start, I've just been so busy hence not updating my blog in quite some time.
Work is going great, I love it - it's hard work but so rewarding and the hours fit around the rest of my commitments. Especially looking forward to my night shifts again this week, something about the quiet of the night (well kinda, there's still lots to be done but it's a slower pace) and it means I can get my professional development folder updated because there never seems to be enough hours in the day time to get any of that done then!
I got accepted to start studying on the first rung of the ladder to eventually becoming a healthcare professional and I'm so excited! It is going to be a massive challenge not only academically but also logistically because I'll be attending classes 4 days a week but I'm ready, I've waited a long time for this opportunity.
My children are all good. However, my oldest had a minor operation that's turned into a bit of a lengthy nightmare due to complications both directly and indirectly related to it and is now on his 3rd week off school. Hopefully though he's on the mend and now on the right medication and we can get him back on form and without any more delays. It's kept me very busy though, having him here every day which only adds to the manic pace of my life lately. All of them are going to my mum's for the whole of the school holidays in 4 weeks, and hubster and I are going to use the opportunity to work as much as possible and get the house sorted out. This year is the first year I've felt comfortable with letting all 3 stay in Scotland for so long, without us. It's nothing to do with my mum but everything to do with mum guilt and worry...I don't think that has gone but I need to let them go and they are so excited already, it'd be more cruel to not to let the youngest go this time as he loves my mum!
Surrobaby Fin is doing perfectly - he's now 14lbs something if my memory serves me right and keeping his dads busy. They are so in love with him and tell me regularly how they cannot believe he's really here and all theirs. He's off on his first family holiday to Italy on Thursday for his Uncle's wedding - 4 months old and jet setting already.
We had the DNA testing done that the court ordered, ready for the Parental Order hearing and all was as expected - I'd not be able to write this update if the test had shown he was anything other than his daddy's (and the donor's) because my heart would of stopped. LOL. However Cafcass have been less than straight forward, simply because the lady in charge of visiting both of us, getting written consent and submitting her report to the court, is a bit of a pain in my opinion. It's her first surrogacy case, not unusual because my first surrobaby's officer had never done one before but this woman seems to focus too much on some parts and not enough on the rest - which are all equally as necessary and important. She visited my IF's twice, the 2nd time meeting one set of Fin's grandparents. All very nice and jolly but not necessary and she could of used that time to sort things out my end. As it stands, I had one call off her last week to tell me an officer here where I live is to visit me to get my paperwork completed and that's it. This is since April. Oh and did I mention her report is to be filed in 3 days time. It's not my problem to be honest, harsh but really I am a small part in this matter - all I need to do is make myself available should an officer wish to visit or talk to me and sign my rights away when the paperwork is presented to me. I'm not going to chase after them which sounds a bit sharp but I've done my bit, I'm here to sign on the dotted line and that's it now. However, if I were my IFs then I'd be spitting fire because the woman quite simply seems clueless and now it's causing issues with the process. I hope by some miracle she pulls it out the bag but she's certainly cutting it close. I wonder (hope!) if she can submit my paperwork after her report goes in or whether it all needs to be done and dusted and put in - I suppose we're going to find out soon enough. Frustrating for my IFs though because they've done everything they can to expedite the process to where we are currently and now it's all out of their hands and in the lap of this woman. Hopefully all ends well and we'll be in court, as planned, on the 29th July to get the little man and his parents legally recognised on paper.
And now on to the consultation review appointment! Let me preface this by saying it was a very helpful appointment, I got a lot from it and closure too. Also more food for thought that I had expected but overall it was a positive experience. The consultant agreed that I got very unlucky to have such a mix of things come together at once. To get pre-eclampsia, be induced, have a cervical tear, antibodies in my blood and then a massive hemorrhage was very unfortunate and rare. Thankfully because it's rare, it means it may not happen again. She thinks that because I developed pre-eclampsia very late, it probably wouldn't happen again until late should it happen again at all. I'll be so well monitored and extra closely too that it could be managed with early intervention should it reoccur. Apparently the reason I had a hemorrhage was probably due to retained membranes after delivery. Now, this can happen to anyone first pregnancy or fifteenth (infact with my first surrobaby, I had retained membranes that caused an infection) but because my uterus wouldn't have been well toned due to this being my 5th pregnancy and delivery and so quickly after my last delivery, it meant it wasn't able to cope with that happening as good as someone with only 1 or 2 pregnancies to date. Her thinking is that the constant contracting of my uterus to expel the foreign material, just as it's meant to do, stopped the blood vessels from clamping down and controlling bleeding as much as they should of done - leading to a huge amount of clots from the blood pooling out of control in my uterus. Also, the fact I had 2 babies so close together (within 14 months of each other) didn't help - my uterus didn't have a chance perhaps to fully rest and recover to it's non-pregnant state. Yes, I am still at risk of that happening again because another pregnancy would be my 6th delivery but equally, it doesn't mean it will happen and/or be as severe as last time. I had assumed she would suggest an elective c-section if there's a next time but actually she said absolutely not, that I labour well, deliver quickly and the risks of a section from 'what ifs' would outweigh the benefits.
The antibodies it appears were actually present in an antenatal blood sample from 2007, that was when I was pregnant with my 2nd child! I was never told, which was dangerous as if I'd needed blood that time during childbirth, I'd of potentially of become very sick and more worryingly, the babies I've had since could of become sick in utero because I wouldn't have known to of been monitored. The consultant thinks I've tested negative for that antibody every pregnancy since because my levels dropped below detection but it always remained and at that level, low enough not to cause problem or concerns. If that's the case, I suppose I got lucky that it took another 3 pregnancies for it to become a problem. She said that they would monitor my blood levels very closely in any future pregnancies and if it reached a certain threshold then they would refer me to Fetal Medicine at my specialist hospital for further monitoring. Worst case scenario would be baby would need a blood transfusion whilst in my womb and/or photo-therapy post-delivery (the latter just as Fin had) but it's manageable and very few women get to that stage, it's certainly not as worrying as the more common Rhesus (D) antibody that everyone frets about and is more risky during pregnancy.
And finally, she said the cervical tear is a non-issue in terms of future pregnancies and competency in carrying a baby full-term. All in all it was good news and yes, we did have the conversation about whether I could or should carry another baby in the future and my fear of her screaming at me a resounding 'NO!' didn't happen. She of course said I should be cautious and consider everything but that if that was what I wanted to do then they would pro-actively manage my pregnancy, monitor and treat if necessary and hopefully get myself and baby through safely.
This lead to a massive discussion between my IFs and I, they have been amazing at supporting me through this process, along with digesting the information we've received and then making their own decision and it does appear that we will tentatively begin trying for a sibling in the near future. I'm excited, I'm apprehensive of course but I feel positive about it. I'm not dumb, this has taken a lot of thought and discussion with everyone involved from professionals, my IPs and especially from my family but ultimately I feel that the risks can be managed, and without the element of bad luck and bad timing (getting pregnant so quickly again) being present next time, that I can have a healthy and uneventful final pregnancy and that's why I offered to have one last surrogate baby. There is categorically no way I will have any further babies after this - I've always, and you can quote me on this on this and my other blog, said I would love to have sibling babies and that will be the case, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I'm done DONE and will go into this final journey knowing that and being completely at peace with that, no more unfinished business!
The timing of this sibling journey has been worked around academic commitments, I hope to carry and deliver before the course gets super intense and then when I'm done making babies I will be able to concentrate wholly over the next few years on getting my degree and getting my own career off the ground at long last. I like the idea that I have concrete future plans in place already for once my surrogacy days are over - I can't explain it, it just feels right - there's a certain logic and flow to our plans this time and it feels it's naturally meant to be this way.
I never went back and updated my birth story, it's not going to happen now either. I still have almost zero memories and my notes didn't particularly fill in any gaps and I've made peace for the most part that it's going to have to stay a bit of a blur and full of mystery to me. Does it really matter anyway? A little but I can't change it. I did read I was in theatre for a couple of hours to control the bleeding and at one point, Fin's heart rate dipped down to 60bpm but apart from those dramatic bits of info gleaned from my notes, it was all pretty much as I thought. It was what it was and both Fin and I came through alive and kicking and that's all the truly matters.
What else have I forgotten? Oh yes, AF did appear but not until the beginning of April and she's been unpredictable and weird for me (almost 3 weeks of spotting/bleeding) but I think things are starting to settle down a bit. I haven't missed them though and so I will definitely make the most of another break in dealing with them if I get pregnant!
I also appear to have rheumatoid arthritis. You may recall I talked a lot about random pains and joint pains in my blog since I had Fin, well it didn't get any better so I had some blood tests at my GP and it turns out my rheumatoid factor is high (80% of people who have a high level, are diagnosed with RA) and so I've got an urgent referral to a Rheumatologist next month. I was upset when it was first found but it makes sense and I just want to get some treatment and get on a management medication plan. With both my grandmother and my mum having arthritis/bone thinning, I'm not surprised. My grandmother infact was diagnosed within a very short period of time after delivery of my mum and they do think pregnancy can set the wheels in motion with the disease so it seems I'm following the same pattern. You know what? There's worse I could be dealing with.
In the course of testing my blood for the cause of my pains, my GP suggested he test my Vitamin D levels as a lot of women who have aches and pains and have a baby recently and especially who have had babies in short periods of time have low levels. Well, I'm apparently severely deficient and have been started on a high loading dose of prescription Vit D for 7 weeks and then will move onto a lower dose maintainence prescription for a year, with regular blood tests in there as it can be toxic if your levels go too high and cause kidney problems. Apparently most of the UK are deficient to some degree as the best source is sunlight. It's hard to get even the minimum requirement of it from your diet and over the counter supplements don't cut it for most and so all that and add in lots of babies making you even more deficient and yeah, I'm not surprised! My aches are definitely better from taking the meds already but we'll see when my blood test comes back, what effect they've had on my levels - not expecting much change after this initial high loading dosing but any climb in numbers would be encouraging.
Both of these conditions may have some impact on a future pregnancies and so I'll need to be mindful of them and consult with the professionals but neither is a reason not to have another, just makes it that bit more challenging perhaps? Plenty of women with arthritis have babies and actually find a lull in their condition due to the hormones and almost all pregnant women are low on Vit D during pregnancy and it causes no problems so just to put it in there in context to say that neither should be a barr to me enjoying a happy and healthy future pregnancy.
Right, this entry is turning into an epic so I'll stop but hopefully I filled you in on the latest and should another couple of months whizz by without an entry, I'm at least not going to be even further behind with catching up.
Next up is the Parental Order hearing and I'm certain I'll be back to share the news that it's all done and dusted - and without any delay, fingers crossed!
Work is going great, I love it - it's hard work but so rewarding and the hours fit around the rest of my commitments. Especially looking forward to my night shifts again this week, something about the quiet of the night (well kinda, there's still lots to be done but it's a slower pace) and it means I can get my professional development folder updated because there never seems to be enough hours in the day time to get any of that done then!
I got accepted to start studying on the first rung of the ladder to eventually becoming a healthcare professional and I'm so excited! It is going to be a massive challenge not only academically but also logistically because I'll be attending classes 4 days a week but I'm ready, I've waited a long time for this opportunity.
My children are all good. However, my oldest had a minor operation that's turned into a bit of a lengthy nightmare due to complications both directly and indirectly related to it and is now on his 3rd week off school. Hopefully though he's on the mend and now on the right medication and we can get him back on form and without any more delays. It's kept me very busy though, having him here every day which only adds to the manic pace of my life lately. All of them are going to my mum's for the whole of the school holidays in 4 weeks, and hubster and I are going to use the opportunity to work as much as possible and get the house sorted out. This year is the first year I've felt comfortable with letting all 3 stay in Scotland for so long, without us. It's nothing to do with my mum but everything to do with mum guilt and worry...I don't think that has gone but I need to let them go and they are so excited already, it'd be more cruel to not to let the youngest go this time as he loves my mum!
Surrobaby Fin is doing perfectly - he's now 14lbs something if my memory serves me right and keeping his dads busy. They are so in love with him and tell me regularly how they cannot believe he's really here and all theirs. He's off on his first family holiday to Italy on Thursday for his Uncle's wedding - 4 months old and jet setting already.
We had the DNA testing done that the court ordered, ready for the Parental Order hearing and all was as expected - I'd not be able to write this update if the test had shown he was anything other than his daddy's (and the donor's) because my heart would of stopped. LOL. However Cafcass have been less than straight forward, simply because the lady in charge of visiting both of us, getting written consent and submitting her report to the court, is a bit of a pain in my opinion. It's her first surrogacy case, not unusual because my first surrobaby's officer had never done one before but this woman seems to focus too much on some parts and not enough on the rest - which are all equally as necessary and important. She visited my IF's twice, the 2nd time meeting one set of Fin's grandparents. All very nice and jolly but not necessary and she could of used that time to sort things out my end. As it stands, I had one call off her last week to tell me an officer here where I live is to visit me to get my paperwork completed and that's it. This is since April. Oh and did I mention her report is to be filed in 3 days time. It's not my problem to be honest, harsh but really I am a small part in this matter - all I need to do is make myself available should an officer wish to visit or talk to me and sign my rights away when the paperwork is presented to me. I'm not going to chase after them which sounds a bit sharp but I've done my bit, I'm here to sign on the dotted line and that's it now. However, if I were my IFs then I'd be spitting fire because the woman quite simply seems clueless and now it's causing issues with the process. I hope by some miracle she pulls it out the bag but she's certainly cutting it close. I wonder (hope!) if she can submit my paperwork after her report goes in or whether it all needs to be done and dusted and put in - I suppose we're going to find out soon enough. Frustrating for my IFs though because they've done everything they can to expedite the process to where we are currently and now it's all out of their hands and in the lap of this woman. Hopefully all ends well and we'll be in court, as planned, on the 29th July to get the little man and his parents legally recognised on paper.
And now on to the consultation review appointment! Let me preface this by saying it was a very helpful appointment, I got a lot from it and closure too. Also more food for thought that I had expected but overall it was a positive experience. The consultant agreed that I got very unlucky to have such a mix of things come together at once. To get pre-eclampsia, be induced, have a cervical tear, antibodies in my blood and then a massive hemorrhage was very unfortunate and rare. Thankfully because it's rare, it means it may not happen again. She thinks that because I developed pre-eclampsia very late, it probably wouldn't happen again until late should it happen again at all. I'll be so well monitored and extra closely too that it could be managed with early intervention should it reoccur. Apparently the reason I had a hemorrhage was probably due to retained membranes after delivery. Now, this can happen to anyone first pregnancy or fifteenth (infact with my first surrobaby, I had retained membranes that caused an infection) but because my uterus wouldn't have been well toned due to this being my 5th pregnancy and delivery and so quickly after my last delivery, it meant it wasn't able to cope with that happening as good as someone with only 1 or 2 pregnancies to date. Her thinking is that the constant contracting of my uterus to expel the foreign material, just as it's meant to do, stopped the blood vessels from clamping down and controlling bleeding as much as they should of done - leading to a huge amount of clots from the blood pooling out of control in my uterus. Also, the fact I had 2 babies so close together (within 14 months of each other) didn't help - my uterus didn't have a chance perhaps to fully rest and recover to it's non-pregnant state. Yes, I am still at risk of that happening again because another pregnancy would be my 6th delivery but equally, it doesn't mean it will happen and/or be as severe as last time. I had assumed she would suggest an elective c-section if there's a next time but actually she said absolutely not, that I labour well, deliver quickly and the risks of a section from 'what ifs' would outweigh the benefits.
The antibodies it appears were actually present in an antenatal blood sample from 2007, that was when I was pregnant with my 2nd child! I was never told, which was dangerous as if I'd needed blood that time during childbirth, I'd of potentially of become very sick and more worryingly, the babies I've had since could of become sick in utero because I wouldn't have known to of been monitored. The consultant thinks I've tested negative for that antibody every pregnancy since because my levels dropped below detection but it always remained and at that level, low enough not to cause problem or concerns. If that's the case, I suppose I got lucky that it took another 3 pregnancies for it to become a problem. She said that they would monitor my blood levels very closely in any future pregnancies and if it reached a certain threshold then they would refer me to Fetal Medicine at my specialist hospital for further monitoring. Worst case scenario would be baby would need a blood transfusion whilst in my womb and/or photo-therapy post-delivery (the latter just as Fin had) but it's manageable and very few women get to that stage, it's certainly not as worrying as the more common Rhesus (D) antibody that everyone frets about and is more risky during pregnancy.
And finally, she said the cervical tear is a non-issue in terms of future pregnancies and competency in carrying a baby full-term. All in all it was good news and yes, we did have the conversation about whether I could or should carry another baby in the future and my fear of her screaming at me a resounding 'NO!' didn't happen. She of course said I should be cautious and consider everything but that if that was what I wanted to do then they would pro-actively manage my pregnancy, monitor and treat if necessary and hopefully get myself and baby through safely.
