Reunited!

After not seeing my lovely IPs for 8 weeks, we finally got together for a routine midwife appt today. I was so excited to see them, it seems like double that since we saw one another. We had a good catch up over coffee and a toastie (nom!), I have really missed them.

Midwife appt was all routine but good nonetheless. I had bloods taken for my iron levels, liver function and for blood grouping - all of which are routine for me. The results from my glucose test were as expected and all normal and my bp was fine. There was a small amount of protein in my urine sample and some ketones - the latter is normal for me but the protein not so much, however with my bp normal we aren't worried it's anything worrying like pre-eclampsia but probably more a UTI, which I had suspected I was harbouring for a few weeks now. Anyway, all sent to the lab and we'll hear if it throws anything up.

We heard that the head of midwifery at my delivery hospital had been in contact now we are a bit further along in the pregnancy, to organise the meeting that I had with my last IPs. It's nothing to worry about and all very routine, we hope to have that meeting around the time of my hospital scan and consultant appt next month.

We also arranged for our antenatal class! All very exciting, I love these classes that my lovely midwife runs because it really spells out labour and delivery and all the bits inbetween that for my IPs and is much more concise than I can ever be when trying to explain. That will be the beginning of February.

Also, we will be arranging our birth suite tour between the same dates, which again is very exciting for the guys. I mean not so much for me, it's not my first baby but I enjoy seeing the knowledge that my IPs take from visiting the hospital and it makes it seem that bit more real too.

Lastly, the midwife team from my IPs hospital have been in touch with my midwife and the guys now have a contact point to speak to over these coming few weeks to arrange things their end - such as perhaps a  home visit by the team but at the very least a telephone introduction to who will be coming out to visit their son once they make it home with him.

We had a good chat in the car on the way home about birth, labour and beyond and I feel very relaxed about what's to come and I know mistakes from match 1 won't be repeated, which is comforting because they did marr parts post-partum which wasn't nice at the time.

So, very busy times ahead as we enter the third trimester and I'm growing more excited myself. It's nice because I'm much more relaxed this time around because I know what's coming and what to expect but also because I know what the surrogacy part entails whereas last time, I was winging it quite frankly!

I was very very spoilt once again today by my IPs, despite me talking about not buying each other anything for Christmas and a silence about that from one of them, they suprised the heck out of me by presenting me with a huge bag of presents for the entire family. It's never ever been about material rewards, I'm simply not that type of person but it is lovely to feel that someone (or 2!) has gone to such lengths to do something kind for you and that's these two all over. We as a family were blown away, the thought they put into things they give to me and us all just bowls me over. Very lucky surrogate family indeed. I hope they know how much we all appreciate them, not just what they do time and again for me but for us all.

Feeling pretty good in myself, as far as late pregnancy goes and enjoying the company of my tum buddy. I'm off to Scotland next week to spend Christmas with my mum, it's the first one without my grandmother alive so I'm already feeling extra emotional, December is always a rough month for me anyway as I lost my father some years back on the 23rd and so with pregnancy hormones on top, I'm trying to keep busy and keep cheery for my children.

Will be back in 2014 with the next update!

28 Week Bump

General Round-Up

What's new here? Not much!

I'm getting bigger by the week, well duh I know but yeah. LOL.

I'm also getting more breathless, I don't know if this is perhaps a sign that the usual decline in my iron levels has begun but it's more noticeable but I should also say I have a cold so that could be a big factor. I'm also freezing cold and I know that the weather is fast sliding into winter mode but even at times when I shouldn't be so cold, I am. I'll know when I get my blood tests re-done at the 28 week appt but I wouldn't be surprised if it came back low.

Booked in for my glucose tolerance test at the beginning of December, a 'perk' of being fat (and having a history of diabetes in the family) means I get to be stabbed with a needle twice in the space of 2 hours and drink a ridiculously large amount of pure sugar at 9am in the morning. I have no doubts I'll get the all-clear from that and it's simply routine.

Baby is kicking up a storm much more lately, I've been able to feel him from the outside for a couple of weeks now. He's a good boy though, has his active bursts but for the most part is pretty kind to me! I feel kicks all over the place so that's no indication of position and of course we're not concerned with that yet. I recall with my last surrobaby, who was breech until 38 weeks consistently, that I used to feel kick/jabs down low all the time and it was never accurate in determining where he was position wise so I don't go much on that.

This week I had a minor op on my eyelid, I was nervous as hell but it went smoothly and surprisingly pain free. I'm now 2 days out post-op and the black eye that Google warned me about has not materialised and it appears that I was lucky, just as the doctor doing it had said some are. It didn't have any effect on baby and was a purely cosmetic procedure so there were no concerns from that aspect. I'm glad though that it's one less thing for me to fret about!

And that's pretty much it as far as any update goes - getting frequent heartburn and finding it so hard to sleep but I suffer both in pregnancy so neither were an unexpected surprise. I'm also finding I seem to sleep better when I do eventually drop off, if I'm sat upright and so another pregnancy milestone has been reached - purchasing of the v-shaped pillow. LOL. I do this every pregnancy, get to a certain point where I need one to help me get comfortable and settle but have never seen the point or appeal of those huge specifically marketed pregnancy pillows. No, a cheap generic v-shaped one does the job perfectly well for me so that's on my to-buy list this coming week.

Guess my next update will be the 28 week midwife appt/results of the GTT and my 28 week bump pic!

