Nasty Nausea

As if spotting wasn't bad enough, I had my first experience of severe nausea. I'm phobic about vomiting (emetophobia, to give it its correct term) and have prescribed medication always to hand to stop me actually being sick. Only trouble is those meds, like most, are not safe during pregnancy. :(

Thankfully I have the meds prescribed to me during my last pregnancy and know they work and so took them instead. It was a rocky hour and a half until they kicked in but I am feeling much better now. I have my anti-sickness accupressure bands on and they seem to be helping a bit too.

It means at least there is a healthy bean (or 2!) in there I suppose.

Nothing further to report with regards to the spotting, which is a relief. What a flipping day though!

Try Not To Panic!

Putting it here to keep myself from worrying...

Found 3 very very small spots of blood when I used the bathroom earlier. They were teeny tiny but the fact remains that there was blood, I'm obviously hoping it's come from other areas down there but can't know that. Add in that I am cramping and of course I'm a bit nervous.

It's a watch and wait thing, I can't do anything because I'm too early for a scan and my local Early Pregnancy Clinic would only take bloods to see if my hormones were rising and infact, that wouldn't happen until Monday as they were only open until 11am anyway, unless it were a true emergency. Besides, what good would going do? They can't tell me it's all going to be ok, even with a perfect scan and great blood results, it guarantees nothing.

I'm positive that it will be fine, I even had spotting with all 4 previous pregnancies and all was fine in the end, and so it will be this time also.

Deep breaths...My good friend R is talking me down, I would truly be lost without her.

Successful BBT Chart

I decided to keep up with charting my temp, even though I knew it may throw me off because of the meds I'm on and the fact it's not a natural cycle but surprisingly, it was pretty accurate and interesting to watch unfold.

Anxieties

It is amazing how quickly the nerves set in once pregnant. I recall being this anxious with my first surrogate baby but the intensity of my fears feels stronger this time around. I think perhaps because of the time and effort put in to make a gestational baby is a bit more.

Nothing to base my worries on, just the usual first trimester ones. My hpt addiction is a little over the top currently but if it keeps me calmer for even a day then it is worth it.
 

Hpts are a nightmare though, so many choices and so much variation in quality. I had a bumper pack of 30 cheap Internet dipstick type tests and every one has been faint or almost non-existent. I even compared a First Response Early Result test (which is the most recommended one by almost everyone who ever peed on a plastic stick) and the cheap dipstick was shown up as even more rubbish when I put it next to my blaring positive First Response test.

I had to try the Clearblue Digital tests, with conception indicator. All ladies who are ttc love those as they flash up approx. how many weeks past conception you are - based on your hormone levels. Only one problem, all pregnancies develop differently and hormone levels can fluctuate so much one day to the next and this can affect the resulting reading on a Clearblue Digital test.

I took my first one at 9dpo and got a 1-2 weeks result and then on 12dpo, I took another and was disappointed to still see a 1-2 weeks pop up. Dumb when you think that it is completely correct, I know I am only 7 days past fertilisation so of course 1-2 week is correct but in my hormonally anxious mind, I couldn't stop thinking anything other than this meant bad news - it wasn't increasing as I had hoped it would. Thankfully my very good (and sane!) friend, R, who had a similar encounter with these tests talked me down and I am somewhat calmer this evening. I will just be happy when we get that first scan done and see a heartbeat, or perhaps 2!?

Daddies-to-be are as thrilled as ever and it is only now beginning to sink in. It well and truly hit me when I woke this morning almost dry heaving, yep, I am having a baby alright!

Words Don't Lie!

Look What We Have!

I had an inclination we may of hit the jackpot a few days ago, the cramps, heightened sense of smell, the way I kept waking up on my back and the nausea all clued me in but I didn't dare believe that perhaps we could be so lucky as to have it work first time!

The guys had said that they wanted to wait until 10 days past transfer for me to test - that way they would know the result was true. I was always going to test today and they knew that but I think them realising last night that my testing day was today and I may know one way or another swayed them and they asked to find out too.

They actually went on holiday to Greece today, it is the last time off they have together until Christmas and after the whirlwind past week, they both felt they needed some downtime and so I was to test and they would call this afternoon for the news.