This lead to a massive discussion between my IFs and I, they have been amazing at supporting me through this process, along with digesting the information we've received and then making their own decision and it does appear that we will tentatively begin trying for a sibling in the near future. I'm excited, I'm apprehensive of course but I feel positive about it. I'm not dumb, this has taken a lot of thought and discussion with everyone involved from professionals, my IPs and especially from my family but ultimately I feel that the risks can be managed, and without the element of bad luck and bad timing (getting pregnant so quickly again) being present next time, that I can have a healthy and uneventful final pregnancy and that's why I offered to have one last surrogate baby. There is categorically no way I will have any further babies after this - I've always, and you can quote me on this on this and my other blog, said I would love to have sibling babies and that will be the case, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I'm done DONE and will go into this final journey knowing that and being completely at peace with that, no more unfinished business!
The timing of this sibling journey has been worked around academic commitments, I hope to carry and deliver before the course gets super intense and then when I'm done making babies I will be able to concentrate wholly over the next few years on getting my degree and getting my own career off the ground at long last. I like the idea that I have concrete future plans in place already for once my surrogacy days are over - I can't explain it, it just feels right - there's a certain logic and flow to our plans this time and it feels it's naturally meant to be this way.
I never went back and updated my birth story, it's not going to happen now either. I still have almost zero memories and my notes didn't particularly fill in any gaps and I've made peace for the most part that it's going to have to stay a bit of a blur and full of mystery to me. Does it really matter anyway? A little but I can't change it. I did read I was in theatre for a couple of hours to control the bleeding and at one point, Fin's heart rate dipped down to 60bpm but apart from those dramatic bits of info gleaned from my notes, it was all pretty much as I thought. It was what it was and both Fin and I came through alive and kicking and that's all the truly matters.
What else have I forgotten? Oh yes, AF did appear but not until the beginning of April and she's been unpredictable and weird for me (almost 3 weeks of spotting/bleeding) but I think things are starting to settle down a bit. I haven't missed them though and so I will definitely make the most of another break in dealing with them if I get pregnant!
I also appear to have rheumatoid arthritis. You may recall I talked a lot about random pains and joint pains in my blog since I had Fin, well it didn't get any better so I had some blood tests at my GP and it turns out my rheumatoid factor is high (80% of people who have a high level, are diagnosed with RA) and so I've got an urgent referral to a Rheumatologist next month. I was upset when it was first found but it makes sense and I just want to get some treatment and get on a management medication plan. With both my grandmother and my mum having arthritis/bone thinning, I'm not surprised. My grandmother infact was diagnosed within a very short period of time after delivery of my mum and they do think pregnancy can set the wheels in motion with the disease so it seems I'm following the same pattern. You know what? There's worse I could be dealing with.
In the course of testing my blood for the cause of my pains, my GP suggested he test my Vitamin D levels as a lot of women who have aches and pains and have a baby recently and especially who have had babies in short periods of time have low levels. Well, I'm apparently severely deficient and have been started on a high loading dose of prescription Vit D for 7 weeks and then will move onto a lower dose maintainence prescription for a year, with regular blood tests in there as it can be toxic if your levels go too high and cause kidney problems. Apparently most of the UK are deficient to some degree as the best source is sunlight. It's hard to get even the minimum requirement of it from your diet and over the counter supplements don't cut it for most and so all that and add in lots of babies making you even more deficient and yeah, I'm not surprised! My aches are definitely better from taking the meds already but we'll see when my blood test comes back, what effect they've had on my levels - not expecting much change after this initial high loading dosing but any climb in numbers would be encouraging.
Both of these conditions may have some impact on a future pregnancies and so I'll need to be mindful of them and consult with the professionals but neither is a reason not to have another, just makes it that bit more challenging perhaps? Plenty of women with arthritis have babies and actually find a lull in their condition due to the hormones and almost all pregnant women are low on Vit D during pregnancy and it causes no problems so just to put it in there in context to say that neither should be a barr to me enjoying a happy and healthy future pregnancy.
Right, this entry is turning into an epic so I'll stop but hopefully I filled you in on the latest and should another couple of months whizz by without an entry, I'm at least not going to be even further behind with catching up.
Next up is the Parental Order hearing and I'm certain I'll be back to share the news that it's all done and dusted - and without any delay, fingers crossed!
Monday 28 April 2014
Busy
Not much to report on the surrogacy front, still waiting for my re-requested notes and waiting on the consultant appointment.
I had a lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland, visiting my mum and didn't want to come home which is always what happens. It was just chilled and the kids had a blast. AF arrived to wave me off on the first day - I was glad she showed up but the timing could of been a bit better. It was fine as far as first post-partum periods go. It was also nice to come back from my holiday without any injections, my 6 week twice daily Clexane jabs finished whilst I was away and I also indulged in my first (and second, third and fourth!) alcoholic drink for the first time in 13 years whilst away too - see, a very good break away indeed!
My back behaved for the most part during my holiday but various other aches and pains that just will not go away continued. I have a painful and clicking elbow, a painful knee and both shoulders hurt every single morning. It seems to ease as the day goes on but little tweaks of pain remind me throughout the day. Must see the dr about that, and the bp review, but I pushed the latter back as I was away a week longer than first planned. Not had my 6 week check either and considering Fin is 10 weeks at the end of this week, I don't see any point so will skip that particular check-up.
I didn't end up attending the first court hearing, we didn't get back from Scotland until early hours on the Sunday and the Monday was a Bank Holiday Monday so I couldn't do anything to catch up on things I'd let slip so needed to stay at home Tuesday in the end to get caught up - not least getting my poor daughter's dental appointment sorted for her smashed mouth. The guys understood and I was sad but it simply wasn't do'able in the end. We'll catch up though very soon I'm sure.
Apparently by all accounts court went fine, we learnt Czech law has no bearing on the UK legal process regarding surrogacy so that was great news! However the magistrates, all 4 of them, have ordered a DNA test for me, my IF and my husband - it was one of the first things they said. I was surprised when hearing this from my IF because I had never heard of any surro or IP being required to provide this in all my years on the surrogacy circuit but I know it's a certainly something any surrogate or IP can be required to do. The court where the hearing was held has never done a surrogacy PO before so it seems perhaps they are just following the procedure to the letter, which is not a bad thing but just extra expense for my IFs.
Don't understand why my husband needs to provide proof he's not the father, so long as one of my IFs can prove they are. I think perhaps there was a misunderstanding by the judges or something because it's not logical but you don't argue with the court! Unfortunately they also stipulated that the testing needs to be done and in by mid May, which is not good timing for me because this week and next week I'm flat-out busy, with very little spare time. This testing has to be done by a court verified company and involves me attending a doctor's surgery along with photos to get verified also. All very official.
Feeling pretty stirred up about where I go next, do I do another journey or do I call it a day? I'm under no pressure at all either way, no screaming rush but it's what my head is processing more and more lately. It's hard because I don't want to put any expectation on my former IFs but at the same time, I do want at least a tentative answer as to what they would like in terms of a sibling and if so, what sort of time frame they are looking at. If they decide they don't want a sibling/use me again/not in a time frame that works for me then I'll maybe look at other potential IPs. Not saying I will match again, or I won't but it's an option maybe.
I've got 2 interviews for nursing courses, one in Scotland and one here in Bristol. Dependent on which one I get (or if I'm lucky enough to get an offer on both) then I'll have to factor that in when looking at where surrogacy features in all that. Always the planner, I have already worked out a plan for how it *could* pan out and work around studying. What I have come to realise though is that this time of my life is mine and whereas in the past perhaps I've put off my own ambitions in favour of helping others and making their dreams come true, not any longer - if it doesn't fit for me and my family, it's not happening, and I think I'm OK with finally being a little bit selfish now.
Oh and I've just started working, first time in almost 12 years I've held a job outside of the home so that's a huge adjustment but I'm very excited to be getting out into the adult world. LOL.
I'm continuing to lose weight, I'm just about to start some serious training for my 5K in July now that I'm safely past the 6 week waiting period and my back has settled down. Here was a pic from a couple of weeks ago, I may still look like a blimp to some but I've definitely lost weight and am feeling good about myself.
So life is moving at the manic pace it always did and I'm loving it for the most part. I won't lie and say that I don't question why I did surrogacy some days, when everything hurts and I'm emotional but I would never change a thing and if I'm looking at doing another journey then it can't be that bad, right?! Or maybe I'm just bonkers as one lovely lady recently suggested!
I had a lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland, visiting my mum and didn't want to come home which is always what happens. It was just chilled and the kids had a blast. AF arrived to wave me off on the first day - I was glad she showed up but the timing could of been a bit better. It was fine as far as first post-partum periods go. It was also nice to come back from my holiday without any injections, my 6 week twice daily Clexane jabs finished whilst I was away and I also indulged in my first (and second, third and fourth!) alcoholic drink for the first time in 13 years whilst away too - see, a very good break away indeed!
My back behaved for the most part during my holiday but various other aches and pains that just will not go away continued. I have a painful and clicking elbow, a painful knee and both shoulders hurt every single morning. It seems to ease as the day goes on but little tweaks of pain remind me throughout the day. Must see the dr about that, and the bp review, but I pushed the latter back as I was away a week longer than first planned. Not had my 6 week check either and considering Fin is 10 weeks at the end of this week, I don't see any point so will skip that particular check-up.
I didn't end up attending the first court hearing, we didn't get back from Scotland until early hours on the Sunday and the Monday was a Bank Holiday Monday so I couldn't do anything to catch up on things I'd let slip so needed to stay at home Tuesday in the end to get caught up - not least getting my poor daughter's dental appointment sorted for her smashed mouth. The guys understood and I was sad but it simply wasn't do'able in the end. We'll catch up though very soon I'm sure.
Apparently by all accounts court went fine, we learnt Czech law has no bearing on the UK legal process regarding surrogacy so that was great news! However the magistrates, all 4 of them, have ordered a DNA test for me, my IF and my husband - it was one of the first things they said. I was surprised when hearing this from my IF because I had never heard of any surro or IP being required to provide this in all my years on the surrogacy circuit but I know it's a certainly something any surrogate or IP can be required to do. The court where the hearing was held has never done a surrogacy PO before so it seems perhaps they are just following the procedure to the letter, which is not a bad thing but just extra expense for my IFs.
Don't understand why my husband needs to provide proof he's not the father, so long as one of my IFs can prove they are. I think perhaps there was a misunderstanding by the judges or something because it's not logical but you don't argue with the court! Unfortunately they also stipulated that the testing needs to be done and in by mid May, which is not good timing for me because this week and next week I'm flat-out busy, with very little spare time. This testing has to be done by a court verified company and involves me attending a doctor's surgery along with photos to get verified also. All very official.
Feeling pretty stirred up about where I go next, do I do another journey or do I call it a day? I'm under no pressure at all either way, no screaming rush but it's what my head is processing more and more lately. It's hard because I don't want to put any expectation on my former IFs but at the same time, I do want at least a tentative answer as to what they would like in terms of a sibling and if so, what sort of time frame they are looking at. If they decide they don't want a sibling/use me again/not in a time frame that works for me then I'll maybe look at other potential IPs. Not saying I will match again, or I won't but it's an option maybe.
I've got 2 interviews for nursing courses, one in Scotland and one here in Bristol. Dependent on which one I get (or if I'm lucky enough to get an offer on both) then I'll have to factor that in when looking at where surrogacy features in all that. Always the planner, I have already worked out a plan for how it *could* pan out and work around studying. What I have come to realise though is that this time of my life is mine and whereas in the past perhaps I've put off my own ambitions in favour of helping others and making their dreams come true, not any longer - if it doesn't fit for me and my family, it's not happening, and I think I'm OK with finally being a little bit selfish now.
Oh and I've just started working, first time in almost 12 years I've held a job outside of the home so that's a huge adjustment but I'm very excited to be getting out into the adult world. LOL.
I'm continuing to lose weight, I'm just about to start some serious training for my 5K in July now that I'm safely past the 6 week waiting period and my back has settled down. Here was a pic from a couple of weeks ago, I may still look like a blimp to some but I've definitely lost weight and am feeling good about myself.
So life is moving at the manic pace it always did and I'm loving it for the most part. I won't lie and say that I don't question why I did surrogacy some days, when everything hurts and I'm emotional but I would never change a thing and if I'm looking at doing another journey then it can't be that bad, right?! Or maybe I'm just bonkers as one lovely lady recently suggested!
Thursday 3 April 2014
Different Thoughts
My notes arrived today but they were so poorly photo-copied that some of it I can't even read and some parts are missing for some reason so they're not that helpful and I'm going to have to re-request them before my consultant meeting. It also means that I can't finish up my birth story either, I think it's a lost cause to be honest to try and get it written up in any more detail than the clinical version of events. I can't remember most of it as I've already said and the weeks are turning into months and the bits I can recall are getting hazy and I'm questioning them. I have asked my IFs to write their version but understandably, they've got their hands a bit full currently!
From the small bit I did read/decipher, I see that things didn't start to go downhill post-delivery until a good couple of hours after Fin was delivered which is not how it seemed to me. What was I doing in that time? I don't recall doing anything, I thought it was within half an hour it all kicked off! See, I've no hope of recalling much of anything by the way of a birth story I don't think.
I've also been dealing with what appears to be a pinched sciatic nerve this past week and a bit. Oh god, agony doesn't do it justice, I went to bed one night and was fine apart from the general back pain I've had a while now and mentioned in my previous post and the next morning and I couldn't get out of bed. Literally. I ended up on crutches, on seriously strong painkillers and pain patches and nothing touched it, I was absolutely miserable to say the least but just as I was thinking this was going to ruin our planned holiday to Scotland the end of this week, I basically jumped out of bed yesterday and was 85% better!? Weird eh, I can only assume whatever I clicked or trapped, fixed itself during the night. Whatever happened, I was so grateful. However this evening, the general back pain has flared again but I think it's because I've spent much of the day sat down on my behind and that will make back pain/sciatica pain worse so at least that may explain it. I just hope it doesn't all start again!
I saw my GP today regarding my BP meds once again and my BP is lower than 4 weeks ago but not quite back to normal so I'm cutting down to 1 tablet a day and have to go back in 4 weeks and if it's similar or lower, I can stop them completely so fingers crossed!
I spoke with her about my constantly clicking joints too and she said that it can take up to 6 months for the hormones to go back to normal and in that time, to take it very easy so as not to cause any problems - such as what happened with my back. I stretch or even turn over in bed and my shoulders click, I walk and my knees click, my left elbow constantly clicks out of joint whenever I move it and the joint is now sore to the touch and if I bend over, my hips click. Ouch. I'm also suffering a painful neck and oddly enough my collarbone too, she said again that it's muscular and joints and my body telling me to slow down so I will take that on board and do very little when we're away next week, for sure because I'm pretty fed up of hurting all the time and feeling like an old lady lately.
I'm also down to the last few days of Clexane injections - so very pleased about that because the past week or so and every jab has hurt and my tummy is plastered in bruises and stab marks and lumps, which hurt when I wear clothes, hurt when I wash up, hurt when I cuddle my children and just plain HURT.
Still no sign of AF, which is a surprise because I have felt she was going to arrive at any moment for a few weeks but apparently not. I know she'll show in her own good time, and at the most inconvenient one at that of course but yeah, let's get it over and done with so I know things are working as they should please!
Talking about all these aches and pains, it really does bring it home to you what a surrogate deals with on a continuing basis. I mean we all know that getting pregnant can be a drag, the side effects of medicines can be uncomfortable and of course being pregnant isn't always a ball of fun either but when IPs go home and their life is changed for the better because they have their much longed for baby and they are living their dream, the surrogate however comes back down to earth with a bump, or well ya know - without a bump as the case may be, and in my case a snap, crackle and pop! I have said it before on my other surrogacy blog and will say it again - a surrogate truly deserves their compensation for the post-partum period and then some. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved for a 2nd time, I have nothing but fuzzy feelings of love for the journey my IFs and I have shared and it's a fantastic experience but there is a downside and things like continuing pain, changing dynamics and feeling lost once you no longer have that purpose of growing a baby any more, are all that downside.
And of course the ever present and strange feelings that come with the change in the relationship with your IPs, the one that throws up such questions as: are they only keeping in touch because they feel they should? Do they really care? What are they really thinking? You can never be sure, you certainly don't want to ask because never do you want to come across as needy or even worse, paranoid but you do wonder sometimes. I particularly hate this part post-partum because I'm naturally curious but also a bit of a worrier and would hate to burden my IPs with any expectation of contact and communication, I want it to be natural and freely given or not at all. No-one should feel obliged, after all the main purpose of the match has been met and anything after is purely goodwill on everyones part.
Fin and his daddies are doing well, Fin is starting to stretch his night feeds a little longer and the guys are adjusting to life with little sleep - it's amazing how your body and mind adapt and what seemed like torture and impossible to deal with, becomes the norm after a while! Looking forward to seeing them this month for our first court hearing for the Parental Order process - it's come around very fast but it'll be lovely to get things started and hopefully wrapped up in a timely manner.