24 Week Bump - Viable Now, Baby!

A Moment To Talk IPs

I have the most amazing IPs. I realise that I've not spoken much about them or given them enough public kudos for everything they've done so far so this post comes to you with a generous serving of appreciation and love - if you've got a delicate stomach for a gushy post then click away now, or grab a sick bag!

From the moment we matched, they told me that my journey with them would be different and that they would prove it. They didn't expect me just to buy it, they knew of the entire saga of my previous match and swore they would never treat me or our journey in that manner and that they would show me that that was the truth.

Now, I'd of course heard that line before and it hadn't materialised and infact was worse in some ways at times than I could of even imagined in my dreams (nightmares?) so I was cynical but smiled in appreciation nonetheless and deleted it from my mind but these guys have proven it. Again and again.

Such a short amount of time from first talking, to matching, to ttc, to our bfp and beyond and yet it feels like I've known them forever but more importantly, I want to know them forever and vice-versa. Breath of fresh air right there.

They've never lied to me, I'm very good at catching people out so trust me, I would of sniffed a porkie or 2 had there been any. Having been around the 'block' in surrogacy too, I've heard all the platitudes and experienced enough fakery of my own and towards others, to know what's the real deal and what's not. Nope, these 2 are genuine, just like they promised me they would be. They've no need to lie, no facade to uphold, no flashy lives to maintain - nope, they wear their hearts on their sleeves, their opinions loud and proud and are exactly who they are - no disguise, no smoke and fire, just 2 guys who love each other and want to have a baby with an open and genuine surrogate.

Now, that's not to say we've not disagreed - I recall recently having a heated discussion with one of them and raising my voice and crying at him in sheer annoyance at the situation and his response but you know what? It was OK. He took it, he gave me some back and the world didn't end. There was no silence for days, no air of awkwardness, no me left feeling like I had to try and smooth things over or risk being labelled the bitch. We resolved it like, well, like adults do - adults that respect each other and genuinely care for one another , adults who don't like to upset someone else and who aren't just flexing their muscles. The truly surprising part though was that I was surprised! My past experiences had obviously made me come to expect something completely different as an outcome to a situation like that, and it was pleasant to find I was wrong.

It's the little things too, these guys are always telling me how much they appreciate me and the amazing thing I'm doing for them - despite my hatred of the word 'amazing' (see my old blog for explanation...), I believe their sincerity when they say it. The appreciation I get from them, when I've not done anything to expect or deserve it specifically, tells me it's genuine and that makes it so much more special. The spontaneous texts or messages, that tell me how in love with their boy they are, how much they are looking forward to seeing me next, what they've been buying and asking my opinion on whether it's necessary - all of it, it all shows me that they aren't just talking the talk and playing the game, they actually consider me a friend, value me and my experiences and see me as an equal.

They also do the sweetest materalistic things - they send me surprise packages, this started prior to us even heading for treatment. Little touches, sometimes like on my birthday - big touches. Each carefully thought out and showing an understanding about who I am, what makes me tick and that they've truly thought about what they've purchased and that means a lot. They listen to who I am, I'm not just a womb for hire. I'm not just a pet to be fed 'treats' to keep me under control and coming back for more - to basically keep me sweet, no they care about me - something that was unfortunately lacking in matches I'd had before. Actions speak louder than words and these guys have shouted at me from day 1 in both ways.

I feel incredibly fortunate to of found these guys when I was least expecting it, I wasn't even looking. Perhaps there is some truth in Karma and this is my reward for last time? Maybe good things do happen to good people after all, you just have to wait until the right time for it to occur? Were these IPs sent into my path to restore my faith in surrogacy and erase bad experiences and worse memories? I would like to think that may be the case, all I know for sure is that we are respectful to one another and all on a level playing field and that's all I ever wanted - no-one thinking they are better than the other and no games. We're all in this together, to create life and make the journey of doing that as smooth and happy as possible, why encourage or create drama and waves to spoil something that should be so easy going and fab?

I should also thank my former IPs in this post because without our match, I wouldn't now know what I deserve, what I need and what I want from this/any future match. It made me stronger person and a better surrogate.

Tomorrow my former IPs will legally become the parents of my first surrogate baby. A new birth certificate will be issued, my name and existence on paper will be erased. And the bond we shared whilst creating baby Oli will change, perhaps even end....we are still closing a chapter regardless of what happens past that moment. Even at the end, it's not been particularly amicable from my point of view - I've not had the wool pulled over my eyes again and see as clearly as ever the big picture. It's certainly not what I had hoped for but in seeing the positives about the situation, once again it's taught me how strong I am and what I don't want to happen at the end of this journey.

Not sure I can ever completely make peace with my previous experiences but for now, acceptance that I can't change the past is helping me the most. It is what it is, they are who they are and I've been the best surrogate for them that I could of been and did all that I promised. Same as I promised my current IPs and something I know I can deliver on, even if the going gets tough.

No, this post is supposed to be about being thankful for what I do have, rather than dwelling on what I didn't have before but in truly being able to recognise and appreciate what I have now, it's important to realise what I've been through prior too and how the two are connected.

In fairness though, of course there were good times in my previous match, but this post is about my current match and how I'm thankful for what I have going on now, with them. For the former, you'd have to head to my other blog (link up on the left <----- ) that was about that particular match and see the times I thanked them publically and talked about how appreciative I was for the great things they did during our match...

Anyway, here ends the gushy post but truly, my current IPs are rocking my socks! I love 'em. There endeth the love fest, my point duly made.