Early afternoon and the call came, I could barely contain myself all morning after the test showed +++ in the early hours but I did and when I delivered the good news, there was not a dry eye. I have never heard a more shocked or excited response and it makes me grin just recalling it! Love this part of surrogacy so so much.

We are all still in a state of shock this evening but it is so fantastic. Who would of imagined that we could get so lucky as to fall pregnant first time around but it does soothe some of the feelings I carry from the length of time it took to get pregnant with my traditional surrogacy baby.

The tests are dark for this early in my pregnancy - twins? Maybe, I guess we will tell in time but something makes me think so. My tests with twins last time weren't this dark this early so I do wonder. Whatever the outcome, we are basking in this moment and enjoying the here and now. We're pregnant!

Trip Tales

Here I am, home safe and ready to update. It may be a bit short because my laptop got accidentally broken and so I'm typing on a tiny phone screen.

Anyway, so I'm now 2dp5dt (2 days past a 5 day transfer).

We had a good enough flight out and the hotel was surprisingly lovely, definitely a nice base for us. It was central and we enjoyed the air-conditioning particularly, given it hit almost 40 Celsius for almost our entire stay.

We didn't have an embryo update for day 4, they tend not to tell you as nothing really changes and anyway we decided that we didn't want to know since regardless we were there and we would be having transfer. We took the time to sit and drink whilst people watching from the street cafes instead!

IF and I had lots of time to talk and get to know each other better, it really was nice because we had only met once but spoken more on Facebook etc so being forced to get to know each other on the trip was a good thing. I probably learnt more about them, and vice versa, than simply meeting for insems for example.

Tuesday was transfer day, I felt surprisingly calm really, I think it just felt surreal more than anything. I know both IPs were feeling the pressure though and I wished I could of shared that load but thought that staying calm was probably more helpful anyway.

We were shown to the consultation room and immediately were told to relax because it was good news. We had 4 suitable embies. 2 were hatching blasts, which are excellent and top grade. We had 2 blasts, 1 morula (which is the step before blast stage) and the remaining 2 embryos were not suitable for anything. The Dr went through her check questions and asked us if we wanted 1 or 2 put back and we said 2 immediately. With that, she said her nurse would show us to the room and she would be with us to do the transfer shortly.

A kind nurse showed us to the appropriate room, I was told to undress my bottom half and IF had to put some plastic shoe covers on his feet and then the nurse had me climb onto the couch, telling me to 'relax and listen to the music' that was playing in the background. It was pan pipe music, which made us both laugh but a nice touch nonetheless.

It was then that we saw the embies on a screen, on a wall in the room. Wow, both of us were in awe and grinning like lunatics. IF snapped a pic for M so he could include him in the whole experience. He also took a video of the room and equipment, not wanting his partner to miss a moment, despite the miles between us all.

The Dr came in and asked me to scoot down the bed and put my legs in stirrups and explained what she was doing as the nurse was looking m ultrasound at my uterus, to help guide the Dr to transfer the embies into the right place. I honestly didn't notice the transfer, felt nothing and the most uncomfortable bit was the necessary speculum that is used. It was only when the Dr pointed out the white dot now in my womb, that I realised it was done!

The Dr and nurse started to get me more comfortable, whilst the embryologist checked the catheter to check both embryos had been expelled. A lot of chuckles and the word 'no!?' spoken and we were told one embryo was still in the tube so we had to do it again to transfer that one! The Dr joked that it only happened a couple of times a year so this one must be strong and would cause us trouble.

Again, no pain and didn't notice anything. The Dr shook my hand and said good luck for our positive pregnancy test. I'm sure she says that to every patient but she seemed so enthusiastic and positive that it wasn't hard to feel positive ourselves.

I was then told to lie quiet and relax for 15 minutes and the nurse would be back after to get me. Everyone was so kind and efficient, we had been seen and had transfer and all before our official appointment time.

IF took more pictures - of us, of the ultrasound screen with embies, of the rest of the room and we laughed and relaxed together, unable to quite believe that such a monumental moment had just occurred and it all seemed so pleasant and not at all awkward.

Our nurse did return and I got dressed and we were escorted out to pay for the treatment, even given a free hpt too which was a nice touch.