This past month, there was an email from the clinic asking my IFs what they wanted to do with their remaining 2 frozen embryos - did they want to use them now, did they want to store them again or do they want to donate/destroy them? That was a strange email to read since it's only been a few weeks since Fin's arrival. I know they have to ask but yeah, just weird! I think the guys are going to continue to keep them on ice and the price for 2 years worth of storage is only a few more euros so it makes sense to pay for that amount of time as they were going to do so for at least another year anyway.
I have my date to see the consultant for a chat about the delivery and aftermath and it's the 15th May so that will give me enough time to get my notes re-sent and gather my list of questions.
Lastly, I have my 6 week post-natal check up with my GP on the 15th of this month, I've never had one before so it'll be interesting to see what that involves but knowing the GP probably something in nothing. I'll report back either way!
From the small bit I did read/decipher, I see that things didn't start to go downhill post-delivery until a good couple of hours after Fin was delivered which is not how it seemed to me. What was I doing in that time? I don't recall doing anything, I thought it was within half an hour it all kicked off! See, I've no hope of recalling much of anything by the way of a birth story I don't think.
I've also been dealing with what appears to be a pinched sciatic nerve this past week and a bit. Oh god, agony doesn't do it justice, I went to bed one night and was fine apart from the general back pain I've had a while now and mentioned in my previous post and the next morning and I couldn't get out of bed. Literally. I ended up on crutches, on seriously strong painkillers and pain patches and nothing touched it, I was absolutely miserable to say the least but just as I was thinking this was going to ruin our planned holiday to Scotland the end of this week, I basically jumped out of bed yesterday and was 85% better!? Weird eh, I can only assume whatever I clicked or trapped, fixed itself during the night. Whatever happened, I was so grateful. However this evening, the general back pain has flared again but I think it's because I've spent much of the day sat down on my behind and that will make back pain/sciatica pain worse so at least that may explain it. I just hope it doesn't all start again!
I saw my GP today regarding my BP meds once again and my BP is lower than 4 weeks ago but not quite back to normal so I'm cutting down to 1 tablet a day and have to go back in 4 weeks and if it's similar or lower, I can stop them completely so fingers crossed!
I spoke with her about my constantly clicking joints too and she said that it can take up to 6 months for the hormones to go back to normal and in that time, to take it very easy so as not to cause any problems - such as what happened with my back. I stretch or even turn over in bed and my shoulders click, I walk and my knees click, my left elbow constantly clicks out of joint whenever I move it and the joint is now sore to the touch and if I bend over, my hips click. Ouch. I'm also suffering a painful neck and oddly enough my collarbone too, she said again that it's muscular and joints and my body telling me to slow down so I will take that on board and do very little when we're away next week, for sure because I'm pretty fed up of hurting all the time and feeling like an old lady lately.
I'm also down to the last few days of Clexane injections - so very pleased about that because the past week or so and every jab has hurt and my tummy is plastered in bruises and stab marks and lumps, which hurt when I wear clothes, hurt when I wash up, hurt when I cuddle my children and just plain HURT.
Still no sign of AF, which is a surprise because I have felt she was going to arrive at any moment for a few weeks but apparently not. I know she'll show in her own good time, and at the most inconvenient one at that of course but yeah, let's get it over and done with so I know things are working as they should please!
Talking about all these aches and pains, it really does bring it home to you what a surrogate deals with on a continuing basis. I mean we all know that getting pregnant can be a drag, the side effects of medicines can be uncomfortable and of course being pregnant isn't always a ball of fun either but when IPs go home and their life is changed for the better because they have their much longed for baby and they are living their dream, the surrogate however comes back down to earth with a bump, or well ya know - without a bump as the case may be, and in my case a snap, crackle and pop! I have said it before on my other surrogacy blog and will say it again - a surrogate truly deserves their compensation for the post-partum period and then some. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved for a 2nd time, I have nothing but fuzzy feelings of love for the journey my IFs and I have shared and it's a fantastic experience but there is a downside and things like continuing pain, changing dynamics and feeling lost once you no longer have that purpose of growing a baby any more, are all that downside.
And of course the ever present and strange feelings that come with the change in the relationship with your IPs, the one that throws up such questions as: are they only keeping in touch because they feel they should? Do they really care? What are they really thinking? You can never be sure, you certainly don't want to ask because never do you want to come across as needy or even worse, paranoid but you do wonder sometimes. I particularly hate this part post-partum because I'm naturally curious but also a bit of a worrier and would hate to burden my IPs with any expectation of contact and communication, I want it to be natural and freely given or not at all. No-one should feel obliged, after all the main purpose of the match has been met and anything after is purely goodwill on everyones part.
Fin and his daddies are doing well, Fin is starting to stretch his night feeds a little longer and the guys are adjusting to life with little sleep - it's amazing how your body and mind adapt and what seemed like torture and impossible to deal with, becomes the norm after a while! Looking forward to seeing them this month for our first court hearing for the Parental Order process - it's come around very fast but it'll be lovely to get things started and hopefully wrapped up in a timely manner.
This past month, there was an email from the clinic asking my IFs what they wanted to do with their remaining 2 frozen embryos - did they want to use them now, did they want to store them again or do they want to donate/destroy them? That was a strange email to read since it's only been a few weeks since Fin's arrival. I know they have to ask but yeah, just weird! I think the guys are going to continue to keep them on ice and the price for 2 years worth of storage is only a few more euros so it makes sense to pay for that amount of time as they were going to do so for at least another year anyway.
I have my date to see the consultant for a chat about the delivery and aftermath and it's the 15th May so that will give me enough time to get my notes re-sent and gather my list of questions.
Lastly, I have my 6 week post-natal check up with my GP on the 15th of this month, I've never had one before so it'll be interesting to see what that involves but knowing the GP probably something in nothing. I'll report back either way!
Wednesday 26 March 2014
Ticking Over
Feel like I should post something here but what, since there's not much new to talk about?!
I am still waiting on my labour notes but apparently the Head of Midwifery has them and has requested a date for me to meet with the consultant. I'm happy about this because the list of questions I have is growing longer and longer and I'm impatient to get the answers. I've done so much reading these past few weeks and I do truly believe I just got very unlucky with all that happened and it could of happened to anyone - first pregnancy or sixth or anywhere in between. There's so many things that happened that upped my risk factor and most of those were out of my control but a sequence of events and remove them and there's no reason I couldn't of had a smooth delivery, just like my previous 4 for the most part.
Physically, I'm hurting. That sums it up. I am suffering bad back pain strangely, I never had it prior to this delivery and now it hurts all the time, I joke that the person who gave me their blood also gave me their backache because there's no other reason for it although I doubt having my legs heaved onto my chest for the best part of 2 hours helped matters of course. I think I'm ovulating currently, judging by my bodily signs. It's comforting and slightly depressing to think my body has adapted from pregnancy to back to normal so soon and of course if this is ovulation then that means AF can't be too far away and that is depressing - I've not missed her! But on the flip side, it's nice to know that despite all the trauma, my body is getting back to normal and fertility returning.
My blood results came back from my GP and my full blood count is almost back to normal and my iron stores are on the lower end of normal and this is without any iron supplements for the past 10 days so I guess I'm safe to continue not to take them and see how things go. I've been monitoring my BP and it seems pretty stable for the most part - a few times it's been spiked high but nothing regular so perhaps a combination of these meds and giving it some time for my body to calm itself post-delivery has done its job and when I have my post-partum check up in a week and a bit, hopefully I can get signed off taking the tablets and get the thumbs up to begin exercising because I've continued with the post-partum weight loss and now want to get active to give it a nudge onwards. I'm so close to weighing less than I have in 10 years so that's a huge motivation to move my behind!
Talking of getting active, I have entered for a 5k race. I am so pumped to do it, it's not only for a very good cause but my son is racing it with me - for moral support for me but also it's encouraging him to eat more healthily and get fitter so it's a win-win situation. I have a while to go so plenty of time to take things slowly and build up to the big day but I'm still apprehensive.
Last week I met up with my IFs and baby Finley, I was so excited that I could of burst, actually I was afraid I may burst...out crying....but held it together and it was fantastic. I was given a lovely gift of a photo book which contained pics of Fin and us all, it was very special to look at, definitely one for the memory box. Such a thoughtful gift. They are such good daddies and Finley is absolutely gorgeous and thriving and it made me feel very proud watching the 3 of them together. We had a great time catching up in person and I'm going to see them again next month for the preliminary court hearing for the Parental Order application. It's all moving swiftly and without complication which compared to my last experience, with my former IFs, is nice! I still speak to my IFs on a daily basis and they send me photos, it's great that we are still close and I love to see how Fin's changing so fast. I can't believe he's almost 5 weeks old already, it seems forever ago that he was in my tummy and we were eagerly awaiting his arrival! So much has happened generally, my life went back to being full-on within days and my daughter had a pretty serious accident and bashed her face this past Saturday and that's taken my focus, at least for this past week. It always seems something serious happens within a month post-partum, that completely throws me off course - last time it was my mum breaking her hip but as I always say, never a dull day in my life! Between that, a uni open day, a job interview and lots more on top, yep, no time to think too much!
On a final note - I am jaded by things in the surrogacy world of late, just lots of drama and fake people out there, not to mention the rise in scammers that have popped up lately. It's infuriating that people like me, with a genuine heart and love for it, are tainted when people with less scruples and no good intentions come along - surrogacy is hard enough to get out there and in a positive light and people and stories like those do none of us decent surrogates and IPs any favours. However, I still blow the surrogacy trumpet loud and proud regardless because when it's done right, it's life changing for all involved and nothing short of a miracle.
Overall, I'm feeling good mentally and just waiting on the physical side to catch up with that. No regrets, much love for my IFs and their beautiful son and feeling like I'm pretty awesome, even if I say so myself!
I am still waiting on my labour notes but apparently the Head of Midwifery has them and has requested a date for me to meet with the consultant. I'm happy about this because the list of questions I have is growing longer and longer and I'm impatient to get the answers. I've done so much reading these past few weeks and I do truly believe I just got very unlucky with all that happened and it could of happened to anyone - first pregnancy or sixth or anywhere in between. There's so many things that happened that upped my risk factor and most of those were out of my control but a sequence of events and remove them and there's no reason I couldn't of had a smooth delivery, just like my previous 4 for the most part.
Physically, I'm hurting. That sums it up. I am suffering bad back pain strangely, I never had it prior to this delivery and now it hurts all the time, I joke that the person who gave me their blood also gave me their backache because there's no other reason for it although I doubt having my legs heaved onto my chest for the best part of 2 hours helped matters of course. I think I'm ovulating currently, judging by my bodily signs. It's comforting and slightly depressing to think my body has adapted from pregnancy to back to normal so soon and of course if this is ovulation then that means AF can't be too far away and that is depressing - I've not missed her! But on the flip side, it's nice to know that despite all the trauma, my body is getting back to normal and fertility returning.
My blood results came back from my GP and my full blood count is almost back to normal and my iron stores are on the lower end of normal and this is without any iron supplements for the past 10 days so I guess I'm safe to continue not to take them and see how things go. I've been monitoring my BP and it seems pretty stable for the most part - a few times it's been spiked high but nothing regular so perhaps a combination of these meds and giving it some time for my body to calm itself post-delivery has done its job and when I have my post-partum check up in a week and a bit, hopefully I can get signed off taking the tablets and get the thumbs up to begin exercising because I've continued with the post-partum weight loss and now want to get active to give it a nudge onwards. I'm so close to weighing less than I have in 10 years so that's a huge motivation to move my behind!
Talking of getting active, I have entered for a 5k race. I am so pumped to do it, it's not only for a very good cause but my son is racing it with me - for moral support for me but also it's encouraging him to eat more healthily and get fitter so it's a win-win situation. I have a while to go so plenty of time to take things slowly and build up to the big day but I'm still apprehensive.
Last week I met up with my IFs and baby Finley, I was so excited that I could of burst, actually I was afraid I may burst...out crying....but held it together and it was fantastic. I was given a lovely gift of a photo book which contained pics of Fin and us all, it was very special to look at, definitely one for the memory box. Such a thoughtful gift. They are such good daddies and Finley is absolutely gorgeous and thriving and it made me feel very proud watching the 3 of them together. We had a great time catching up in person and I'm going to see them again next month for the preliminary court hearing for the Parental Order application. It's all moving swiftly and without complication which compared to my last experience, with my former IFs, is nice! I still speak to my IFs on a daily basis and they send me photos, it's great that we are still close and I love to see how Fin's changing so fast. I can't believe he's almost 5 weeks old already, it seems forever ago that he was in my tummy and we were eagerly awaiting his arrival! So much has happened generally, my life went back to being full-on within days and my daughter had a pretty serious accident and bashed her face this past Saturday and that's taken my focus, at least for this past week. It always seems something serious happens within a month post-partum, that completely throws me off course - last time it was my mum breaking her hip but as I always say, never a dull day in my life! Between that, a uni open day, a job interview and lots more on top, yep, no time to think too much!
On a final note - I am jaded by things in the surrogacy world of late, just lots of drama and fake people out there, not to mention the rise in scammers that have popped up lately. It's infuriating that people like me, with a genuine heart and love for it, are tainted when people with less scruples and no good intentions come along - surrogacy is hard enough to get out there and in a positive light and people and stories like those do none of us decent surrogates and IPs any favours. However, I still blow the surrogacy trumpet loud and proud regardless because when it's done right, it's life changing for all involved and nothing short of a miracle.
Overall, I'm feeling good mentally and just waiting on the physical side to catch up with that. No regrets, much love for my IFs and their beautiful son and feeling like I'm pretty awesome, even if I say so myself!
Thursday 13 March 2014
'Will you have any more?'
That is the most asked question, along with the aged-old favourite of
'how are you feeling?' I don't mind the latter, it's nice that people
care - or perhaps they are hoping I'm crumbling inside and can say 'ha,
told you so!'? No, not really but I'm sure there are some who that may apply to.
Anyway, with regards to the title - why is it that people ask you that whilst you've not even quit contracting?! I mean, what a dumb question to ask already but every pregnancy I've heard it. Well, yes, I'd love to have another surrogate baby and I think I'm pretty good at it too but of course I'm not dumb enough to simply jump feet first into anything after all that's happened, it's not just about me but about my family too.
I promised my IFs that I'd do a sibling project for them, right from the start and that promise stands true. Whether it actually happens, for whatever reason on either side, well, it's too early to say of course. It's a tricky situation because the embryos we have stored have to be used by me pretty much, although there are possibly ways around it and so there's that to factor in also. I have no qualms about doing it for the guys again, I adore them and we absolutely rocked as a team - there really is zero reason why I wouldn't get knocked up for them again! LOL.
I do love the look on people's faces when I say that though, they look at me with a look of 'you're nuts' crossed with 'you're amazing'.
As for the second question, I'm doing alright. I had a horrible few days last week, where I just cried. A lot. I was even beginning to think perhaps I had some PND going on because I feel bleak. I haven't at any point been sad because I don't have a baby, that's not it, I think it was the changing dynamics between my IFs and I, which I struggled with at first with my last match but this time around the guys are fantastic at keeping in touch and it is helping. No, I think the majority of my feelings are about the post-birth stuff. I just can't make peace with the fact that I've lost precious memories, I have hardly any recollection of the entire Saturday he was born and only patchy of the Sunday and that makes me sad. Really really sad. Worse thing is there's nothing anyone can do, you can't magic those memories back and there's no playback feature either - they're gone forever. I so wanted this journey to be perfect in its entirety and the most important parts were of course, we had the most amazing match, a fantastic pregnancy, a fabulous friendship and baby is beautiful and safe. Oh and I'm alive. But, the end just didn't follow that pattern sadly and it was all out of our control. That's what I'm concentrating on when I feel down, that no-one is to blame and it's just 'one of those things', I need to let it go or else it'll continue to eat away at me but it's so very hard some days.
Also, I feel like shit physically still. I say still but I'm only just almost 3 weeks post-partum so I really shouldn't expect to be anywhere near back to normal, even if I'd not been through all I had but it's hard because I'm not the type who deals with pain or being slowed down - I like living my life at 100mph strangely enough but my body just won't co-operate.
My bleeding has almost stopped for the most part, which is pretty great - no complaints there, I did have a few days of weird bleeding, clots, tenderness and pain where I was worried I had a repeat of my first surrogacy going on and had some retained products but that's passed now things have settled down thankfully. No infection, I had a negative swab that cleared that worry up!
Boobs are fine, almost back to normal and certainly no engorgement which I was dreading given how big and painful they got and for how long with my last surro baby! I still leak intermittently but it's no big deal and getting better every few days.
Clexane jabs are a pain in the, well, tummy. Ugh. Hate them but hubster is doing a sterling job of stabbing me twice daily, bless him. Right side is always more stingy and painful than the left and the lower the better seems to be the best but I still have bruises, lumps, jab marks and sore spots which are not welcome. Still, if it keeps me healthy then we'll push onwards. 2 weeks down, another 4 to go.
No pain with the tear or stitches in the cervix so that's a huge positive!