20 Week Bump

Difficult

This pregnancy is kicking my ass in so many ways, it's just completely different to any of the others or at least it seems that way - my memory is so dodgy and pregnancy hormones have an almost amnesic effect so I could just be viewing past memories through rose-tinted specs rather than reality specs! LOL.

It's just been difficult from the start - the meds and their effects, the twin/on off thing, the bleeding, the pains, the morning sickness, the bleeding, the low placenta and the list goes on. I can foresee this pattern continuing the entire 40 weeks and I think that's why it feels like it is dragging so much. My hubster says he can't believe it's been 20 weeks already but I totally can, it seems like longer! I think, as I said to my IF, that that is because we've limped from crisis to crisis and a day seems like a week when you're on constant knicker watch for bleeding or waking up and waiting for the random but painful aches to begin.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant as a surrogate, it gives you a feeling like no other and one that is different to my own 3 pregnancies and I wouldn't change the course I've taken since deciding to be a surrogate for anything. No, but it's different and when times are rough it's hard to swallow and remember the happiness you're bringing and the amazing thing you're being entrusted to do for others. Sometimes it just plain sucks.

I've been in the definite suckage camp this past week, random pains and some spotting will put you in that place. So far though it has passed without any drama and we continue forwards ticking off the days.

Baby boy has started to kick more so this week and that's pretty lovely to feel - something that at present is just between me and him and it's almost like it's his way of saying 'hey tummy mum!' Love it. Won't love it so much when it's keeping me awake or causing me physical pain but like most of this journey, it's a little highlight that keeps you going when everything else is going rough and that's what we take as surrogates - the little things.

Big Scan Day

We had our big scan today and I'm pleased to report that all looks fine, baby is measuring spot on!

It was putting on a show for its daddies, wriggling around, showing us its beautiful face and making sure they had plenty of time to look at how gorgeous it was.

The ultrasound tech took ages looking at the heart, including having me move from one side to the other and switching to doppler flow to view it too and we were all beginning to feel a bit anxious that perhaps she had spotted a problem but it was simply that she was having a hard time viewing one particular aspect that she needed to. There was an audible sigh of relief when she said all was fine.

At the start, my placenta was indeed low and covering the entire cervix, just as we'd feared but suddenly near the end of the appointment she said my bladder had filled up nicely and flipped it out of the way!? She said she therefore didn't need to write anything down on the report about the placenta being an issue but I think that was situational, that because it moved, she couldn't write any different down but that it's essentially a watch and wait thing and since we're booked for a routine growth scan at 32 weeks, they will simply recheck the placenta as part of that anyway and see what's what then. She did however seem unconcerned it was low and covering at the start anyway, and said she had yet to see a placenta that hadn't moved by the time a follow-up scan was done so we're going with that for now. Even if the entire scan it had stayed low, they would do nothing different that have a follow-up anyway.

Baby was lying transverse still but of course there is plenty of time for that to change and it's not a concern at this stage, it does however explain why I'm getting pain so far up and across the top of my uterus because that's where it's hanging out! She was really high up with the probe so my uterus is obviously growing well, she was well above my belly button which was odd since it should be around belly button height but she didn't seem concerned and I'm not either, I know fundal height is subjective and nothing is more accurate than the actual scan and the measurements gained during that - which were all normal.

I should mention that at the start of the scan, the tech asked if we would like to know the gender and we excitedly answered yes! Now, I swore it was a girl because of my sickness, the nub theory and skull theory and I just felt sure it was. M said boy and B said girl. So, one of us had to be right and there was a 50/50 chance...

Straight away the tech announced she could see what baby was and showed us all very clearly that we're TEAM BLUE. Love that part of the scan, it was great to see the look on the boys' faces as they took in the news that they have a son on the way. Seems my body likes boys but this time it's nothing to do with me since my genetics aren't involved!

All in all a good appointment, we all came out grinning and it was lovely to get some much needed good news after last week's scare. There is a lull now because I'm not due to see anyone until 28 weeks, so middle of December and we're going to enjoy every second it and just take in the journey so far.

5am

And it seems a perfect time to blog! LOL. I can't sleep as my oldest is not well and up and down and so I'm awake anyway and of course have things to say about Monday's news.

It is more positive though, I had a pretty down day yesterday where I was consumed by negativity and just couldn't see how this would ever end well and obviously, as we all do, did far too much googling - which never ends well. It culminated in talking to B (IF) and having a bit of a mini meltdown at him, which he took in good grace and instead of giving me as much negativity and emotion back, which he would of been in his rights to do, he listened and we talked things through. I can't say at the time of the call, I was any further reassured or happy but just getting it off my chest helped me.

I decided to go back to Google and visit 'positive placenta previa stories' instead this time though and instantly found some uplifting experiences ladies have had, even with dire beginnings. Yay, not all doom and gloom!

I'm definitely feeling calmer currently, which may or may not last, we will see. One thread I read said that when you first hear low placenta at a scan and especially if you find out after unexpected and scary looking bleeding that you go into what she termed the 'shock and discovery stage', where you Google everything, scare yourself witless, stew and end up depressing yourself with the horror stories and then you come to terms with it slowly after that. I think that was immensely encouraging to read - that I'm not simply being a Debbie Downer, that this is scary times and what I'm feeling is normal and completely valid. I know it may seem an over-reaction to some reading my post yesterday and everyone seems to know someone who has had PP and it turned out fine but when you get the news, when you are actually pregnant and could potentially lose that baby, maybe lose your reproductive organs or even your life and add in that it isn't even your baby but one you have been entrusted to safely bake and deliver....well yeah, I dare you to behave or think much differently at the beginning.