Once out in the scorching heat, IF sent the pics and spoke to M, who was anxiously awaiting an update and who was at work. Upon viewing the embie pics and speaking to IF and hearing all went well, he promptly fainted! Poor poor M - we definitely weren't alone in feeling the intense anxiety and elation at a great transfer, it seems!

We grabbed a taxi (receptionist even called one, whilst we waited in the air-conditioned building) and headed back to our hotel. Bit of an annoyance when realising my phone was on the seat in reception and so a swift 2nd journey in the taxi to retrieve it (oops!) and we were back to people watching, whilst we sat under the shade of a street cafe once again.

Next day and we flew home, slightly delayed and flight a bit bumpy but fine and the end of that chapter was over. We were drained from the stress and build up and physically shattered from the travelling and the heat but very excited for the start of our countdown until testing!

Clinic say to wait 10 days, I will wait 5 days before beginning to test. Nervous but feeling very positive, the odds are in our favour so everything crossed.

We got the news today that 2 remaining embies were suitable and have been frozen and that was a lovely rounding off to our jaunt to Brno.

Transfer Report

All Aboard!

Embies are safely in utero! 2 x beautiful hatching blasts so wooohooo. 

I was a bit anxious about the procedure but it was fine and the staff were lovely.

Will write more about the experience when home tomorrow but for now, I am PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise!

Brno Bound

This post comes to you from Brno! 

After a night in a hotel by the airport, waking up at 2am feeling frankly bloody awful and a 1 hour 40 minute flight and finally, we are here.

Hot as hell, like 30 Celsius and so I am glad I'm now in the air conditioned hotel, laid out doing nothing. 

Nothing planned today other than chilling. Transfer is tomorrow at 2:30pm Czech time so say a little something for us all - big milestone and we all hope to only do it the once.

Embie update yesterday was 5 x 8cc Grade 1, the other 2 lesser. 1 is still a Grade 2 and 5cc but the other is now a Grade 3, so rubbish but 5 fab ones is excellent! We see tomorrow if they made blast stage...

Embryo Update - Day 2

We have 5 x 4cc - Grade 1 and 2 x 2cc - Grade 2.

As expected for this stage so keeping fingers tightly crossed that they continue that way.

Apparently the clinic nurse told IF that 95% get to day 5, for transfer, so the odds are well in our favour. I wonder what happens if they don't but in the name of being positive and optimistic, I'm not going to give it further thought. I assume they would use IF's sperm and try again with other donor eggs - keeping me on these horrible meds so I really hope not to have any need to think about that avenue.

I didn't quite understand grading and it's actually quite complicated and the info we have today has no bearing on the grade the embryo may or may not have on transfer day so I'm not looking too much into it really but the little I do understand, ours are doing fine right now. I also read that regardless of the grading upon transfer, it's down to pure luck - top graded embies have failed, whereas poor quality ones have resulted in a baby or 3!

I have had a bit of hassle with the local STD clinic who have done my blood tests, the results were meant to be back yesterday but weren't and I was told to return today at 1pm and was told they were closed! After pleading with an assey receptionist, a lovely health advisor told me that one result was still not back but that they would chase it up first thing Monday with the lab and hopefully get the whole set of results e-mailed to me then. I hope they do or else that's a huge pain in the backside and means more blood tests next week at the clinic.

Tomorrow night I will travel to the airport and we'll stay in a hotel overnight as our flight is very early on Monday morning so that has me on edge. I'm eager of course to move onto this very exciting stage but also looking forward to getting it over with and mainly that's because of the flying involved - eeek. I do not like flying, I'm not phobic but I don't like it at all. :o( I've been watching the weather report closely, it's meant to be very hot over there but we're dodging showers here.

I will attempt to update from over there but I don't know about wifi etc so can't be sure I will, either way Wednesday I'll be back and will do so then!

Grow baby, grow!

Progesterone sucks. :o(

Only taken 3 and feeling crappy already - lots of ovary pain, cramps and bloatedness. Someone asked me today if I was pregnant. Ugh.

I had read up on the effects and it seemed to be not that bad but they lied. Or I just got unlucky.

Already feeling like I can't do another possible 9 weeks of this stuff. Felt like that on the estrogen alone so that can't be good, can it?

Naturally all this crudiness had to happen the week when it seems like my life is imploding (dramatic much? True though!) and I could do without the added stress of not feeling good from the meds.