However my BP is still a bit of an issue, it's not scary high but it is high and at this point and on BP meds, it really should be back to pre-pregnancy levels but it's not which is disappointing because I hate taking any meds and it would be easier to swallow (no pun intended!) if they were doing exactly as they should. I was discharged by my community midwife a week ago and into GP care and I saw him this week, it's still high and I am to take my meds to control it for another 4 weeks at least. Ugh. I want to make a plan with regards to moving forwards and getting this issue under control and then off the tablets asap! The tablets also are giving me flushing of my skin - I literally go bright red and burning hot in random places, for example my knees, my forearms, my chest and my lower legs alongside my face, when I then resemble a badly painted garden gnome with glowing red cheeks!
I'm having headaches every day at the moment, didn't have them the first week post-partum but did from the 2nd week and they hurt and linger almost constantly. I don't know if it's a BP issue, a BP med issue or tiredness or stress - although I'm not particularly stressed, or what but something has to give because it's miserable. I've now had to start taking codeine, instead of just paracetamol, when they are really bad.
Also, I am having stomach pain on a big scale, I hope it's just because of the iron tablets I'm on because I did experience a lot of pain when taking them previously. I do have a sensitive stomach anyway and often feel pain of some sort - this pain is excruciating when it hits though and I am literally left sobbing and rocking, bent over in agony. I almost considered going to A&E the last time I had an episode of it and I avoid hospitals at all costs so you can be assured it is indeed bad. My midwife said I should definitely continue the iron for the full 6 weeks at least because it will take a while for my body to catch up and I will probably infact experience a drop in my levels because the units of blood I received after delivery are only good at boosting the level in the short-term on their own.
I'm sure the anaemia is to blame perhaps for the headaches too which means I'm in a nasty cycle of take iron = pain, don't take it = headaches. Ugh. Also sure the low levels explain the huge lack of energy, shortness of breath and racing heartbeat I'm having too.
Saying goodbye to my lovely midwife was a bit of an emotional milestone. She's like an old friend, I've had her for 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies going back to 2004 so that's a lot of years! She's a genuinely nice lady and I have a lot of respect for her - not least for putting up with me coming back every few years! LOL. No, seriously though. We had a hug and both had a tear in our eye, she also retires by next year and so I won't see her again if I do get pregnant again which will be really strange and a bit sad to be honest. But, all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes.
Oh and another 'milestone' - my hubster went back to work too recently, he had been off for 3 weeks in total so it took some adjusting to. Life truly has returned to normal here in my household which is chaos and crazy but yeah, LOL.
So, yes, I'm feeling a bit of a wreck as things stand, which isn't helping my mental state sometimes but I'm focusing on the positives and doing something to distract myself every day. I've already started looking for my next 'challenge' in life, my next goal - which is to get to Uni finally. If you know me in real life, you'll know that this has been my goal since I was 17 and although it's taken me until almost 35 to get there hopefully, get there I will! So this past week that's been a huge focus, filling out application form after application form and now I have everything crossed and that's all I can do!
On a more positive note, Finley is thriving and the guys share photos with me on a daily basis and he's changing so much already. We're meeting up tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited to have baby cuddles and Daddy squishes! It's weird already to look at him and see nothing of myself looking back but no sadness about that, I can't compute that that little guy was in my tummy at some point! I know that sounds weird but I had that same feeling with my last surrobaby too - my brain just sees it differently for some reason I guess. He's gorgeous and the guys have had lots and lots of family, from far and wide visiting to say 'hello' to the little guy, I love seeing how my small contribution has made so many people happy, that helps chase the blues away on the bad days. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing journey and to see the result of our true team effort.
So, nearly 3 weeks out and that's where I am currently. I am waiting on my labour notes so I can do my birth story, it does bother me a bit because if they don't hurry up then I'm afraid the small snippets of recollection I do have will fade too. I'm also apprehensive about receiving them because I know it will be emotional reading them back but I need to do it to try and piece as much together as I can from them. I've also requested a meeting with my antenatal consultant to talk through things because I've done a lot of reading about what happened and have questions, I may not get all the answers I'm craving but at least some things may become a little clearer and I know that will help me to heal and move forwards.
Anyway, with regards to the title - why is it that people ask you that whilst you've not even quit contracting?! I mean, what a dumb question to ask already but every pregnancy I've heard it. Well, yes, I'd love to have another surrogate baby and I think I'm pretty good at it too but of course I'm not dumb enough to simply jump feet first into anything after all that's happened, it's not just about me but about my family too.
I promised my IFs that I'd do a sibling project for them, right from the start and that promise stands true. Whether it actually happens, for whatever reason on either side, well, it's too early to say of course. It's a tricky situation because the embryos we have stored have to be used by me pretty much, although there are possibly ways around it and so there's that to factor in also. I have no qualms about doing it for the guys again, I adore them and we absolutely rocked as a team - there really is zero reason why I wouldn't get knocked up for them again! LOL.
I do love the look on people's faces when I say that though, they look at me with a look of 'you're nuts' crossed with 'you're amazing'.
As for the second question, I'm doing alright. I had a horrible few days last week, where I just cried. A lot. I was even beginning to think perhaps I had some PND going on because I feel bleak. I haven't at any point been sad because I don't have a baby, that's not it, I think it was the changing dynamics between my IFs and I, which I struggled with at first with my last match but this time around the guys are fantastic at keeping in touch and it is helping. No, I think the majority of my feelings are about the post-birth stuff. I just can't make peace with the fact that I've lost precious memories, I have hardly any recollection of the entire Saturday he was born and only patchy of the Sunday and that makes me sad. Really really sad. Worse thing is there's nothing anyone can do, you can't magic those memories back and there's no playback feature either - they're gone forever. I so wanted this journey to be perfect in its entirety and the most important parts were of course, we had the most amazing match, a fantastic pregnancy, a fabulous friendship and baby is beautiful and safe. Oh and I'm alive. But, the end just didn't follow that pattern sadly and it was all out of our control. That's what I'm concentrating on when I feel down, that no-one is to blame and it's just 'one of those things', I need to let it go or else it'll continue to eat away at me but it's so very hard some days.
Also, I feel like shit physically still. I say still but I'm only just almost 3 weeks post-partum so I really shouldn't expect to be anywhere near back to normal, even if I'd not been through all I had but it's hard because I'm not the type who deals with pain or being slowed down - I like living my life at 100mph strangely enough but my body just won't co-operate.
My bleeding has almost stopped for the most part, which is pretty great - no complaints there, I did have a few days of weird bleeding, clots, tenderness and pain where I was worried I had a repeat of my first surrogacy going on and had some retained products but that's passed now things have settled down thankfully. No infection, I had a negative swab that cleared that worry up!
Boobs are fine, almost back to normal and certainly no engorgement which I was dreading given how big and painful they got and for how long with my last surro baby! I still leak intermittently but it's no big deal and getting better every few days.
Clexane jabs are a pain in the, well, tummy. Ugh. Hate them but hubster is doing a sterling job of stabbing me twice daily, bless him. Right side is always more stingy and painful than the left and the lower the better seems to be the best but I still have bruises, lumps, jab marks and sore spots which are not welcome. Still, if it keeps me healthy then we'll push onwards. 2 weeks down, another 4 to go.
No pain with the tear or stitches in the cervix so that's a huge positive!
However my BP is still a bit of an issue, it's not scary high but it is high and at this point and on BP meds, it really should be back to pre-pregnancy levels but it's not which is disappointing because I hate taking any meds and it would be easier to swallow (no pun intended!) if they were doing exactly as they should. I was discharged by my community midwife a week ago and into GP care and I saw him this week, it's still high and I am to take my meds to control it for another 4 weeks at least. Ugh. I want to make a plan with regards to moving forwards and getting this issue under control and then off the tablets asap! The tablets also are giving me flushing of my skin - I literally go bright red and burning hot in random places, for example my knees, my forearms, my chest and my lower legs alongside my face, when I then resemble a badly painted garden gnome with glowing red cheeks!
I'm having headaches every day at the moment, didn't have them the first week post-partum but did from the 2nd week and they hurt and linger almost constantly. I don't know if it's a BP issue, a BP med issue or tiredness or stress - although I'm not particularly stressed, or what but something has to give because it's miserable. I've now had to start taking codeine, instead of just paracetamol, when they are really bad.
Also, I am having stomach pain on a big scale, I hope it's just because of the iron tablets I'm on because I did experience a lot of pain when taking them previously. I do have a sensitive stomach anyway and often feel pain of some sort - this pain is excruciating when it hits though and I am literally left sobbing and rocking, bent over in agony. I almost considered going to A&E the last time I had an episode of it and I avoid hospitals at all costs so you can be assured it is indeed bad. My midwife said I should definitely continue the iron for the full 6 weeks at least because it will take a while for my body to catch up and I will probably infact experience a drop in my levels because the units of blood I received after delivery are only good at boosting the level in the short-term on their own.
I'm sure the anaemia is to blame perhaps for the headaches too which means I'm in a nasty cycle of take iron = pain, don't take it = headaches. Ugh. Also sure the low levels explain the huge lack of energy, shortness of breath and racing heartbeat I'm having too.
Saying goodbye to my lovely midwife was a bit of an emotional milestone. She's like an old friend, I've had her for 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies going back to 2004 so that's a lot of years! She's a genuinely nice lady and I have a lot of respect for her - not least for putting up with me coming back every few years! LOL. No, seriously though. We had a hug and both had a tear in our eye, she also retires by next year and so I won't see her again if I do get pregnant again which will be really strange and a bit sad to be honest. But, all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes.
Oh and another 'milestone' - my hubster went back to work too recently, he had been off for 3 weeks in total so it took some adjusting to. Life truly has returned to normal here in my household which is chaos and crazy but yeah, LOL.
So, yes, I'm feeling a bit of a wreck as things stand, which isn't helping my mental state sometimes but I'm focusing on the positives and doing something to distract myself every day. I've already started looking for my next 'challenge' in life, my next goal - which is to get to Uni finally. If you know me in real life, you'll know that this has been my goal since I was 17 and although it's taken me until almost 35 to get there hopefully, get there I will! So this past week that's been a huge focus, filling out application form after application form and now I have everything crossed and that's all I can do!
On a more positive note, Finley is thriving and the guys share photos with me on a daily basis and he's changing so much already. We're meeting up tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited to have baby cuddles and Daddy squishes! It's weird already to look at him and see nothing of myself looking back but no sadness about that, I can't compute that that little guy was in my tummy at some point! I know that sounds weird but I had that same feeling with my last surrobaby too - my brain just sees it differently for some reason I guess. He's gorgeous and the guys have had lots and lots of family, from far and wide visiting to say 'hello' to the little guy, I love seeing how my small contribution has made so many people happy, that helps chase the blues away on the bad days. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing journey and to see the result of our true team effort.
So, nearly 3 weeks out and that's where I am currently. I am waiting on my labour notes so I can do my birth story, it does bother me a bit because if they don't hurry up then I'm afraid the small snippets of recollection I do have will fade too. I'm also apprehensive about receiving them because I know it will be emotional reading them back but I need to do it to try and piece as much together as I can from them. I've also requested a meeting with my antenatal consultant to talk through things because I've done a lot of reading about what happened and have questions, I may not get all the answers I'm craving but at least some things may become a little clearer and I know that will help me to heal and move forwards.
On The Ward
We were shown to the world's smallest room ever but at least it had an en-suite, well a toilet and sink even if no bath or shower! I think regardless, we were all grateful simply to just be moving forwards towards the goal of getting home and going to the regular ward was exactly that - one step closer. Still, there was no curtain on the window, no mattress up there for my IFs to sleep on and just a squeaky wooden rocking chair and one plastic chair in the other corner. I admit to feeling bad that I was on what must of seemed to the guys at that point, a luxurious bed!
It was late so M said goodbye to his son and B and hit the road for the hotel he would be staying in and poor B tried to make himself comfy on the rocking chair but quickly opted for the bare floor. :( He was so exhausted that after a quick change of F, he was out like a light and I wasn't far behind him.
An uneventful night really, B up and down seeing to his son, the usual checks every so often on my BP revealed actually it was pretty stable and almost down to near normal which was encouraging! I had a lot more brushes with needles as they continued to take bloods from my hands and arms. One vial would take 3 or 4 attempts to get, I was almost getting weepy when they would bring that sharps bin into my room. My temp behaved itself though and all seemed to be much calmer which was a relief. I was also able to move around freely which was nice but felt pretty crappy with the continuing noise in my head. It's like a reverberation type of sensation which is strange but I had it last time, it's the gas and air that does it for me, also tiredness but coupled with everything else - being anaemic, the cocktail of drugs this time, surgery etc, it was tenfold. Every time I got up to use the bathroom, I was afraid I would stumble on poor B on the floor so took it very slowly.
Soon daylight came streaming through the uncovered window and M came to swap places with B but B ended up staying too. He was on his knees though, so tired but we spent the Monday just relaxing and talking really, about everything, anything and nothing at times. I got more holds of F which was fab, he truly is a gorgeous little boy and it was a pleasure to have him thrust into my arms and not have to wonder if I should hold him or if I could. It was just so natural, after all we'd been through there really were no airs or graces, just us being us and it was actually an amazing time we all agree - to just really bond with each other and make what could of been an unnatural and awkward situation, all exhausted and stressed, cooped up in a tiny room, into something that was super special in the end.
The guys were brilliant at continuing to care for their baby, I love the post-natal time where I can simply sit back and observe the bonding between the fathers and their child, it's truly priceless and if I were to find a silver lining in the fact that we were still in hospital then that would be it.
Also I cannot stress enough just how fantastic they were at not only looking after him but at looking after me. They were shattered themselves, it wasn't just me who had had my world turned upside down but them too (in a good way and of course the bad) and yet they were so focused on me and helping me feel comfortable and recover and I can't thank them enough for that. It was the little things - encouraging me to eat and providing me with a non-stop supply of my favourite drinks and sandwiches, keeping me positive when I was feeling a bit down about everything, making me laugh my head off much of the time and lots of hugs too.
Also on the Monday my husband popped in to see me for the first time since we'd said goodbye for Day Assessment on the Friday - it turns out, I later discovered, that he hadn't realised the gravity of the situation over the weekend or else he most certainly would of been in sooner. It hadn't even occurred to me he may not know, I just assumed and poor B and M didn't know what to tell him at the time it all kicked off because they themselves didn't really know so kept it short and to the point. Everyone was in another zone during that time and no blame can be given to anyone. I had also simply assumed my husband knew B and M would look after me (and they did!) and that he had no-one to look after our 3 children (which is pretty much true) so it wasn't a problem but I know my husband felt awful that he hadn't been there before once he found out. Anyway, so yes, he popped in and it was fantastic to see him and he was coming back later with the children once he'd got them from school so that perked me up!
We were all anxiously awaiting talk of going home but poor F had to have several more repeat bloods tests for his bili levels, mainly because the lab appeared to of lost them, well maybe not the lab but somewhere between it leaving his little heels and the lab, something had broken in the chain. It was awful watching him endure so many blood draws but the guys were stoical about it and knew the importance of the results. There was a funny incident where a young midwife escorted B and baby to the nursery area to take his blood and when B returned, he said the midwife had fainted. Now, B loves to have a joke so I wasn't biting this time and dismissed it but when he swore on his son's life it was true, well, I knew it had to be. Turns out the poor girl was pregnant, had felt faint taking the blood, made it outside the nursery door and prompted keeled over and was then sick! Honestly, it could only happen to us and added to the madness that has become our birth story. Thankfully she was fine and made a full recovery and joked with us all about it a little later.
We had heard talk from the midwife we may be discharged that day so were buoyed up but a short while later another midwife said no, my bloods weren't quite right and the Dr said I had to stay yet another night. We were of course disappointed but knew that it was only a matter of playing the waiting game and there was no real cause to believe we wouldn't be out the following day.
A short while later, we had got word that F's last set of bloods were on the decrease and he was officially ready for discharge. I urged the guys to take him back to the hotel and I'd be fine there on my own, my husband being the legal parent could of taken him out of the hospital and it wouldn't of been a problem but they were having none of it and insisted we went in as a team and would leave as a team - together. So sweet of them, I felt so bad though that it was me holding them up now.
That evening my beautiful babies came to see me, I wasn't sure who they were more excited to see - me or the baby! It was an amazing hour with them and my IFs and F, the room was filled with love and laughter and they all had as much time to hold him as they could and B took what felt like a million pictures. I have a couple of phone pictures of my children holding my first surrogate baby so this was lovely and now I've viewed the pictures, they will be treasured forever by all of us I think. Captured a really special moment and a super special atmosphere. I was worried they would get upset when it was time to leave but some super special hand-picked presents from the latest surro arrival and his Daddies stopped any sadness in its tracks and they left holding their new furry friends, full of big smiles as we all walked down the corridor and them out of the ward doors. It was every bit as special as I'd hoped to be honest, there had been a bit of a bump with my children meeting my first surrogate baby for the first time and B and M knew that it had stayed with me and upset me and said that it would be different this time and true to their word, as always, it absolutely was so all thanks to them for those memories this time around.