Anyway, so yes I feel a bit happier and more optimistic today. Our plan is not to worry until the official big scan next week where we will get the official grade on what we are dealing with exactly and we also will ask to see a consultant to ask their opinion on things and take it from there. Baby steps, not panicking until we have to is the mantra for now.

Plenty of women have bleeding and a complete placenta previa, the dreaded grade 4 and yet it moves and they are taken off high risk status, complete bedrest is revoked and they go on to have a natural birth. There is no reason that can't be me. No reason.

I read many scary statistics during my time infront of the laptop screen, about 10-25% of babies dying when the mum has PP etc. During my more positive reading yesterday however, I read on the flip side that one half of 1% of ladies die with PP and 9 out of 10 babies survive a PP birth. See, for every negative, you can find a positive - it is just looking hard enough.

I'm still bleeding a small and sporadic amount, again that is a positive compared to Monday's scary stuff and so trying to take it easier. I can't help but wonder if that was caused by lifting 2 of my sleeping and therefore heavy children very late Sunday night - one is 5, the other is 7 so no shrinking violets, and no, there will be no repeat obviously but when I did it, I didn't think twice. I've read that the bleeding has no pattern, it can last for a minute or it can go on for days, you can spot/bleed/spot or bleed/stop/bleed and there is no rhyme nor reason and so I'm not worrying that I'm still seeing stuff and am preparing myself that that could continue to be the case for some time yet and that that is OK too. Remembering what I said yesterday about it not being baby blood but placental blood is helping too, no matter how worrisome it is to see it every bathroom stop, remembering that baby is fine is helping a little.

Anyway, it is now 5:30 (yes I type slow, damn tiny phone) and so I will sign off and try and snatch an hour between medicine time for the sick boy and hope I wake again still feeling as positive as I do now but even if I don't, I recognise now that that is OK and I will get back to the positive point again.

Stomach In Knots

We've had a massive shock, yesterday I woke up to use the bathroom at 6am and was very surprised to see blood. Lots of blood. Red blood at that. Heart pounding, I had to think quick what I should do - in 4 pregnancies, never had this before and so was a bit confused who to call and where to go. I grabbed my maternity notes and first called my community midwife where the answerphone message which said they only with non-urgent matters during office hours. So, next I called the the on-call midwife, which was actually Labour & Delivery at the other hospital here in Bristol, where most pregnant ladies choose to go to and so they told me to call my own hospital's L&D. They said I was too early for them to see and to call the UK health helpline, who told me they would get my out-of-hours GP service to call me back and that Dr told me to contact my own GP surgery because they were soon closing for the night and so couldn't see me themselves. I had to wait a further hour until my surgery was open so I tried to keep calm and called my IPs as they have always said they want to everything, good or bad and they jumped straight in the car and raced to Bristol.

I listened in to baby for some reassurance, spoke with my best friend, R who helped to calm me down and was as reassuring as she always is although I know she's scared for me and baby but she always knows what to say when I need her most.

My GP offered to squeeze me in asap, I knew I'd need a referral to hospital so it was case of just getting that from them. My husband was fab, got the kids ready for school and took them and my IPs arrived to take me to the drs. We kept it light-hearted, laughing a bit, talking things through and agreeing to be positive unless we had cause to think otherwise but it was not how we wanted to see one another again of course. After a wait at the GPs, we walked out with a referral to the Early Pregnancy Unit. One part of that consultation worried me, the GP had tried very briefly to listen to the baby but it's still early and she didn't know where to look or press hard enough and couldn't find it.

At EPU, we were told we'd have to wait 2 hours for the next appt and so I told the receptionist that I'd been bleeding (and still was) since 6am and couldn't they see me sooner and she spoke with one of the midwife practitioners, who told me they couldn't see me sooner, I reminded her that I was 18 weeks odd and wasn't even sure they could see me as I knew their clinic only saw ladies up to 18 weeks. Her eyes popped out of her head when I told her I was over that and she said straight away that I would probably need to be seen upstairs, in the main scan/antenatal/fetal medicine unit but to sit and wait in the unit and see a dr there, who could make the decisions.

We sat around for what felt like hours and the dr then spoke to me, asked the usual questions and said that he would request a scan upstairs and shortly after, he came back and said that I would be scanned at 12pm.

Still bleeding, cramping and feeling very anxious by this point, we all headed up and waited for our appt.  Finally we got called in and were super nervous by now, the moment of truth....

Straight away the tech showed us baby's heartbeat, phew, worst case scenario 1 crossed out. Baby looked absolutely amazing, the picture was so clear and those of us larger ladies know that that's very often not the case but this was crystal clear - we could see the bones of the feet and hands, the stomach, the heart, the complete profile. It was just fantastic, at one point baby looked at us face onwards and it was almost as if it was saying 'what's the problem? I'm fine in here!' The tech did some measurements and baby is growing  perfectly for dates and appeared not to have any issue that would explain the bleeding. We almost got to see the gender early too and the tech was sweet and had a look (which she wasn't meant to do) but said that it was still a bit early and anyway, baby had a foot over the goods so we couldn't tell.

She did however find that my placenta is indeed low. And in light of the fact that there was nothing else that could account for the bleeding, that it was probably that that was the cause. She told us it would be checked at the 20 week scan, next Weds but if it was as thought, I'll be offered an extra scan to see its position around 32-34 weeks. With that, we were free to go. Felt a bit weird not to have any follow-up, no advice about the bleeding, no cervix check. Nothing. But baby was alive so all else could be thought about later.