On the positive side, we heard 7 out of the 8 donor eggs have fertilised so we have embryos! Yaaaay! Very big milestone and all of us are pleased to hear that. Now we wait and see how they continue to progress between now and scheduled transfer on Tuesday.

Beginning to get very anxious about the flight now, especially being away from my own family but I have come this far so no backing out now. Just continuing to hope we only have to do it the once! IF said the clinic was nice and the staff efficient, I am glad he has been over already to scope things out beforehand because that should take a bit of pressure off of us.

Will update with further news on how the snow babies (what frozen egg/transfer embryos are called by IPs and surros) are doing!

Stepping Up A Notch

I had my lining scan today and it's perfect at 9mm, on day 14 of my cycle. All looks as it needs to, nothing sinister in there and my ovaries are all fine too so a big weight off my mind on that front!

IF is out in Czech currently, he has to give his sample at 10am tomorrow and then the rest of the week will be spent with us all on tenterhooks, watching and waiting how the fertilisation of eggs go. I'm pleased that for a few days, I can hand the baton of pressure over to him and sit back - this is his turn to be in the cycle hot-seat!

We've had a good couple of weeks just coasting along quietly, me on the meds, them sorting out paperwork and arrangements for the cycle and now it is starting to step up a notch and we're all excited but nervous, probably because it's all new to us.

We both also had our standard blood tests done this past week - HIV, Hepatitis and Syphilis and all seemed fine on that score, just another formality that needed to be done and crossed off.

Can't believe that this time next week, I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I will have technically embryos on board.,I hope they make themselves at home and settling in for the long haul!

Tomorrow I add progesterone to my meds, this is to supplement my levels to help sustain my lining and any pregnancy that occurs. You can take them vaginally or rectally, eek! Unsure which way I will choose, I've been reading up on both methods, neither seem appealing to me and neither seems better than the other so I think this decision will just be a matter of personal choice.

However, I've read that they do give you some wicked symptoms though, I remember with my first journey and using natural progesterone cream one cycle, that stuff was pretty crappy with its effects and I foresee these strong pessaries being even worse. Oh well, all for a good cause and all that.

That's pretty much where we are currently, will keep updating with the results of how the eggs are cooking!

Exciting!

There really isn't a whole lot to say, I'm still taking my meds and apart from a constant headache and stomach pain, it's going OK. I know that's not alright to be in pain but no-one said GS was easy and I knew that the meds carried a risk of side effects so I can't really complain too much. Yes, it's annoying but I want this for my IPs (and myself, selfishly) so I'll get on with it. I'm hoping when I go to the clinic for transfer, I can talk to the doctor about swapping to another type/brand and seeing how that goes.

Of course my mind is on processing the loss of my grandmother and things are very raw on that front, I still am unable to adequately express in words how much my heart and head hurt. I suppose at least it provides a distraction but I really wish it didn't obviously.

I'm off to Scotland for the funeral from Friday onwards and then it will be a mad dash back home to have my lining scan on Wednesday. One of my IPs said to me last night that in just 14 days, I will have those precious embies on board. Wow, I cannot believe that it's all moving so fast! I mean that in a good way too, it is fast but it feels natural and I've no regrets at matching and ttc at this pace.

I meant to mention before that the clinic we are going to do ICSI, rather than IVF. I think that's pretty neat because over here in the UK, ICSI is not routine but actually it provides better success rates and that's what this 'game' is all about after all, success.

I also started temping today again, last cycle I got lazy and didn't at all but this cycle I'm back on the wagon. I think it'll be interesting to see what the meds and specialised treatment I'm having will do to my charts and of course, if the cycle wasn't to be successful then I have something to compare following cycles to.

I started to look at pregnancy test galleries too, at all the positive ones and was a bit jealous but we'll skip over that little sad admission....LOL.

When you use Fertility Friend charting software, you can set a filter to show charts that match your own circumstances - so for instance, I could put 'with donor egg', without 'IUI' and 'with estrogen' and it would show me charts where women were having similar to me and the outcome of their cycle too. The stats made me smile this morning, it was something like 67% resulted in pregnancy and 10% (ish) resulted in miscarriage. Now blatantly the latter was not something to smile about but those women did get pregnant and that is a massive milestone to reach, they did get pregnant - even if it didn't end in a live birth and so it is something to celebrate still. I just hope these odds don't get me too carried away because as I well know, there are no guarantees but wouldn't it be lovely to get a first-time bfp and why wouldn't that be the case? Positive thinking, we're going to do this!