Soon it was time for B to head off to the hotel and for M to stay. M had already told me during the day that he was going to take F to the communal tv room for the night so I could get some true rest. I reassured him it wasn't necessary, he was as welcome to stay as always and I would sleep regardless but he was determined nothing would disturb me - well apart from the nurses, that night and despite having a very comfy camp bed (courtesy of my hubster who insisted on getting it in for the night), true to his word, he disappeared off down the corridor after I'd had a shower and I had what was the best nights sleep I'd had since the Friday. Before I went to bed though, I suddenly was overcome with tears. I don't know why, I wasn't unhappy, probably tiredness and the stress starting to show itself but I couldn't stop. I was glad M wasn't in the room as I know he would of been lovely and hugged me tight and I may never of stopped! I think I needed the release because it helped me go straight to sleep. And sleep I did. it wasn't a good sleep, I was uncomfy and still felt rubbish generally and it was a hospital environment but no complaints, I managed to snatch some hours here and there and all was well until I woke up feeling very sick indeed around 5am. A different kind of sickness to my usual tiredness sickness, that had plagued me the entire stay, I started to think perhaps I had a stomach bug which would of been dire stuck in hospital and sent my BP sky-rocketing so I asked for a sickness tablet once again and just breathed through the nausea. By this time, M came back into the room for the day and was so good at keeping my mind occupied, he must of been exhausted from being up all night but he just talked to me - about everything and anything and it was so appreciated. The distraction worked and soon we were both dozing between F waking us, more tests and people coming in and out, drs coming in and the usual clattering of a hospital ward.
Morning midwife brought news that we would be discharged if my final set of bloods (yep, stabbed AGAIN) and obs came back clear. B came back and we just spent the morning talking and keeping everything crossed until word came through that we were being sprung! Finally! My husband came up to see me right on time and we were just waiting to complete the discharge talks, paperwork and for my meds to come up from the pharmacy. I took the opportunity to take a walk with hubster down the corridor to the communal tv room, my legs felt like jelly, my head and heart were pounding, my stomach flipping and I felt truly awful but that change of scenery was much needed after days of laying in bed and staring at various walls! When we returned to the room, a short while later the midwife took my final set of obs and told me my temperature was a little high - we all held our breath I think but the midwife consulted another and they said it was still fine for me to go. I think it was probably all the manic running around we did to get our stuff ready to run out the door before they changed their mind that caused it! Ooops!
B and M had had their discharge talk and an overly insistent maternity assistant made them sit through a patronising and apparently pretty obvious demonstration of how to bath their baby, using a very old (and smelly) doll and then I was given the talk about what to be aware of post-natally and once my medication made it to the room, F was safely cocooned in his car seat for the first time and we were ready for the fresh air and freedom of the outside world!
I didn't feel any true sadness that this was the end of this part of our journey but rather a sense of relief that the guys were finally going to walk out the hospital with their precious bundle happy and healthy and that I was able to walk out at all, given how differently things could of gone. Outside and we all said our goodbyes, I think we were all being a bit brave for one another then since it did feel a little sad at that point but I knew it wasn't a case of 'goodbye' but rather 'see ya later!' with these 2 good guys so it was all fine.
As I climbed into the car with my husband, I watched the new family of 3 walking towards the car park, arm around the other and holding their baby in his car seat and all felt right with the world. When I turned the radio on a short while later and the first song playing was Kelly Clarkson's 'Stronger', that was when the tears flowed. It was finally ok not to be strong......
It was late so M said goodbye to his son and B and hit the road for the hotel he would be staying in and poor B tried to make himself comfy on the rocking chair but quickly opted for the bare floor. :( He was so exhausted that after a quick change of F, he was out like a light and I wasn't far behind him.
An uneventful night really, B up and down seeing to his son, the usual checks every so often on my BP revealed actually it was pretty stable and almost down to near normal which was encouraging! I had a lot more brushes with needles as they continued to take bloods from my hands and arms. One vial would take 3 or 4 attempts to get, I was almost getting weepy when they would bring that sharps bin into my room. My temp behaved itself though and all seemed to be much calmer which was a relief. I was also able to move around freely which was nice but felt pretty crappy with the continuing noise in my head. It's like a reverberation type of sensation which is strange but I had it last time, it's the gas and air that does it for me, also tiredness but coupled with everything else - being anaemic, the cocktail of drugs this time, surgery etc, it was tenfold. Every time I got up to use the bathroom, I was afraid I would stumble on poor B on the floor so took it very slowly.
Soon daylight came streaming through the uncovered window and M came to swap places with B but B ended up staying too. He was on his knees though, so tired but we spent the Monday just relaxing and talking really, about everything, anything and nothing at times. I got more holds of F which was fab, he truly is a gorgeous little boy and it was a pleasure to have him thrust into my arms and not have to wonder if I should hold him or if I could. It was just so natural, after all we'd been through there really were no airs or graces, just us being us and it was actually an amazing time we all agree - to just really bond with each other and make what could of been an unnatural and awkward situation, all exhausted and stressed, cooped up in a tiny room, into something that was super special in the end.
The guys were brilliant at continuing to care for their baby, I love the post-natal time where I can simply sit back and observe the bonding between the fathers and their child, it's truly priceless and if I were to find a silver lining in the fact that we were still in hospital then that would be it.
Also I cannot stress enough just how fantastic they were at not only looking after him but at looking after me. They were shattered themselves, it wasn't just me who had had my world turned upside down but them too (in a good way and of course the bad) and yet they were so focused on me and helping me feel comfortable and recover and I can't thank them enough for that. It was the little things - encouraging me to eat and providing me with a non-stop supply of my favourite drinks and sandwiches, keeping me positive when I was feeling a bit down about everything, making me laugh my head off much of the time and lots of hugs too.
Also on the Monday my husband popped in to see me for the first time since we'd said goodbye for Day Assessment on the Friday - it turns out, I later discovered, that he hadn't realised the gravity of the situation over the weekend or else he most certainly would of been in sooner. It hadn't even occurred to me he may not know, I just assumed and poor B and M didn't know what to tell him at the time it all kicked off because they themselves didn't really know so kept it short and to the point. Everyone was in another zone during that time and no blame can be given to anyone. I had also simply assumed my husband knew B and M would look after me (and they did!) and that he had no-one to look after our 3 children (which is pretty much true) so it wasn't a problem but I know my husband felt awful that he hadn't been there before once he found out. Anyway, so yes, he popped in and it was fantastic to see him and he was coming back later with the children once he'd got them from school so that perked me up!
We were all anxiously awaiting talk of going home but poor F had to have several more repeat bloods tests for his bili levels, mainly because the lab appeared to of lost them, well maybe not the lab but somewhere between it leaving his little heels and the lab, something had broken in the chain. It was awful watching him endure so many blood draws but the guys were stoical about it and knew the importance of the results. There was a funny incident where a young midwife escorted B and baby to the nursery area to take his blood and when B returned, he said the midwife had fainted. Now, B loves to have a joke so I wasn't biting this time and dismissed it but when he swore on his son's life it was true, well, I knew it had to be. Turns out the poor girl was pregnant, had felt faint taking the blood, made it outside the nursery door and prompted keeled over and was then sick! Honestly, it could only happen to us and added to the madness that has become our birth story. Thankfully she was fine and made a full recovery and joked with us all about it a little later.
We had heard talk from the midwife we may be discharged that day so were buoyed up but a short while later another midwife said no, my bloods weren't quite right and the Dr said I had to stay yet another night. We were of course disappointed but knew that it was only a matter of playing the waiting game and there was no real cause to believe we wouldn't be out the following day.
A short while later, we had got word that F's last set of bloods were on the decrease and he was officially ready for discharge. I urged the guys to take him back to the hotel and I'd be fine there on my own, my husband being the legal parent could of taken him out of the hospital and it wouldn't of been a problem but they were having none of it and insisted we went in as a team and would leave as a team - together. So sweet of them, I felt so bad though that it was me holding them up now.
That evening my beautiful babies came to see me, I wasn't sure who they were more excited to see - me or the baby! It was an amazing hour with them and my IFs and F, the room was filled with love and laughter and they all had as much time to hold him as they could and B took what felt like a million pictures. I have a couple of phone pictures of my children holding my first surrogate baby so this was lovely and now I've viewed the pictures, they will be treasured forever by all of us I think. Captured a really special moment and a super special atmosphere. I was worried they would get upset when it was time to leave but some super special hand-picked presents from the latest surro arrival and his Daddies stopped any sadness in its tracks and they left holding their new furry friends, full of big smiles as we all walked down the corridor and them out of the ward doors. It was every bit as special as I'd hoped to be honest, there had been a bit of a bump with my children meeting my first surrogate baby for the first time and B and M knew that it had stayed with me and upset me and said that it would be different this time and true to their word, as always, it absolutely was so all thanks to them for those memories this time around.
Soon it was time for B to head off to the hotel and for M to stay. M had already told me during the day that he was going to take F to the communal tv room for the night so I could get some true rest. I reassured him it wasn't necessary, he was as welcome to stay as always and I would sleep regardless but he was determined nothing would disturb me - well apart from the nurses, that night and despite having a very comfy camp bed (courtesy of my hubster who insisted on getting it in for the night), true to his word, he disappeared off down the corridor after I'd had a shower and I had what was the best nights sleep I'd had since the Friday. Before I went to bed though, I suddenly was overcome with tears. I don't know why, I wasn't unhappy, probably tiredness and the stress starting to show itself but I couldn't stop. I was glad M wasn't in the room as I know he would of been lovely and hugged me tight and I may never of stopped! I think I needed the release because it helped me go straight to sleep. And sleep I did. it wasn't a good sleep, I was uncomfy and still felt rubbish generally and it was a hospital environment but no complaints, I managed to snatch some hours here and there and all was well until I woke up feeling very sick indeed around 5am. A different kind of sickness to my usual tiredness sickness, that had plagued me the entire stay, I started to think perhaps I had a stomach bug which would of been dire stuck in hospital and sent my BP sky-rocketing so I asked for a sickness tablet once again and just breathed through the nausea. By this time, M came back into the room for the day and was so good at keeping my mind occupied, he must of been exhausted from being up all night but he just talked to me - about everything and anything and it was so appreciated. The distraction worked and soon we were both dozing between F waking us, more tests and people coming in and out, drs coming in and the usual clattering of a hospital ward.
Morning midwife brought news that we would be discharged if my final set of bloods (yep, stabbed AGAIN) and obs came back clear. B came back and we just spent the morning talking and keeping everything crossed until word came through that we were being sprung! Finally! My husband came up to see me right on time and we were just waiting to complete the discharge talks, paperwork and for my meds to come up from the pharmacy. I took the opportunity to take a walk with hubster down the corridor to the communal tv room, my legs felt like jelly, my head and heart were pounding, my stomach flipping and I felt truly awful but that change of scenery was much needed after days of laying in bed and staring at various walls! When we returned to the room, a short while later the midwife took my final set of obs and told me my temperature was a little high - we all held our breath I think but the midwife consulted another and they said it was still fine for me to go. I think it was probably all the manic running around we did to get our stuff ready to run out the door before they changed their mind that caused it! Ooops!
B and M had had their discharge talk and an overly insistent maternity assistant made them sit through a patronising and apparently pretty obvious demonstration of how to bath their baby, using a very old (and smelly) doll and then I was given the talk about what to be aware of post-natally and once my medication made it to the room, F was safely cocooned in his car seat for the first time and we were ready for the fresh air and freedom of the outside world!
I didn't feel any true sadness that this was the end of this part of our journey but rather a sense of relief that the guys were finally going to walk out the hospital with their precious bundle happy and healthy and that I was able to walk out at all, given how differently things could of gone. Outside and we all said our goodbyes, I think we were all being a bit brave for one another then since it did feel a little sad at that point but I knew it wasn't a case of 'goodbye' but rather 'see ya later!' with these 2 good guys so it was all fine.
As I climbed into the car with my husband, I watched the new family of 3 walking towards the car park, arm around the other and holding their baby in his car seat and all felt right with the world. When I turned the radio on a short while later and the first song playing was Kelly Clarkson's 'Stronger', that was when the tears flowed. It was finally ok not to be strong......
The Good and The Bad
Very soon we were taken down to Delivery, it was around 10pm, all
chatting like nothing major was actually happening. As we were left
alone in what seemed like a penthouse suite sized room, it all seemed
very real that the guys would be meeting their son in this very room in
the not too distant future. We then met our midwife for the induction, a
lovely and very, shall we say, unique lady called Mary. Bless her, she
was quite the character but I remember her very thick glittery blue
eyeshadow, her even thicker Bristolian accent, her fondness for standing way
too close to me (I suspect she couldn't actually see very well unless
she did and that wasn't helped by the lights being dimmed!) and her
over-use of the word 'poppet' and 'my love'. The look on the guys faces
cracks me up even now, it was a mixture of amusement and despair. We
weren't to know that that dear woman gave us all much needed laughter
during and after the birth and now I think we all remember her fondly
for sure.
She was however the slowest lady ever, she meticulously wrote in my notes, which was good of course but it meant some awkward silences and also she took forever to do anything. Such as finding baby's heartbeat on the monitor - she kept saying he must of turned but I knew he hadn't and the guys were growing a bit impatient of her faffing around, not least because having held the transducer on themselves for a long time in Day Assessment, they knew just where to find it but Mary had her own ideas. LOL. Eventually though, she found him and all was ok on that front. My BP was 165/90 at this stage and I was starting to run a temp according to my notes.
Mary had a lot of trouble getting a needle into my hand to give me the drugs for my bp and gave us after a few attempts and said since we'd agreed I would have an epidural, that the anaesthetist could pop one in and with more experience than them, probably easier too.
The anaesthetist came in and I explained my previous experiences with an epidural and as he listened he jabbed at my hands, trying again and again to get a needle in but without any more success than the midwife had had. I don't know what's happened to my veins but more and more I'm finding they don't want to play when I need them to. I recall him repeatedly trying to insert them and I found it painful, for some weird reason I get an electric shock sensation whenever I get an IV put in my hands and the anaesthetist maybe didn't believe me because each 'ouch' was met with 'surely that can't hurt?' and 'I've no idea why that's hurting'. Well sunshine, it did!
Eventually he did get access sorted and I put a gown on and then the Mag Sulfate drip was started, also antibiotic drugs too for a UTI they said I had and some Codeine for the worsening headache. Also I was wired up to an ECG monitor and had my BP checked again, it was still 150/90 and I had the headache grew worse but we were excited to finally get this labour party started!
Next up it was time to have my waters broken...
Mary did a lot of writing, dipping into the brighter lights of the bathroom occasionally to squint at paperwork I'm told. LOL and I was feeling uncomfortable niggles already from the earlier stretch and sweep and so concentrated on breathing through those for the most part. At 00:30 on the Saturday, Mary finally got her butt into gear after a 2nd midwife told her she was supposed to of done it already, and broke my waters. My god, that was bloody painful, she seemed to be inserting her entire hand and took forever to tell me how dilated she thought I was and then that my cervix was still high, despite the midwife upstairs telling me I would be an easy to ARM! But anyway, yes waters were broke.
With the Mag Sulfate running and a catheter inserted I was told I'd be re-examined in 2 hours to check progress and my epidural would soon be sited.
The anaesthetist was very pleasant as he got his stuff ready to get me pain-free, with any luck and it felt like he had succeed where others had failed in previous pregnancies but soon the breakthrough pain started on the other side! LOL. Normally I find my left side doesn't work properly but this time, it was the right. I think with hindsight he had gone too far over and whatever block in my back I have, anatomy wise, that prevents an epidural working fully had stopped the meds going over to the right side this time. Sod's Law, I was grateful he had tried to sort it out and get it to work fully nonetheless. I was given a self-control pump for the epidural, just as last time and I religiously clicked that button and felt the cool medicine travel down the tubing and into my back, followed by a lull in the pain and we settled into what was the start of labour ramping up.
I wasn't aware of much at this stage as contractions kicked in pretty quickly and I was breathing through them alongside the epidural. BP was 155/92 at this stage. By 2am, it was settling at 130/90 and we felt I was stabilising a bit and this could perhaps become less of a dramatic induction and delivery. My IFs held my hands and one timed contractions on their phone because at this point, I wasn't on continuous monitoring. I remember my IF talking and not paying attention to my 'and another...' cue to start the timer and be slightly irked that the one job he had and he wasn't doing it. LOL. I was contracting 3:10 at that time and we were just waiting to see how things would progress but I was already in the zone by that point, half through tiredness at being awake so long and half through the pain I was already in.
I can't finish this yet as I am still waiting on my notes to complete it so stay tuned but putting this up for now to keep my blog in order!
As said in later entries, I now don't think I can fill in too much from where I left off but what I can recall follows...