We all breathed a huge sigh of relief, it had been a long and tense morning and we were all absolutely worn out from the stress.

Once home, I decided to call my lovely and very experienced community midwife for some reassurance and answers to the many questions we all had. I expected her, in her usual confident tone, to say 'oh it's fine. It's common and scary but fine' but she didn't. Her first words were 'ohh, that's not good...' Apparently, it seems like I have what will be graded as such, a Grade 3 (maybe even 4) placenta previa. Also known as major placenta previa. It's where the placenta implants in the lower segment of the uterus, instead of anywhere else. Nothing causes it, it's just one of those things - as my midwife said, it's just bad luck. Since it's situated so close to the cervix it (it can be a Grade 1 to 4 - the latter being the worst) bleeds when the uterus grows and stretches and slightly detaches from the uterine wall.

The plus side is the baby isn't bleeding, the baby isn't in danger from the position of the placenta BUT the bleeding can put the baby in danger in the sense that if I was to experience a huge bleed and they couldn't stop it, they would have no choice but to deliver the baby (at whatever stage) so they could remove the placenta to stop the bleeding. There's no other way in that dire case. The hope however is that whilst I should expect to bleed on and off, several times, over the course of the pregnancy, it wouldn't get to that emergency stage or if it did, not until baby was viable. There's no way of telling how it will go, no way of telling how many bleeds I may (or may not) experience, no way of telling how far this pregnancy will make it so it's just a case of hanging in there and taking it a week at a time - eeking closer and closer towards viability, which according to Google, best earliest odds, of an otherwise healthy baby, would be around 25 weeks. That's my current goal, if I have any control over anything, which of course none of us do but in my mind, if I get to 25 (which is still a potentially scary 6 weeks away), I will breathe a little sigh of relief.

My midwife said that from 21 weeks, if I experience anything worrisome, I can head straight to L&D, cutting out being given the run around like yesterday and that was good to hear. At least at L&D the drs, equipment, scan machine etc are all in one place.

I've been unable to think of anything else since yesterday, I keep randomly finding myself tearful and thinking about the what-ifs, like B (IF), I need hard facts to work with and there are few for this condition and so that adds to feeling out of control.

It seems very probable that I will have a c-section, this grade of placenta is highly unlikely to move enough for a vaginal birth and even if it does, the risk of heavy bleeding is quite high regardless. The risks of a massive bleed and the need for blood transfusion during birth is high, the risk of needing a hysterectomy is small but still a possibility. I'm petrified.

Worse still, it could be necessary for me to be admitted to hospital during the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy, as you are most at risk of a huge hemorrhage at that point and baby would need to be delivered asap - like emergency c-section, under general anaesthetic. I cannot be away from my own babies, I live and breathe them and the thought of that about kills me. I refuse to even entertain that happening at this point and will have to deal with it, if and when it happens. It does appear likely that this baby will come around 34-38 weeks though, from what I'm reading. Google says not to be on my own from now on, incase I need to get to hospital without delay and that also throws my potential plan to spend Christmas with my mum in Scotland out the window too but at least she is about 20 minutes from the nearest maternity facilities if I do decide to go. Again, will need to think about that closer to the time, when we've had our next scan and I can see how the bleeding situation is going to pan out.

I just feel like everything I thought would happen, everything I had planned for the pregnancy and delivery has just been yanked out of my hands. I'm at the mercy of Mother Nature. My poor IPs do not deserve this, why can't it be smooth sailing, haven't they worked hard enough to get this far? But, it is what it is. Although not common, this condition isn't always dire and doesn't always have a negative outcome and there's no reason we won't be in the positive and happy category and that's what we're trying to focus on for now. I'm still bleeding this morning, it appears (touch wood) to of slowed down a bit but it's still worrisome. I've decided to not freak every bathroom trip, it is blood, we know where it's coming from, we know that it will do its thing regardless of what we say or do and unless it's much much worse, we just have to stay calm and ignore it - so that's the plan. Which I do well with, until it all just comes back and I feel like I've been punched in the gut all over again (figuratively).

Looking much further forwards, which anyone who knows me knows I do a lot, this has thrown up questions about a sibling project or infact any more surrogate babies. I already knew my risk of complications (ironically of bleeding specifically) have increased due to the number of babies I've had already and my age, but now the risks increase again with placenta previa as it is likely to happen again and the risks increase if I have a c-section in many different ways too. Perhaps this pregnancy is nature's way of saying is enough is enough, (fingers crossed) 5 happy and healthy babies is more than enough for anyone to of been fortunate enough to bring into the world so maybe this is all I'm meant to have. Of course, that's dependent on so many things and something I can't even truly being to process at this point but it has crept into my mind since events of yesterday.

For now though, we concentrate on the here and now and deal with whatever it may bring. Please do say a prayer, or send some good thoughts, or whatever it is that you do in times of worry or crisis because we could really do with some right now. I'll be back next week to update on the scan because hopefully there will be nothing else to update about in the mean time.

Pang Of Regret?

I feel like I am walking through treacle most days and so breathless and tired,  which is not helped by the fact my children never seem to sleep and so neither can I.

A trip around the supermarket leaves me drained, I have to stop every aisle or so and find the energy to move on again. Walking my kids from the car to their classes and back leaves me feeling like I've run a mini-marathon.

Feeling like perhaps it wasn't such a smart idea to get pregnant so quickly after surrobaby 1 was born and that I'm now paying the price.