What A Day

Last night was crazy, I don't know whether it was the meds or the way I've been taking them (all 3 at once, before bed) or something completely unrelated but I couldn't sleep. I went to bed at midnight and was still wide awake at 5:30am. Everything and anything was whirring around my head - of course all things surrogacy - the drugs, the flight schedule, leaving my children and also life in general and everything else inbetween. It was horrible, my brain just would not shut off.

I decided today that I would space my meds out instead and see if having a constant background level of hormones instead of one big hit, helped ease these possible side effects but it's too early to tell obviously so we'll see.

I do so hate these tablets, I thought I would be perfectly fine taking them but I'm really not. It's pushed my anxiety into overdrive and I've been imagining them doing all sorts to me. The 2 main concerns are that they increase the risk of stroke and DVT. Having already had a suspected PE (blood clot in my lung in 2006, in pregnancy) I am at a higher risk of blood clots and being larger, I'm at higher risk of stroke and blood clots. Add in that the other risk is of heart attack and my father died very early of a heart attack, which puts me at an increased risk already and yes, I am pretty damned scared of these pills. Let's not forget that they can increase your chance of suffering breast cancer, which when added to the increased risk of ovarian cancer than being on Clomid my last journey gave me...well yes, I'm very anxious. But, I try and reason that I will only be on them short-term, compared to those who take them constantly as a method of birth control and that these pills only contain 1 of the 2 ingredients that the birth control version contains so that should hopefully lessen the likelihood of those side effects, but I will be bloody happy to stop taking them and that's not good when I'm only 3 days into them and wanting it to be over already.

I did last night wonder what the fuck I was doing, doing this and wondered if I shouldn't just tell my IPs that I couldn't do it but by the time I had a short sleep, I felt a bit calmer and more rational. I bet if my IPs saw this, they would wonder if they'd commissioned a complete nutter so I'm glad that at this point, they don't know my blog exists - I'm keeping the crazy under wraps for now! LOL.

In other news, my beloved Grandma passed away today. I am not in the mind frame to say more, I am honestly shell-shocked. It doesn't matter she was almost 96, it doesn't matter that she lived a good life, it doesn't matter that we all expected this day would obviously come and she wasn't just a 'run-of-the-mill' grandma but like a 2nd mother to us all. We were so very close, I helped care for her and she literally was the cog that we all revolved around. I hope she knew how much she was loved, I'm positive she did as we told her all the time but I wish I had had one more day to see her and kiss her frail forehead, just to make sure. I'm sure she's watching over us all and I hope her passing perhaps allows for a life to begin...Maybe that's a good Omen for this cycle? We shall see. For now, my family are grieving for a truly amazing mum, wife, sister, aunt, grandmother and great-grandmother.

Drugs!

One of my lovely IPs sorted out a prescription to be faxed from the clinic in Czech, to a chemist accessible to him and then drove all the way from where they live in Surrey, to the east of London and then to me with the drugs I need for the cycle, so we could begin straight away and yet he still arrived on my doorstep with a huge grin on his face, despite being on the road for many hours already and having to still drive back and get some work done for the day.vHe was smiling when he left too, despite having met my 3 gorgeous but energetic children - one of whom was super hyped up as it was her birthday. Yes, he's definitely commited to making a baby of their own!

I am now the proud of owner of a bag full of necessary stimulating and supporting drugs. It all felt (feels) very surreal. It's moving lightning fast and I'm so excited but of course nervous too. I don't particularly like taking drugs if I can help it and sometimes even a paracetamol can cause me anxiety but this is for a different reason and it just feels a little less panic inducing than I imagined. I also keep remembering that I could be on a protocol that requires injectible drugs and so I'm thankful that it's just some pills.

I'm taking Progynova 6mgs daily and will continue that for the foreseeable future - at least until the end of the cycle or until beyond, if we get that bfp. Of course I had to read up on side effects which was a bit silly but actually, it doesn't appear too scary for most people so fingers crossed. I'm taking that at night, all in one go - not sure if that's how everyone takes it but there was no instructions to the contrary either. I remember I experimented with the times I took my Clomid, last journey and I came to the conclusion that it really seemed to make no difference so that's my stance with these ones too!