I recall feeling a huge increase in pain down below, instinctively I knew this meant baby was right there and almost ready to be born. I said rather sharply to Mary to get me some anti-nausea meds because I was feeling like I might vomit (I knew this confirmed I was almost at the point of delivery) but I needed gas and air to help me cope with the incredibly strong pain I was now feeling and knew without an anti-emetic top up that I would puke if I had any. Vicious circle! Mary seemed to faff around and I was getting desperate so I again repeated my request, whilst telling my IFs that 'he's right there, I know it, he's right there!' and thankfully she took notice this time! She said she'd check me again and declared as soon as she did 'he's right there! You were right!' LOL, no time for smugness but time to push. On one side, my leg held up, I was told to push with the contraction and not stop until it has gone. I recall her saying next push and his head would be out, although my contraction had gone I decided to push anyway because the pain was excruciating and I knew once his head was out, it would stop. I regret that decision now and wonder if it had any bearing on the eventual outcome of my whole labour and delivery experience.
With that push, his head popped out and next recall the guys sobbing. Despite being on a high from the gas and air and shock it happened so fast, I remember saying to myself to look at them because I regretted not seeing my last IFs faces at this point. The look of awe and love on their faces will stay with me forever. Amazing. Just no words to describe that moment from my point of view.
From this point on, I don't remember much - certainly not in detail or order but here's what I do recall...
I remember Mary and her assisting midwife Jo saying that the placenta would be out soon and to give a little push to help expel it. Everything seemed to be normal at that point. The boys were offered a look at their son's life-support system for the past 9 months. Mary and Jo kept checking my tummy, to see if my uterus was contracting as expected and again, that was a normal practice from my point of view. However they kept checking down below and rubbing my stomach...
I heard Jo say that there was some clots, I wasn't unduly worried, no-one seemed concerned. But then Mary and Jo were talking about clots again, and more massaging my stomach. I think I heard them saying to get someone else to pop in to have a look - I think looking back that the fact I wasn't concerned, and that I can't remember things is because I was already actually unwell, not that I knew that at the time.
I remember Jo saying she needed to examine me again and being fed up at this point because with each examination, I was in pain but let her do it anyway and she literally was pushing me up the bed with the force of inserting her hand and what I now know, taking clots out. Several people appeared in the room and a dr asked if she could examine me and I told her that it was hurting me now and with Jo now massaging my stomach very vigorously that that was hurting me too. The dr told me to take some gas and air and see if that helped with the pain as she did what she needed to, it did but it made the room spin and I couldn't keep my eyes open and I vividly recall hearing a swirl of voices all talking and making no sense. Someone said to give me this med, that med and try that.
A man (doctor) who I'd not seen before appeared by my head and hurriedly explained that I was bleeding and they couldn't stop it and I needed to go to theatre so they could sort me out better but that there were risks and I remember him saying 'you may need a hysterectomy but we've got lots we can try before then' and him asking me to sign the consent form - which I of course did. I looked up at Jo, who was still pummelling my stomach and said 'lie to me if you must, but tell me you see this all the time?' and she looked and said 'of course we do!' and I knew she was lying but still felt a smile cross my face at her response.
Next I know was my bed moving and my cannula being pulled at in my arm as someone hadn't kept pace with the drip attached to it. I heard 'severe hemorrhage - room 1' booming out over the internal intercom and thinking 'I'm in room 1!!!!' It dawned on me I was in trouble and I recall thinking 'please, my babies, please let me be ok'.
I recall the bright theatre light, the bustle of activity and voices, being slid across the bed and onto the theatre bed, the anaesthetist who had put in my epidural told me to sit up as a spinal was inserted into my spine. As he was doing that, a nurse asked what jewellery I had on as she taped them all. Soon I lost feeling in my lower half and was laid down, my arms being put out either side of me (for IV access and monitoring) and telling someone I felt sick. I remember the smell of the silicone from the oxygen mask and telling myself not to sniff it or I would vomit and panicking because I was on my back, that I would then choke. Someone put something in my IV and I started to feel the nausea wane thankfully but a scratchy cardboard sick bowl put beside my head. I remember seeing my legs being put into boot type stirrups, I had no feeling so it didn't seem that they could be mine but I knew they were and I recall seeing a Dr between my legs and then my eyes closed, I was so tired and of course in shock and losing a lot of blood I now know.
I've no idea of time frames but the next thing I can recall is feeling a strong hand in mine and opening my eyes just enough to see a different face and thinking that that was the face and hand of a person who knew what they were doing. I was shaking violently and remembering thinking was I cold but not feeling cold. Someone told someone else to get a bear blanket (it's a hot air blanket I later found out!) More voices, I couldn't keep my eyes open but I could hear them talking about not being able to get a BP reading due to my shaking and talk of them waiting on blood for me but that because they found an antibody they had to wait longer than anticipated. I heard someone suggest an arterial line and felt the pain but not really caring, as they jabbed another needle into my arms. As the warm air circulated around my body from the heating blanket, I relaxed a little and drifted off again. Next thing I heard was someone saying I needed to go to High Dependency and I freaked at that point in my head as that never means good things.
Soon my bed was on the move and I saw the familiar surrounding of my delivery room. I couldn't open my eyes but I heard my IF ask me if I was ok and felt him stroking my hair. I nodded and that was all I could manage. No idea of time or anything but I know a midwife periodically asked me if I was ok, I heard the machines beeping and random voices, an oxygen mask was placed over my face again as my respiratory rate hit 6 and the midwife called the consultant for advice and I drifted in and out of consciousness.
I do vividly remember the midwife asking my IFs if someone had told my husband, B said he had but it was a delicate balancing act of telling him what was going on but at that point not knowing what the problem actually was, giving him inaccurate information too.
I don't know what time it was but I can next remember opening my eyes and seeing Fin in an incubator, having photo-therapy and blue under the lights. I couldn't of known why at that point but it didn't strike me as odd, I think I was just too disorientated to question it.
Over the next few hours, I became more aware of my surroundings. I discovered our new lovely midwife was called Liz, Liz was the lady who had held my hand with such confidence in theatre. I learnt that I had had a cervical tear that needed stitching in theatre, I had lost 1.8L of blood and so had had a severe post-partum hemorrhage and that I had antibodies in my blood that meant I had needed a special type of blood and Fin was having photo-therapy because it had caused him jaundice and a high billirubin level. I continued to receive IV meds and blood - in total I had 3 litres. I also had a balloon left in my uterus, to help it clot and the bleeding stop. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck but it was surreal and like it had happened to someone else - just didn't compute I'd been through all of that when everything had gone so well at the birth.
I was very scared when time came to take the balloon out of my uterus later that day and I asked Liz what would happen if I was still bleeding and she said not to worry because if I had been bleeding still and the balloon hadn't of done it's job then we'd of known by now. That was logical to me and so helped calm my fears a little but it wasn't until that balloon was removed and the Dr confirmed it had worked that I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Drs came in every so often, they would check my blood loss, talk about how I felt and suggest treatments. They asked me if I was ok and understood what had happened and couldn't believe how calm I had been and was about all that had happened - as I said to them, when you're in that situation, panicking doesn't help. I also think I was so ill that I wasn't fully with it and that's why I didn't freak out.
They said they expected me to stay in HDU for at least that night incase I needed to go back to theatre urgently but that if all went well, we'd then go to a ward. My IFs took such good care of me, they encouraged me to try to eat and drink, a day later to shower and even emptied my catheter bag. Love, love right there! I watched them caring for their baby, I remember thinking how wonderful they were despite knowing they had been through hell too. My IF took some amazing photos during this time, photos that I resented him taking at the time because I hate having my picture taken but now that I look back upon gratefully because they help piece together events that I have no other memory of ever happening. We had a lovely time with our midwife, she was so nice and we all talked a lot and even laughed too. Jo came back on shift that night and was my midwife for the night, it was nice to see her again and debrief in a way. She told me that she had gone home mulling events over, she said that she doesn't know what made her check me internally post-delivery, just a hunch she said. Thank god for her hunch because it could ultimately of saved my life. If I'd of gone to the ward and no-one of noticed for a few hours....
We remained in HDU overnight, I didn't sleep well because I had these air boots on my feet and legs to help prevent DVTs, I was unable to have my usual blood thinning injection to prevent them due to the risk of starting my bleeding up again but these boots made a whooshing noise as they inflated and deflated and made my legs move on their own which wasn't condusive to sleep! As soon as I could, I asked to have them removed. LOL.
Fin had lots of blood tests throughout our stay on Delivery, monitoring his billirubin levels. Unfortunately for him, one lot was lost and another clotted before it could be tested so he had more needle jabs than he should of had. I felt my IFs upset when they heard that more blood was needed, poor Fin's heels were all taped up by the end of the stay and so bruised. :( But worth it when we were told he didn't need to go back under lights, he wasn't happy being put in his little incubator and would wake himself flailing around in there. However they did say that he would still need more blood tests to ensure his levels were going down satisfactorily but still one small step forward was welcomed!
On the Monday, the drs said I was stable enough to go to the ward. We were all pleased as it meant I was out of danger and that we were a step closer to going home but all of us were sad to leave behind our fab midwife, Liz and all the rest of the staff on Delivery Suite. I treasure the photos we have of Liz and us together, she was a fantastic comfort to us all.
It wasn't until late that night we got a room upstairs, Liz worked all afternoon to ensure a room became available and we weren't faced with the situation of me having to look after Fin alone overnight and the guys being kicked out. So grateful when she came in all smiled and said we had one and would soon be going upstairs!
.........
She was however the slowest lady ever, she meticulously wrote in my notes, which was good of course but it meant some awkward silences and also she took forever to do anything. Such as finding baby's heartbeat on the monitor - she kept saying he must of turned but I knew he hadn't and the guys were growing a bit impatient of her faffing around, not least because having held the transducer on themselves for a long time in Day Assessment, they knew just where to find it but Mary had her own ideas. LOL. Eventually though, she found him and all was ok on that front. My BP was 165/90 at this stage and I was starting to run a temp according to my notes.
Mary had a lot of trouble getting a needle into my hand to give me the drugs for my bp and gave us after a few attempts and said since we'd agreed I would have an epidural, that the anaesthetist could pop one in and with more experience than them, probably easier too.
The anaesthetist came in and I explained my previous experiences with an epidural and as he listened he jabbed at my hands, trying again and again to get a needle in but without any more success than the midwife had had. I don't know what's happened to my veins but more and more I'm finding they don't want to play when I need them to. I recall him repeatedly trying to insert them and I found it painful, for some weird reason I get an electric shock sensation whenever I get an IV put in my hands and the anaesthetist maybe didn't believe me because each 'ouch' was met with 'surely that can't hurt?' and 'I've no idea why that's hurting'. Well sunshine, it did!
Eventually he did get access sorted and I put a gown on and then the Mag Sulfate drip was started, also antibiotic drugs too for a UTI they said I had and some Codeine for the worsening headache. Also I was wired up to an ECG monitor and had my BP checked again, it was still 150/90 and I had the headache grew worse but we were excited to finally get this labour party started!
Next up it was time to have my waters broken...
Mary did a lot of writing, dipping into the brighter lights of the bathroom occasionally to squint at paperwork I'm told. LOL and I was feeling uncomfortable niggles already from the earlier stretch and sweep and so concentrated on breathing through those for the most part. At 00:30 on the Saturday, Mary finally got her butt into gear after a 2nd midwife told her she was supposed to of done it already, and broke my waters. My god, that was bloody painful, she seemed to be inserting her entire hand and took forever to tell me how dilated she thought I was and then that my cervix was still high, despite the midwife upstairs telling me I would be an easy to ARM! But anyway, yes waters were broke.
With the Mag Sulfate running and a catheter inserted I was told I'd be re-examined in 2 hours to check progress and my epidural would soon be sited.
The anaesthetist was very pleasant as he got his stuff ready to get me pain-free, with any luck and it felt like he had succeed where others had failed in previous pregnancies but soon the breakthrough pain started on the other side! LOL. Normally I find my left side doesn't work properly but this time, it was the right. I think with hindsight he had gone too far over and whatever block in my back I have, anatomy wise, that prevents an epidural working fully had stopped the meds going over to the right side this time. Sod's Law, I was grateful he had tried to sort it out and get it to work fully nonetheless. I was given a self-control pump for the epidural, just as last time and I religiously clicked that button and felt the cool medicine travel down the tubing and into my back, followed by a lull in the pain and we settled into what was the start of labour ramping up.
I wasn't aware of much at this stage as contractions kicked in pretty quickly and I was breathing through them alongside the epidural. BP was 155/92 at this stage. By 2am, it was settling at 130/90 and we felt I was stabilising a bit and this could perhaps become less of a dramatic induction and delivery. My IFs held my hands and one timed contractions on their phone because at this point, I wasn't on continuous monitoring. I remember my IF talking and not paying attention to my 'and another...' cue to start the timer and be slightly irked that the one job he had and he wasn't doing it. LOL. I was contracting 3:10 at that time and we were just waiting to see how things would progress but I was already in the zone by that point, half through tiredness at being awake so long and half through the pain I was already in.
I can't finish this yet as I am still waiting on my notes to complete it so stay tuned but putting this up for now to keep my blog in order!
As said in later entries, I now don't think I can fill in too much from where I left off but what I can recall follows...
I recall feeling a huge increase in pain down below, instinctively I knew this meant baby was right there and almost ready to be born. I said rather sharply to Mary to get me some anti-nausea meds because I was feeling like I might vomit (I knew this confirmed I was almost at the point of delivery) but I needed gas and air to help me cope with the incredibly strong pain I was now feeling and knew without an anti-emetic top up that I would puke if I had any. Vicious circle! Mary seemed to faff around and I was getting desperate so I again repeated my request, whilst telling my IFs that 'he's right there, I know it, he's right there!' and thankfully she took notice this time! She said she'd check me again and declared as soon as she did 'he's right there! You were right!' LOL, no time for smugness but time to push. On one side, my leg held up, I was told to push with the contraction and not stop until it has gone. I recall her saying next push and his head would be out, although my contraction had gone I decided to push anyway because the pain was excruciating and I knew once his head was out, it would stop. I regret that decision now and wonder if it had any bearing on the eventual outcome of my whole labour and delivery experience.
With that push, his head popped out and next recall the guys sobbing. Despite being on a high from the gas and air and shock it happened so fast, I remember saying to myself to look at them because I regretted not seeing my last IFs faces at this point. The look of awe and love on their faces will stay with me forever. Amazing. Just no words to describe that moment from my point of view.
From this point on, I don't remember much - certainly not in detail or order but here's what I do recall...
I remember Mary and her assisting midwife Jo saying that the placenta would be out soon and to give a little push to help expel it. Everything seemed to be normal at that point. The boys were offered a look at their son's life-support system for the past 9 months. Mary and Jo kept checking my tummy, to see if my uterus was contracting as expected and again, that was a normal practice from my point of view. However they kept checking down below and rubbing my stomach...
I heard Jo say that there was some clots, I wasn't unduly worried, no-one seemed concerned. But then Mary and Jo were talking about clots again, and more massaging my stomach. I think I heard them saying to get someone else to pop in to have a look - I think looking back that the fact I wasn't concerned, and that I can't remember things is because I was already actually unwell, not that I knew that at the time.
I remember Jo saying she needed to examine me again and being fed up at this point because with each examination, I was in pain but let her do it anyway and she literally was pushing me up the bed with the force of inserting her hand and what I now know, taking clots out. Several people appeared in the room and a dr asked if she could examine me and I told her that it was hurting me now and with Jo now massaging my stomach very vigorously that that was hurting me too. The dr told me to take some gas and air and see if that helped with the pain as she did what she needed to, it did but it made the room spin and I couldn't keep my eyes open and I vividly recall hearing a swirl of voices all talking and making no sense. Someone said to give me this med, that med and try that.
A man (doctor) who I'd not seen before appeared by my head and hurriedly explained that I was bleeding and they couldn't stop it and I needed to go to theatre so they could sort me out better but that there were risks and I remember him saying 'you may need a hysterectomy but we've got lots we can try before then' and him asking me to sign the consent form - which I of course did. I looked up at Jo, who was still pummelling my stomach and said 'lie to me if you must, but tell me you see this all the time?' and she looked and said 'of course we do!' and I knew she was lying but still felt a smile cross my face at her response.
Next I know was my bed moving and my cannula being pulled at in my arm as someone hadn't kept pace with the drip attached to it. I heard 'severe hemorrhage - room 1' booming out over the internal intercom and thinking 'I'm in room 1!!!!' It dawned on me I was in trouble and I recall thinking 'please, my babies, please let me be ok'.
I recall the bright theatre light, the bustle of activity and voices, being slid across the bed and onto the theatre bed, the anaesthetist who had put in my epidural told me to sit up as a spinal was inserted into my spine. As he was doing that, a nurse asked what jewellery I had on as she taped them all. Soon I lost feeling in my lower half and was laid down, my arms being put out either side of me (for IV access and monitoring) and telling someone I felt sick. I remember the smell of the silicone from the oxygen mask and telling myself not to sniff it or I would vomit and panicking because I was on my back, that I would then choke. Someone put something in my IV and I started to feel the nausea wane thankfully but a scratchy cardboard sick bowl put beside my head. I remember seeing my legs being put into boot type stirrups, I had no feeling so it didn't seem that they could be mine but I knew they were and I recall seeing a Dr between my legs and then my eyes closed, I was so tired and of course in shock and losing a lot of blood I now know.