Yes it is another late night (currently 11:30pm) and I'm positive that is not helping my mood but pretty fed up currently and in the name of keeping things honest and real on my blogs, you unlucky readers get to listen to this mini-pity party.

And IPs, they try so hard to be sympathetic and 'get it' but how can they truly? They can veg of an evening, they can nap whenever they are able and wish to, they get to go to bed when they want and have an uninterrupted sleep, heck, they even get a lie-in if they desire - none of which are happening in my house. So forgive me if I'm a little resentful that I'm suffering sometimes 17 hours a day, (my kids do let me get some sleep), 7 days a week and my life is turned upside down, all the while doing something I will get nothing really out of and for others whose lives continue on as almost normal at the same time. Bit galling I am sure you can agree.

How many times can they ask me how I am, to hear me reply 'tired' every single time, without becoming a bit disinterested? Almost like it is just something I say, without true meaning. What I want to reply with is 'I am shattered, almost on my knees and not able to function properly tired. Do you understand how that feels?' but instead I settle for the 'I'm good, tired' staple answer instead.

OK, finally silence has descended over my household so I guess now I finally get to snatch a few hours rest - well inbetween the insomnia I always get when pregnant, appearance of heartburn, gnawing stomach pain and waking to pee almost every hour. Yay, lucky me.

2-for-1 Update

My darling middle child broke my laptop this past week and so it is being repaired, which means I am relying on my phone to access and update the blog - apologies therefore if it is shorter than I may like.

So, consultant appt last Friday went well and as expected. Most important news is that I don't need any blood thinning jabs, she would of liked to of at least put me on asprin but I'm allergic to it so that wasn't an option but apart from that it was just a standard, routine appointment. All fine with baby and I don't have to go back there until I am 32 weeks, for a scan and a chat with the consultant. That is the longest I have gone without seeing the hospital during a pregnancy, maybe that means they aren't too bothered about mine or baby's health this time around which is always a good thing!

I had my routine midwife appointment today and my IPs came down for that. It may seem a bit pointless to travel that distance for what was a 20 minute appointment but when you are distanced from your baby's progression like IPs are, these small moments and milestones are not to be missed. I love having my IPs involved in my pregnancies, the more I can do to involve them, the better!

All fine at this appointment today too, some ketones in my urine but I'm unwell with a chesty cold thing and so my appetite is not up to parr and also I did a huge amount of housework just before the appt and hadn't eaten so was just burning off more than I was consuming today - no big deal. I often have ketones in my urine in pregnancy though so no big deal there.

Apparently the Head of Midwifery at my delivery hospital wants to meet this pregnancy also. Despite having met her before last time and not anticipating any change in what they will offer me and IPs, I am happy to have the chance to meet with the team as it is important for my IPs to have their voice heard and hear first-hand what is available to them pre and post-delivery.

We don't see the midwife again until 28 weeks, when I will have bloods and my glucose tolerance test done but next up is our big anomoly scan on the 16th! Very excited for that of course.

Until then, just ticking off the weeks and enjoying cooking this baby for its very excited parents-to-be!

16 Weeks

I think it's time to start the 4 weekly bump pictures for this blog. Well when I say bump, I mean bump/bloat because I think there's a mixture of both going on currently. I've compared pics from my last pregnancy at this stage and I think I was a smidge smaller but not much and it's only been 8 months since I gave birth so there's going to be a bit of extra swelling and room for early stretching going on!

Feeling ok, tired and the low bp/low sugar/anaemia mix is kicking my behind still but I expect to feel sluggish and drained so it almost makes it bearable, in some weird twisted way.

I have my consultant appt at the hospital on Friday, just to discuss my blood clot risk more than anything and I expect not to be instructed to take the dreaded daily blood thinning jabs but I don't want to get too cocky, too soon because different consultants have different views on how to manage the risk so we'll quietly keep our fingers crossed for now.

Today I started college, I decided that if I can't go to university for another year (despite getting accepted) then I'll do something in the meantime to keep my brain ticking over and the course I'm taking seemed to fit in with my plans so I'm all enrolled and officially a student once again. I had a great day, my tutor is nice, my classmates friendly and they all seemed to think I'm some sort of angel for being a surrogate - one of my classmates said she had heard about surrogates but never met one and would be telling everyone she had now. It was sweet, she was so excited that she threatened to kiss me for being such an amazing woman. I just don't see it though, I truly don't see what I'm doing as anything super special. Yes unique perhaps and part of a select group of ladies that can do it but not an angel or anything even close. I took their compliments graciously of course and it's always nice to be recognised for what you've chosen to do but yes, I did feel a bit uncomfortable with all their gushing!

I'll be back Friday to update on the appt...

1:6197

That was the Nuchal result in the end, low risk so everything seems to be well on that score!

Nuchal Nerves

We ended up having our scan done by a lead consultant at the hospital, due to the twin thing but it threw me for a few minutes since I was expecting just to go to the ultrasound dept and have it done there. I do recall the ultrasound tech last pregnancy (which began as twins but losing one around 9 weeks) being unsure of what to do with regards to the blood test and scan or just the scan alone and having to seek advice from the consultant so I assume they simply just cut out that and have the experts do the whole thing instead.

It was a nice surprise to have the same consultant as when I had my first surrogate baby and he did remember me, which given how many ladies he sees, was good.

Scan went well, he did however seem to pull a lot of faces during it which panicked one of my IPs and made me a bit nervous. He said the scan looked fine and all in line with expectations but without the blood test, they can't say for sure and so I had that taken. We will either get a phone call in the next couple of days if it throws up high risk or a letter in the post within a week if it's not so we sit tight and keep everything crossed - which seems to be the pattern of this pregnancy so far!