My IPs are getting excited that this is really happening too, strangely though because it's all moving fast I don't have any feelings of pressure on my shoulders which is nice for once. I am hoping this journey will be a case of wham bam, thank you, Ma'am. I think when you do multiple cycles, you get jaded and you become cynical and it all begins to weigh heavily on you as you try to analyse what went wrong, what you did wrong, what you could of done and what may work next cycle and that excitement of ttc wears pretty thin quickly. No, I much prefer the thought of feeling simply comfortable with IPs, cracking on, not thinking too much, getting a bfp and having their baby, the end. I don't mean that in a bad way either, I just mean that having taken the long road last time, it would be great to take the shorter route this time.

The odds of success are pretty impressive with this clinic and I've read a lot of threads from people who have good things to say about them, even those who didn't get a bfp (big fast positive, on a pregnancy test) first time around or sometimes one at all. The success rate for FDET (frozen donor egg treatment) is about 65%,  which means a + hpt (home pregnancy test) and with an almost 50% ongoing pregnancy rate, which means that a heartbeat is detected. That's a flip of a coin success rate and any which way you slice it, that is impressive and far more than the quoted 12% per cycle when doing traditional surrogacy. When you also bear in mind that that success rate is based mainly on women who have some serious fertility problems (why else would they be having assisted conception) then this proven fertile woman, with 4 pregnancies and births behind her, should be a pretty sure thing for a bfp, right?! I know, I know, that's not how this thing works but the odds should be higher for me than the impressive ones quoted for everyone else and that makes me happy.

It would be fab to only have to do the 1 cycle, for obvious reasons but also I certainly wouldn't be sad to only have to fly to the clinic the once either. I'm very nervous about that part of this but I prefer to push it to the back of my mind for now. My IPs have said they will be holding my hand, literally, on the journey and we're all petrified for one reason or another currently so we're all going to have to be brave in various ways and the flight will be my turn.

I haven't told anyone other than my surrogacy best friend and my husband what is happening because I don't want the pressure of people watching my cycle and especially during the dreaded 2ww (2 week wait, time between ovulation and when your period is due). I've decided not even to tell my family at this point because firstly, they will think I'm a bit crazy for wanting to do it all over again when my first journey wasn't that great and only ended 5 months ago. I don't need anyones permission or blessing, it's my body and my life and as long as the 4 most important people in my life are happy with what I'm doing then that's all that matters. When I get pregnant obviously I will tell them but for now it's not necessary. One mistake I made last time was telling far too many people, too soon and it heaped on the pressure when cycle after cycle passed and I was still not pregnant.

As I mentioned the 2ww just then, I want to say how stupidly excited I am that with GS, you don't have a 2 week wait. No, because they transfer 5 day old blastocysts, that shaves 5 days off of a typical 2ww and as you can test in a normal ttc situation from 10dpo and possibly get a + result, I only have to wait around 5 days before I can begin testing. That makes me happy because as I said before, I'm the world's most impatient person and to be able to start POAS (peeing on a stick - taking a pregnancy test) after only 5 days is fab! Thankfully my IPs also say they want to know asap so they can prepare themselves so it'll be all pee systems go shortly after transfer.

Ideally I had wanted to lose some weight (don't all us women?) before my next pregnancy but time is ticking and since I want to be done and dusted by the time I'm 35, which is next August, then I don't want to delay my next journey at all if I can help it. I've got pregnant 4 times at this weight, and infact when even heavier, and the clinic say it makes no difference to the outcome of treatment either so I'm cracking on. I may be a bit larger than I'd like, and bear in mind I only had my surrogate baby 5 months ago, but I am healthy and never gain anything in pregnancy but either stay the same or lose weight infact. Excess weight only really affects fertility because it puts hormones out of whack but even at my current weight, my hormones were never a problem and because this is GS, they don't matter at all anyway as it's all controlled for me.

So, day 3 of my cycle and another 9 until I have my transvaginal scan to measure my uterine lining thickness. I haven't had any lining problems anyway and we're supplementing with the hormones that make it grow so I don't foresee any problem with this stage at all.