I've no idea of time frames but the next thing I can recall is feeling a strong hand in mine and opening my eyes just enough to see a different face and thinking that that was the face and hand of a person who knew what they were doing. I was shaking violently and remembering thinking was I cold but not feeling cold. Someone told someone else to get a bear blanket (it's a hot air blanket I later found out!) More voices, I couldn't keep my eyes open but I could hear them talking about not being able to get a BP reading due to my shaking and talk of them waiting on blood for me but that because they found an antibody they had to wait longer than anticipated. I heard someone suggest an arterial line and felt the pain but not really caring, as they jabbed another needle into my arms. As the warm air circulated around my body from the heating blanket, I relaxed a little and drifted off again. Next thing I heard was someone saying I needed to go to High Dependency and I freaked at that point in my head as that never means good things.
Soon my bed was on the move and I saw the familiar surrounding of my delivery room. I couldn't open my eyes but I heard my IF ask me if I was ok and felt him stroking my hair. I nodded and that was all I could manage. No idea of time or anything but I know a midwife periodically asked me if I was ok, I heard the machines beeping and random voices, an oxygen mask was placed over my face again as my respiratory rate hit 6 and the midwife called the consultant for advice and I drifted in and out of consciousness.
I do vividly remember the midwife asking my IFs if someone had told my husband, B said he had but it was a delicate balancing act of telling him what was going on but at that point not knowing what the problem actually was, giving him inaccurate information too.
I don't know what time it was but I can next remember opening my eyes and seeing Fin in an incubator, having photo-therapy and blue under the lights. I couldn't of known why at that point but it didn't strike me as odd, I think I was just too disorientated to question it.
Over the next few hours, I became more aware of my surroundings. I discovered our new lovely midwife was called Liz, Liz was the lady who had held my hand with such confidence in theatre. I learnt that I had had a cervical tear that needed stitching in theatre, I had lost 1.8L of blood and so had had a severe post-partum hemorrhage and that I had antibodies in my blood that meant I had needed a special type of blood and Fin was having photo-therapy because it had caused him jaundice and a high billirubin level. I continued to receive IV meds and blood - in total I had 3 litres. I also had a balloon left in my uterus, to help it clot and the bleeding stop. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck but it was surreal and like it had happened to someone else - just didn't compute I'd been through all of that when everything had gone so well at the birth.
I was very scared when time came to take the balloon out of my uterus later that day and I asked Liz what would happen if I was still bleeding and she said not to worry because if I had been bleeding still and the balloon hadn't of done it's job then we'd of known by now. That was logical to me and so helped calm my fears a little but it wasn't until that balloon was removed and the Dr confirmed it had worked that I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Drs came in every so often, they would check my blood loss, talk about how I felt and suggest treatments. They asked me if I was ok and understood what had happened and couldn't believe how calm I had been and was about all that had happened - as I said to them, when you're in that situation, panicking doesn't help. I also think I was so ill that I wasn't fully with it and that's why I didn't freak out.
They said they expected me to stay in HDU for at least that night incase I needed to go back to theatre urgently but that if all went well, we'd then go to a ward. My IFs took such good care of me, they encouraged me to try to eat and drink, a day later to shower and even emptied my catheter bag. Love, love right there! I watched them caring for their baby, I remember thinking how wonderful they were despite knowing they had been through hell too. My IF took some amazing photos during this time, photos that I resented him taking at the time because I hate having my picture taken but now that I look back upon gratefully because they help piece together events that I have no other memory of ever happening. We had a lovely time with our midwife, she was so nice and we all talked a lot and even laughed too. Jo came back on shift that night and was my midwife for the night, it was nice to see her again and debrief in a way. She told me that she had gone home mulling events over, she said that she doesn't know what made her check me internally post-delivery, just a hunch she said. Thank god for her hunch because it could ultimately of saved my life. If I'd of gone to the ward and no-one of noticed for a few hours....
We remained in HDU overnight, I didn't sleep well because I had these air boots on my feet and legs to help prevent DVTs, I was unable to have my usual blood thinning injection to prevent them due to the risk of starting my bleeding up again but these boots made a whooshing noise as they inflated and deflated and made my legs move on their own which wasn't condusive to sleep! As soon as I could, I asked to have them removed. LOL.
Fin had lots of blood tests throughout our stay on Delivery, monitoring his billirubin levels. Unfortunately for him, one lot was lost and another clotted before it could be tested so he had more needle jabs than he should of had. I felt my IFs upset when they heard that more blood was needed, poor Fin's heels were all taped up by the end of the stay and so bruised. :( But worth it when we were told he didn't need to go back under lights, he wasn't happy being put in his little incubator and would wake himself flailing around in there. However they did say that he would still need more blood tests to ensure his levels were going down satisfactorily but still one small step forward was welcomed!
On the Monday, the drs said I was stable enough to go to the ward. We were all pleased as it meant I was out of danger and that we were a step closer to going home but all of us were sad to leave behind our fab midwife, Liz and all the rest of the staff on Delivery Suite. I treasure the photos we have of Liz and us together, she was a fantastic comfort to us all.
It wasn't until late that night we got a room upstairs, Liz worked all afternoon to ensure a room became available and we weren't faced with the situation of me having to look after Fin alone overnight and the guys being kicked out. So grateful when she came in all smiled and said we had one and would soon be going upstairs!
.........
Tuesday 4 March 2014
Where to Start?
Let me preface this post by saying a lot happened, a lot of which I can't remember but I'm going to give it my best shot. If you're familiar with my other blog then you'll know my birth story posts are mammoth and this will certainly be no different and so I apologise now but I find it therapeutic and important to get it all down.
So, we had a routine antenatal appt on the Tuesday and I had been feeling pretty crappy, which I had mentioned in my previous post but that nothing unusual had been found at earlier appts so it was just general end-of-pregnancy nastiness at that point. Well, as I said it hadn't got any better and infact I felt worse generally and at that appointment the midwife found my BP was high (152/82 and 148/92) and also +1 protein in my urine but thought that could be a UTI as I was symptomatic so she sent it off for testing. She didn't seem too concerned to be honest, I did detect a raised eyebrow but no panic and instead of seeing me the following week which was what I'd anticipated, she asked to see me the Friday to re-check everything and I knew that that wasn't a particularly good sign but trusted her judgement, as I always have done and she's steered me right through 4 out of 5 pregnancies now.
Thursday I had gone to bed with a slight headache and a strange pain in my upper right hand side. Now, I admit to thinking 'hmm, that could be something (pre-e)' but I suffer a lot of abdo pain generally and certainly worse with a baby who liked to tap dance all over my insides so I brushed it off but it did hurt and felt different.
Anyway, so early hours of Friday morning, I woke to use the bathroom and had a cracking headache, which given the fact I was 38 weeks pregnant and the kids were off on half-term from school and that I wasn't sleeping particularly great, didn't concern me too much....until I noticed I had visual disturbances too. Now, I had a migraine in my previous pregnancy at exactly 38 weeks weirdly enough and so I thought it was simply the same spooky coincidence but it did scare me so I woke my husband for some moral support more than anything and laid back down after taking some tablets and the visual thing did stop shortly after so I attempted to sleep the headache off. When I woke at 11am (unusual for me), I still had the lingering headache and my IFs were concerned and we spoke to the midwife office and asked if I should keep the 4pm appt with the midwife or call someone else and was told to call Day Assessment at the hospital so that's what I did. They of course asked me immediately to come in, IFs were already on their way before that phone call because they felt something wasn't right anyway and were coming down for the planned midwife appt anyway. I have to be honest and say I wasn't overly concerned at this point, I was used to having headaches on and off and my BP had been fine up until that last appt before that day. I thought my IFs were being over-cautious but understood why completely, I however was chilled and probably irritated that with a bloody headache and having to leave my husband and 3 children to their own devices for what I thought would be an unnecessary waste of a couple of hours of my time to sit at the hospital and then told it was all fine and to go home.
I arrived first at the hospital at about 1pm and kissed my husband and kids off and said I'd see them later. In Day Assessment they took me straight through and ran through my history and took my BP (150/92), it was high but not scary high. I was asked to do a sample and that showed +2 of protein, +1 leukocytes, +1 ketones, 1+ glucose and was + for nitrates, basically the whole shebang! LOL. Soon after my IFs arrived, I could see the look of concern on their faces so I tried to make light of it. They said I looked hot and tired, I felt both and still had the headache lingering.They took bloods for testing for pre-eclampsia and hooked me up to the monitor to see what baby was doing because I did feel his movements had slowed from his normal pattern but that question is always difficult to answer because babies all move differently and given I had had a bad night and felt rubbish, I knew that this can affect baby too. Once on the monitor they picked up his heartrate and he was moving, not much but enough that they weren't concerned but they did note insufficient heart accelerations with each movement so kept me on it for far longer than they would normally of. My poor IFs took it in turns to hold the heart rate part of the monitor on my tum, to save my poor fingers from doing all the work. It was so super sweet to see my IFs determined to keep that thing where it needed to be, despite the fact they must of felt so much pain in their fingers from pressing that thing in for so long and at just the right angle! My BP was checked more times (148/88 and 130/98) and was high still but not scary high at this point but they were concerned because it was all over the place, the top and the bottom numbers fluctuating up and down. After a while, they took us through for a scan of the placenta and of the fluid, it was a lovely what was to be (unbeknown to us at that point) final look at baby in utero. All seemed to be fine and there was no concern there.
When we went back, I was put back on the monitor and finally baby played ball and they were satisfied with the read-out. However, I saw a dr and she wasn't quite so happy with the whole picture, she felt I was sliding into pre-eclampsia and said I had to stay in for at least 24 hours of BP and urine monitoring (which didn't happen because they don't do it on a weekend) and by then the blood results would be back also. I still felt that perhaps this was a bit of an over-reaction but really I was just desperate to get home, if you know me, you know I hate being away from my children and home and I'd been admitted before and it all turned out to be a false alarm in a previous pregnancy. When I asked the Dr if, if the bloods came back ok that evening, I could go home, she said no because it still presented like pre-eclampsia starting so that was that - I was told I would be going to a ward and if my BP went over 160/100 at any point, I'd be started on BP meds. I heard the Dr on the phone to her supervisor and then she came back and said that they wanted me to start on meds asap actually and I would be reviewed in the morning and a plan made. My IF asked why they couldn't just induce me and the midwife explained it was better that baby stay in still rather than force him out because I was still relatively well and of course they weren't 100% sure it was pre-eclampsia at that point but that she agreed it was definitely something to discuss with the Drs in the morning.
It was then that I realised things were getting very real and a little scary...
Bloods came back, incase anyone is interested:
Creatine: 72
Urea: 4.4
Uric acid: 404
Ketones: 4.1
Bilirubin: 6
Alk Phos: 204
ALT: 12
Protein: 63
WBC: 9.32
Na: 138
Hb: 108
Platelets: 266
We were moved to the ward around 8pm and settled in, IF and I trying to make light of the situation but all the while acutely aware that things didn't look good. My BP was taken (140/78) and I was given some BP meds and all was calm, I was aware of my headache starting to niggle away again despite it disappearing after some earlier paracetamol but we talked about how long my IFs could stay (they weren't able to stay overnight on the antenatal ward, there was no arrangements made for that) and that one of them needed to go and get my hospital bag from home etc and so B left. I was happily sat on the bed contemplating my night alone and suddenly I was aware that the visual disturbances from the previous night seemed to of begun again but worse. I also started to feel more of a headache and also severe heartburn (reflux) but thought it was just a reaction perhaps to the meds or another migraine so I laid down and closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing but it was no use, I was plain scared so I asked my remaining IF to get the midwife for me and within minutes of telling her that, she took my BP and it was 179/92, just 15 minutes after taking my tablets so I assumed a reaction to that had caused what I was experiencing and the doctor came to see me within 10 minutes and I had a full work-up of examinations - sight tests, reflex tests (from my notes, I see they weren't quite right), and was asked more questions again. She said to stop my medication as I shouldn't of had it anyway as I was asthmatic! So, by this point I was then sure it was just a reaction to them.
I was told they would try another med, my BP was at that point 140/90 and see in half an hour after that what my BP was like. The Dr also said I would be induced because things were starting to get out of control. She was unsure if that would be using a pessary on the ward or whether it would straight to Delivery Suite to break my waters but that would depend on a) space on Delivery and b) if a vaginal examination showed I was favourable for induction.
My poor remaining IF must of been out of his mind with worry at this point, his partner had left mere minutes earlier thinking I would be spending the night on the ward just chilling and now I was waiting to basically be induced. He told me he text him and said forget stopping anywhere (he had been planning to get oil for his car and stop at the shop to pick up supplies for me) and to come back.
Whilst waiting for the examination, I had to go to the toilet and because I couldn't see anything of much, I almost knocked myself out by walking into the overhead bedside entertainment unit but my lovely IF had hold of my arm and was walking me to the bathroom and steered me clear. A concussion was not something else we needed to be dealing with! I remember laying down on the bed, eyes closed, trying not to panic and asking my IF for his hand to hold, I think he knew at that point how vulnerable I was feeling and our mantra of 'we won't panic until surro mama panics' was now in surro mama panic mode.
My other IF came into the ward and was brought up to date re: examination, different meds and induction and whilst we were waiting I suddenly started to cry and asked him for a hug and just sobbed. He was so calming, telling me I was just tired and it would all be ok. I recall drifting off to sleep with him sat next to me, stroking my hair.
BP check half an hour later and it was at its highest point: 158/102. It was examination time, both my IFs said they would step out but I told them they were welcome to stay...one did, the other didn't want to crowd around inside the curtain so sat outside. I was so warmed to have them so involved already and unwilling to let me go through anything on my own, I was surprised at which IF said he would stay because he's always been the more squeamish one but he sat by my bed, holding my hand as I squirmed uncomfortably through the VE, which revealed I was already 2cms (thank you Braxton Hicks for helping with that!) and 'easy to ARM' (artificially rupture membranes). She also gave me a mighty uncomfy stretch and sweep of my membranes to help things along. Boo to that part and ouch but yay for ARM! I did not want to be induced with pessaries because it can be long and drawn out and I would be on the ward by myself I thought but actually, we were told if I was being induced then Daddies would be able to stay so I knew that not only would I not be alone at all from that point onwards but that my waters would be broken which would be done in Delivery, which meant one-on-one care AND I knew it would be a fast labour once they did that. I was relieved to say the least, finally something going our way. It was weird to say to my IFs that they would be meeting their baby within hours!
The midwife said they were just waiting for space on Delivery but either way I'd be started on Magnesium Sulfate, which stops seizures which are a huge concern when pre-eclamptic and at the level I was climbing but that it had to be administered with facilities nearby as it can cause all sorts of effects but since I needed it badly, if there was no space downstairs then a Dr would come and sit with me whilst it was running to ensure I was safe. That was another scary moment of realisation, that things were very serious. I text my hubby and my best friend, also posting a little update on a thread that had already been started on my FB group about what was happening, although saying the words 'he's on his way' were unreal still.
Thankfully my headache had begun to ease a little and the visual disturbances too, which I was glad of, they scare me even when it's migraine related. BP was now 156/94, then 105/100 half an hour later. Next one was 156/ 96. No, the meds were not stabilising it at all. :(
..........
Birth story to follow soon.
So, we had a routine antenatal appt on the Tuesday and I had been feeling pretty crappy, which I had mentioned in my previous post but that nothing unusual had been found at earlier appts so it was just general end-of-pregnancy nastiness at that point. Well, as I said it hadn't got any better and infact I felt worse generally and at that appointment the midwife found my BP was high (152/82 and 148/92) and also +1 protein in my urine but thought that could be a UTI as I was symptomatic so she sent it off for testing. She didn't seem too concerned to be honest, I did detect a raised eyebrow but no panic and instead of seeing me the following week which was what I'd anticipated, she asked to see me the Friday to re-check everything and I knew that that wasn't a particularly good sign but trusted her judgement, as I always have done and she's steered me right through 4 out of 5 pregnancies now.
Thursday I had gone to bed with a slight headache and a strange pain in my upper right hand side. Now, I admit to thinking 'hmm, that could be something (pre-e)' but I suffer a lot of abdo pain generally and certainly worse with a baby who liked to tap dance all over my insides so I brushed it off but it did hurt and felt different.