Baby looked so much bigger than even 2 weeks ago and it was lovely to see it happy and snug in there. It was noted that my placenta was low, I know that that can be problematic but at this early stage there's no need to worry about it and we'll just see how it goes at my 20 week scan and take it from there if no change. He didn't say it was completely covering my cervix or even partially, just noted on the report that it was low.

The consultant surprised me by asking me after the scan if I was thinking 'of doing this again?' I stuttered that I wasn't sure, hadn't thought past this baby and that I would see and he gave me a small spiel about considering the risks, with having more than 5 babies and my increasing age. These were (are?) things I have thought about of course, which I told him - I thought about them when I was ttc my last surrogate baby infact, and I've certainly made no decisions one way or another and I appreciate he has to be the professional here and warn me but it felt a bit inappropriate at a scan appt, where we were anxious enough, to bring that up. Still, duly noted.

Sickness still bothering me daily but I continue to just get on with it and it isn't impacting much on my daily life so that's all good. My children went back to school (their new school, eek!) this week so that's given me some opportunity to slow down and rest during the day, especially as I am suffering again from insomnia which is driving me nuts.

We have our next midwife appt and consultant appt at the end of September so all will be pretty quiet between now and then, which I am certainly not complaining about!

Sick And Tired

Literally (and no, not figuratively - for those of you who read about the literally vs. figuratively debate that's been raging!) tired and sick but we're mere days away from being in the 2nd trimester! I can hardly believe it but I'm very happy to leave the drama and drag of the first trimester behind.

We have our Nuchal scan and test on Tuesday, my odds will be lower than if I were a traditional surrogate because the age of the egg donor is what matters and is calculated for this test, rather than my own. I recall seeing my odds creeping up with each pregnancy, as my age advanced (I'm now 34, after celebrating my birthday last weekend!) but with my surrogate baby, we weren't given actual odds because the twin was still present and is thought in that case to skew the blood tests results so we just had the neck thickness checked and were told it was within normal parameters. This time around, not only is it a young donor but the other baby has completely vanished so I assume I will have the combined blood/scan test and get a 1: statistic result.

It's the end of the school summer holidays here and I'm very much looking forward to being able to nap during the day once again. I must admit I've been more fortunate than a lot of parents because my mum took the oldest 2 for 4 of the 6 weeks of the holidays and they only just returned a couple of days ago but I'm still feeling shattered and had the youngest here to care for and amuse which meant zero nap opportunities.

I'm awaiting the blood test results from my booking in appointment, they should of been back by now but my doctor said they weren't and to check up with the midwife. Not expecting any abnormal results but really just want to know my iron levels because I expect those to be low and I need something to pick them back up and that will hopefully help me feel a bit more perkier.

My IPs told one side of the family last week and videoed the moment and shared it with me - it was so lovely, I kept hitting 'repeat' and grinning like a lunatic. It isn't just a couple you complete as a surrogate but an entire wide family network. I know it made it feel much more real for my IPs and baby was very much the talk of the holiday. The other side of the family will find out at the end of September because due to family holidays, they are not all available at one time until that point. As I told my IPs, it just means another excuse to celebrate all over again!

I dug my doppler out from my previous pregnancy and decided to try and find the heartbeat as a surprise for my IPs. I don't get worried when I can't find the heartbeat the first time around because there's a lot of variables riding on when you may find it and so wasn't concerned when for a week, I couldn't detect it but then at 11 odd weeks, I heard it and took a recording for them and sent it over and waited for the response....except they couldn't open the link and I was trying to be all casual about it, so as not to ruin the surprise, whilst trying not to burst! In the end, with some fiddling, I certainly knew they had then seen it! LOL. They were blown away, I love doing things like that for my IPs because it helps them to feel connected to their baby in a special way and makes it feel more real. Such a little thing for me to do, that means such a lot to them. It's also now nice for me to be able to get some reassurance in just a few seconds.

I'm having a lot of stretching pains this week, nothing scary and no cramping but rather just sharp pains in my lower sides when I least expect it but apart from that and of course feeling a bit crappy, I'm doing well. I'm now off of all meds and that feels fantastic, I keep seeing packets of them all over the house and for a split second freaking out that I've forgotten to take them and then I realise! LOL.

Looking into reducing my carbs and perhaps starting Slimming World but need to consult my midwife about that first. I am looking to just get healthier and feel healthier than I do now, not necessarily lose any weight. Feeling sluggish and I'm sure my diet isn't helping that.

I'll be back to update after our scan on Tuesday!

All Good!

1 beautiful baby, bouncing around and putting on a real show for its parents.

Measuring spot on 12 weeks and healthy and happy.

Phew, we made it!

And today, this blog is going public....Welcome to my new followers/readers.

That's Not Right!

My sickness has definitely increased within the past week or so, it's pretty bad now and I spend a good portion of my day feeling fed up. Almost 12 weeks and feeling like I should be cut a break with feeling awful but someone isn't listening to the rule book on that it seems!

I'm about to cut my meds down tomorrow, which I'm excited about of course but I know that my IPs are anxious. It has to be done though and the baby is completely self-sufficient in terms of hormone support now so there's no need to continue.

Have the scan on Thursday, which will be nice and IPs can have their pic to take off for the big family reveal which is very exciting for them and I can't wait to hear how it went!