Anyway, so early hours of Friday morning, I woke to use the bathroom and had a cracking headache, which given the fact I was 38 weeks pregnant and the kids were off on half-term from school and that I wasn't sleeping particularly great, didn't concern me too much....until I noticed I had visual disturbances too. Now, I had a migraine in my previous pregnancy at exactly 38 weeks weirdly enough and so I thought it was simply the same spooky coincidence but it did scare me so I woke my husband for some moral support more than anything and laid back down after taking some tablets and the visual thing did stop shortly after so I attempted to sleep the headache off. When I woke at 11am (unusual for me), I still had the lingering headache and my IFs were concerned and we spoke to the midwife office and asked if I should keep the 4pm appt with the midwife or call someone else and was told to call Day Assessment at the hospital so that's what I did. They of course asked me immediately to come in, IFs were already on their way before that phone call because they felt something wasn't right anyway and were coming down for the planned midwife appt anyway. I have to be honest and say I wasn't overly concerned at this point, I was used to having headaches on and off and my BP had been fine up until that last appt before that day. I thought my IFs were being over-cautious but understood why completely, I however was chilled and probably irritated that with a bloody headache and having to leave my husband and 3 children to their own devices for what I thought would be an unnecessary waste of a couple of hours of my time to sit at the hospital and then told it was all fine and to go home.
I arrived first at the hospital at about 1pm and kissed my husband and kids off and said I'd see them later. In Day Assessment they took me straight through and ran through my history and took my BP (150/92), it was high but not scary high. I was asked to do a sample and that showed +2 of protein, +1 leukocytes, +1 ketones, 1+ glucose and was + for nitrates, basically the whole shebang! LOL. Soon after my IFs arrived, I could see the look of concern on their faces so I tried to make light of it. They said I looked hot and tired, I felt both and still had the headache lingering.They took bloods for testing for pre-eclampsia and hooked me up to the monitor to see what baby was doing because I did feel his movements had slowed from his normal pattern but that question is always difficult to answer because babies all move differently and given I had had a bad night and felt rubbish, I knew that this can affect baby too. Once on the monitor they picked up his heartrate and he was moving, not much but enough that they weren't concerned but they did note insufficient heart accelerations with each movement so kept me on it for far longer than they would normally of. My poor IFs took it in turns to hold the heart rate part of the monitor on my tum, to save my poor fingers from doing all the work. It was so super sweet to see my IFs determined to keep that thing where it needed to be, despite the fact they must of felt so much pain in their fingers from pressing that thing in for so long and at just the right angle! My BP was checked more times (148/88 and 130/98) and was high still but not scary high at this point but they were concerned because it was all over the place, the top and the bottom numbers fluctuating up and down. After a while, they took us through for a scan of the placenta and of the fluid, it was a lovely what was to be (unbeknown to us at that point) final look at baby in utero. All seemed to be fine and there was no concern there.
When we went back, I was put back on the monitor and finally baby played ball and they were satisfied with the read-out. However, I saw a dr and she wasn't quite so happy with the whole picture, she felt I was sliding into pre-eclampsia and said I had to stay in for at least 24 hours of BP and urine monitoring (which didn't happen because they don't do it on a weekend) and by then the blood results would be back also. I still felt that perhaps this was a bit of an over-reaction but really I was just desperate to get home, if you know me, you know I hate being away from my children and home and I'd been admitted before and it all turned out to be a false alarm in a previous pregnancy. When I asked the Dr if, if the bloods came back ok that evening, I could go home, she said no because it still presented like pre-eclampsia starting so that was that - I was told I would be going to a ward and if my BP went over 160/100 at any point, I'd be started on BP meds. I heard the Dr on the phone to her supervisor and then she came back and said that they wanted me to start on meds asap actually and I would be reviewed in the morning and a plan made. My IF asked why they couldn't just induce me and the midwife explained it was better that baby stay in still rather than force him out because I was still relatively well and of course they weren't 100% sure it was pre-eclampsia at that point but that she agreed it was definitely something to discuss with the Drs in the morning.
It was then that I realised things were getting very real and a little scary...
Bloods came back, incase anyone is interested:
Creatine: 72
Urea: 4.4
Uric acid: 404
Ketones: 4.1
Bilirubin: 6
Alk Phos: 204
ALT: 12
Protein: 63
WBC: 9.32
Na: 138
Hb: 108
Platelets: 266
We were moved to the ward around 8pm and settled in, IF and I trying to make light of the situation but all the while acutely aware that things didn't look good. My BP was taken (140/78) and I was given some BP meds and all was calm, I was aware of my headache starting to niggle away again despite it disappearing after some earlier paracetamol but we talked about how long my IFs could stay (they weren't able to stay overnight on the antenatal ward, there was no arrangements made for that) and that one of them needed to go and get my hospital bag from home etc and so B left. I was happily sat on the bed contemplating my night alone and suddenly I was aware that the visual disturbances from the previous night seemed to of begun again but worse. I also started to feel more of a headache and also severe heartburn (reflux) but thought it was just a reaction perhaps to the meds or another migraine so I laid down and closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing but it was no use, I was plain scared so I asked my remaining IF to get the midwife for me and within minutes of telling her that, she took my BP and it was 179/92, just 15 minutes after taking my tablets so I assumed a reaction to that had caused what I was experiencing and the doctor came to see me within 10 minutes and I had a full work-up of examinations - sight tests, reflex tests (from my notes, I see they weren't quite right), and was asked more questions again. She said to stop my medication as I shouldn't of had it anyway as I was asthmatic! So, by this point I was then sure it was just a reaction to them.
I was told they would try another med, my BP was at that point 140/90 and see in half an hour after that what my BP was like. The Dr also said I would be induced because things were starting to get out of control. She was unsure if that would be using a pessary on the ward or whether it would straight to Delivery Suite to break my waters but that would depend on a) space on Delivery and b) if a vaginal examination showed I was favourable for induction.
My poor remaining IF must of been out of his mind with worry at this point, his partner had left mere minutes earlier thinking I would be spending the night on the ward just chilling and now I was waiting to basically be induced. He told me he text him and said forget stopping anywhere (he had been planning to get oil for his car and stop at the shop to pick up supplies for me) and to come back.
Whilst waiting for the examination, I had to go to the toilet and because I couldn't see anything of much, I almost knocked myself out by walking into the overhead bedside entertainment unit but my lovely IF had hold of my arm and was walking me to the bathroom and steered me clear. A concussion was not something else we needed to be dealing with! I remember laying down on the bed, eyes closed, trying not to panic and asking my IF for his hand to hold, I think he knew at that point how vulnerable I was feeling and our mantra of 'we won't panic until surro mama panics' was now in surro mama panic mode.
My other IF came into the ward and was brought up to date re: examination, different meds and induction and whilst we were waiting I suddenly started to cry and asked him for a hug and just sobbed. He was so calming, telling me I was just tired and it would all be ok. I recall drifting off to sleep with him sat next to me, stroking my hair.
BP check half an hour later and it was at its highest point: 158/102. It was examination time, both my IFs said they would step out but I told them they were welcome to stay...one did, the other didn't want to crowd around inside the curtain so sat outside. I was so warmed to have them so involved already and unwilling to let me go through anything on my own, I was surprised at which IF said he would stay because he's always been the more squeamish one but he sat by my bed, holding my hand as I squirmed uncomfortably through the VE, which revealed I was already 2cms (thank you Braxton Hicks for helping with that!) and 'easy to ARM' (artificially rupture membranes). She also gave me a mighty uncomfy stretch and sweep of my membranes to help things along. Boo to that part and ouch but yay for ARM! I did not want to be induced with pessaries because it can be long and drawn out and I would be on the ward by myself I thought but actually, we were told if I was being induced then Daddies would be able to stay so I knew that not only would I not be alone at all from that point onwards but that my waters would be broken which would be done in Delivery, which meant one-on-one care AND I knew it would be a fast labour once they did that. I was relieved to say the least, finally something going our way. It was weird to say to my IFs that they would be meeting their baby within hours!
The midwife said they were just waiting for space on Delivery but either way I'd be started on Magnesium Sulfate, which stops seizures which are a huge concern when pre-eclamptic and at the level I was climbing but that it had to be administered with facilities nearby as it can cause all sorts of effects but since I needed it badly, if there was no space downstairs then a Dr would come and sit with me whilst it was running to ensure I was safe. That was another scary moment of realisation, that things were very serious. I text my hubby and my best friend, also posting a little update on a thread that had already been started on my FB group about what was happening, although saying the words 'he's on his way' were unreal still.
Thankfully my headache had begun to ease a little and the visual disturbances too, which I was glad of, they scare me even when it's migraine related. BP was now 156/94, then 105/100 half an hour later. Next one was 156/ 96. No, the meds were not stabilising it at all. :(
..........
Birth story to follow soon.
Absence and Apologies
I'm sorry that it's been so long since I was here but when you hear what's happened then the reason will become clear.
First off, let me announce the (dramatic) arrival of baby Finley who was born on 22nd February, at 6:08am and weighing in as my smallest birthed baby at 7lbs 1oz!
He is perfect in every single way and Daddies are utterly smitten with their firstborn and settling in well to having their world turned upside down by this little dude!
I'm going to post this and attempt to write my birth story but it is epic so it may not be up for a few days yet so bear with me please.
First off, let me announce the (dramatic) arrival of baby Finley who was born on 22nd February, at 6:08am and weighing in as my smallest birthed baby at 7lbs 1oz!
He is perfect in every single way and Daddies are utterly smitten with their firstborn and settling in well to having their world turned upside down by this little dude!
I'm going to post this and attempt to write my birth story but it is epic so it may not be up for a few days yet so bear with me please.
Wednesday 12 February 2014
Things Are Afoot!
No idea when the moment things will really kick off will be of course (damn there being no crystal ball!) but yes, felt very uncomfortable with what I believe were contractions for a good 15 hours or so last night and still niggling now.
I suddenly at 4pm last night felt intense pressure in my back and around the front of my tummy, low period type pains and something just told me that this was contractions. I have been having more intense braxton hicks but they feel completely different to me than these pains. I just knew, as those of you who've had contractions before will understand.
I had a very fitful nights sleep, I just felt disorientated and couldn't settle at all - it wasn't even the pains that kept me awake but the headache I've been nursing for a few days now, severe nausea, high temperature, swollen hands and feeling very out of breath. Just unwell to put it plainly.
This morning we had our routine midwife appointment and thankfully my wee is clear and my BP is fine so it's not anything like pre-eclampsia which is of course my first thought with those symptoms. Heartrate was fine, baby still 3/5 engaged and my midwife felt a contraction as she was palpating my uterus and said that she thinks things are moving along but whether that means tomorrow, next week or 3 weeks time she obviously can't say.
She advised me to drink more and rest more, with half-term coming up I have like 2 days left to put my feet up before kid chaos begins for 10 days so that's my plan for tomorrow and Friday - feet up, chilling and seeing what happens. Or doesn't!
Due to see my midwife again this time next week, unless something happens so as usual it's a 'watch this space!' ending.
I suddenly at 4pm last night felt intense pressure in my back and around the front of my tummy, low period type pains and something just told me that this was contractions. I have been having more intense braxton hicks but they feel completely different to me than these pains. I just knew, as those of you who've had contractions before will understand.
I had a very fitful nights sleep, I just felt disorientated and couldn't settle at all - it wasn't even the pains that kept me awake but the headache I've been nursing for a few days now, severe nausea, high temperature, swollen hands and feeling very out of breath. Just unwell to put it plainly.
This morning we had our routine midwife appointment and thankfully my wee is clear and my BP is fine so it's not anything like pre-eclampsia which is of course my first thought with those symptoms. Heartrate was fine, baby still 3/5 engaged and my midwife felt a contraction as she was palpating my uterus and said that she thinks things are moving along but whether that means tomorrow, next week or 3 weeks time she obviously can't say.
She advised me to drink more and rest more, with half-term coming up I have like 2 days left to put my feet up before kid chaos begins for 10 days so that's my plan for tomorrow and Friday - feet up, chilling and seeing what happens. Or doesn't!
Due to see my midwife again this time next week, unless something happens so as usual it's a 'watch this space!' ending.
Thursday 6 February 2014
Antenatal Antics
We are now 36w+1 and had a very busy day baby wise today. First we started off with our antenatal class with my community midwife, I was very much looking forward to this despite having done the class a few times now! LOL.
Only one of my IPs could make it because the other one was at a business trade fair and he couldn't get out of it no matter how hard he tried and he really did but there was no other option so it was me and the other partner in crime who went.
I like the class because it gives my IPs that bit more information than they may of gleaned from the internet and various baby books and it's taught by a very experienced midwife too who makes you feel safe that the knowledge she is sharing is to the point and what you really need to know and not just some waffle. It does make me laugh a little to look at the faces of the first time parents, they look a little like a rabbit caught in headlights at the information regarding cervical dilation and needles in the back...
After class, we went for a spot of lunch and had a lovely time just spent chatting and catching up with one another. It's often difficult to have proper conversations when you meet up briefly for a midwife appt or a hospital scan so to just have a couple of hours downtime to talk is really nice!
Back to the midwife we went for a routine check up - baby is all fine, BP fine, urine clear, measuring spot on for fundal height, heartrate fine and baby is head down and 3/5 engaged at this point so 'firmly locked in' according to the midwife. She said that she thinks this baby may be on the larger side of normal and quoted a guestimate of 8 to 8 1/2 lbs, whereas all but one of my previous babies have been around 7 1/2lbs. I think this is based on the larger than expected tummy measurement at my last scan but she reassured both my IP and I that it's still perfectly normal and won't get stuck during delivery. LOL.
Oh and urine that the consultant sent off came back clear so I didn't have a UTI or I did and it just didn't grow as expected in the lab and therefore was flagged as negative but either way, I feel better and no symptoms any longer so it's all good.
I should mention that I had an impromptu visit shortly after that consultant appt to my midwife due to sudden swelling of my hands, tummy pains and feeling generally hot and not quite right but thankfully my urine was clear and my BP was fine so we put it down to one of those things.
Next due back for another appt with her next week, I'm now on weekly appointments at the request of the consultant due to previous high blood pressure so things will really step up now as the countdown until birth day draws closer. Now we just sit patiently and await this little man to make his appearance when he's ready!
I feel very pregnant now, I'm waddling and everything hurts. This baby moves more than any baby I've carried before and I feel every single wriggle and squirm in a painful way, rather than just uncomfortable but it's comforting to know he's strong, happy and healthy enough to do it so I try not to complain too much about it - unless it's 2am and I've had enough and just want to sleep!
I suppose unless anything happens between now and my next appt, I'll be back next week with the next update. Wonder when things will kick off - incase you're reading and not familiar with my previous pregnancies, I've delivered at 38 weeks, 40+6, 40+10 and 40+8 so odds are this one will be overdue too but of course you can't judge that so we'll see when he decides to say hello!
Only one of my IPs could make it because the other one was at a business trade fair and he couldn't get out of it no matter how hard he tried and he really did but there was no other option so it was me and the other partner in crime who went.
I like the class because it gives my IPs that bit more information than they may of gleaned from the internet and various baby books and it's taught by a very experienced midwife too who makes you feel safe that the knowledge she is sharing is to the point and what you really need to know and not just some waffle. It does make me laugh a little to look at the faces of the first time parents, they look a little like a rabbit caught in headlights at the information regarding cervical dilation and needles in the back...
After class, we went for a spot of lunch and had a lovely time just spent chatting and catching up with one another. It's often difficult to have proper conversations when you meet up briefly for a midwife appt or a hospital scan so to just have a couple of hours downtime to talk is really nice!
Back to the midwife we went for a routine check up - baby is all fine, BP fine, urine clear, measuring spot on for fundal height, heartrate fine and baby is head down and 3/5 engaged at this point so 'firmly locked in' according to the midwife. She said that she thinks this baby may be on the larger side of normal and quoted a guestimate of 8 to 8 1/2 lbs, whereas all but one of my previous babies have been around 7 1/2lbs. I think this is based on the larger than expected tummy measurement at my last scan but she reassured both my IP and I that it's still perfectly normal and won't get stuck during delivery. LOL.
Oh and urine that the consultant sent off came back clear so I didn't have a UTI or I did and it just didn't grow as expected in the lab and therefore was flagged as negative but either way, I feel better and no symptoms any longer so it's all good.
I should mention that I had an impromptu visit shortly after that consultant appt to my midwife due to sudden swelling of my hands, tummy pains and feeling generally hot and not quite right but thankfully my urine was clear and my BP was fine so we put it down to one of those things.
Next due back for another appt with her next week, I'm now on weekly appointments at the request of the consultant due to previous high blood pressure so things will really step up now as the countdown until birth day draws closer. Now we just sit patiently and await this little man to make his appearance when he's ready!
I feel very pregnant now, I'm waddling and everything hurts. This baby moves more than any baby I've carried before and I feel every single wriggle and squirm in a painful way, rather than just uncomfortable but it's comforting to know he's strong, happy and healthy enough to do it so I try not to complain too much about it - unless it's 2am and I've had enough and just want to sleep!
I suppose unless anything happens between now and my next appt, I'll be back next week with the next update. Wonder when things will kick off - incase you're reading and not familiar with my previous pregnancies, I've delivered at 38 weeks, 40+6, 40+10 and 40+8 so odds are this one will be overdue too but of course you can't judge that so we'll see when he decides to say hello!
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