I will also be doing my FB announcement, I wonder how it will be taken by everyone but I've nothing to feel ashamed about and anyone I find talking negatively will be removed. I have never understood how something so selfless and completely fantastic can elicit negativity, well apart from ignorance about how surrogacy works usually but it's not my job to deal with their lack of Google skills - the info is out there if they want to know.

Will be back with a scan update at the end of the week!

Updates

It's been a busy baby few days, with our scan and then the midwife appt today!

The scan showed what we thought it would - the smaller twin has now disappeared and the sac has already started to shrink and be reabsorbed but the other baby is right on target. It was the clearest scan I've had at this early stage, baby was moving all around and even waved, no lie. A real treat for my IP, the one who had opted to come in for the scan because this EPU do not allow more than 1 person in the room unfortunately.

We had to deal with a really grumpy nurse in the unit, they now give you photos but you're not meant to open them in the waiting room out of sensitivity for others who may not of had such a positive outcome, which we fully understand and respect. With that in mind, we went down a side corridor and out of view so my other IP could see the pictures, having sat for a nerve-wracking 10 minutes all alone in the waiting room worrying but were 'caught' by a nurse who told us off and actually made us all feel bad and there really was no need. After all, are we not allowed to enjoy the happy news? Is someone elses bad news more important than our good? And, let's not forget we had sad news too, we did just lose a baby and at 10 weeks....We did apologise nonetheless but felt she had been over the top in chastising us, it was even more gauling when you consider the tiny baby that was in the waiting room whilst everyone sat for their scan, including us - that lady wasn't told to think of others and ushered to a seperate room. I mean, it is a maternity hospital, there are pregnant ladies and babies everywhere.

Anyway, we just tried to forget that unfortunate incident during what was otherwise a lovely day and one that gave my IPs lots of much needed reassurance. They keep telling me that it's all more real suddenly, seeing what looked like a real baby and being so close to 12 weeks.

Today we had our midwife booking in appt, it was strange to see the same lovely midwife again and so soon but we all got on really well with her - my IPs really liked her as much as I already know I do and we got the official paperwork sorted and the ball rolling with regards to booking my hospital care since I will once again have consultant lead care this pregnancy - just as I have with all of them.

All seemed ok so far, apart from my blood pressure which was 80/40 so very low. My midwife said that apart from presenting a fainting risk and it making me feel rubbish, it isn't dangerous for me or baby and to just sit or lie down if I feel faint and always carry something to eat and drink with me. It also part explains why I am nauseous a lot apparently, low BP can cause that itself.

We have a private scan booked in 2 weeks time, when we will be exactly 12 weeks. My IPs booked this because they are going away on a massive family holiday and want to share their news with pictures but we can't be sure that our NHS dating scan will be around the same time.

I'm still feeling sick all day long, am exhausted and generally feeling rough but that's to be expected so we just plod onwards until the next scan.

Shattered

I am so tired and nauseous all day long, this pregnancy is really sucking the life out of me. For the most part I'm fine with that - signed up for it after all but other times, I just get pissed off with it. I think half the trouble is there's no first-time excitement to carry you through. Last time, it was 4 years since I was last pregnant and so it was all exciting and new almost, and of course I had never been a pregnant surrogate before so all the exciting things that come with that first time, help to balance out the crappier parts of pregnancy but this time, that's not the case.

I just want to start feeling a bit brighter, I want to get off these bloody medications and I want the bleeding/brown gunk stuff to give it a rest. I can't wait for our scan on Thursday either, where hopefully the twin vs. singleton drama will finally be resolved. I feel ill enough to believe there are still 2 in there but I know from last pregnancy, where I felt worse when 2 became 1, to not think that's a sign itself.

My IPs are good, excited as we eek closer to the magical 12 week mark. We also have our first midwife appt next week which they are eager to attend and get the care ball rolling. I just take it a day at a time and try to keep my stomach contents where they belong!

And again...

I've been absent longer than expected due to moving house and sick children and also no internet at the new place so stuck on expensive 3G so this post will be quick.

I had my scan Thursday and to my surprise, baby 2 had grown more and now has a heartbeat! Even the tech was surprised and couldn't explain it but baby 2 is still super small compared to baby 1 - who, btw, was on target and fine.

The nurse I saw after the scan was very meh about baby 2, explaining as they have to that it can go either way and warning me I may get bleeding or may not get any signs, if things do go wrong with the twin. I think she finds my reaction to things like this hard to figure out, since I am not emotional about it at all because it is not my baby/babies.

Anyway, IPs were thrilled with the unexpected news that baby 2 is hanging in there but are staying firmly grounded, which is just as well since tonight I started bleeding again. :(

Hoping it is just because I have overdone things tidying, unpacking and moving this past couple of days but of course the other potential reason is in my mind too unfortunately. My heart sank having to tell my IPs. We have been here before though and we came through fine and are having hope that the same happens this time but it is an anxious wait right now unfortunately.

It also has to happen the night before I am due to finally (after being delayed for one reason or another for 6 days now) leave to drive 13 hours each way go drop 2 of my children off with Nanny for a school holiday break. I really don't want to be far away from home, incase the worst happens but I cannot put the trip off any longer so go I will. I will probably get more chance to rest with the long drive and 2 children down anyway, than staying home and fretting.

So, please keep us in your thoughts. We are down to find ourselves dealing with this shit again - obviously remaining optimistic and we know the odds at this stage are in our favour but it is still worrisome to say the least.

Busy Bee

Sickness, tiredness and a general ugh feeling sums up how I am feeling right now. We have been in the middle of a heatwave here in the UK, it is the school summer holidays and I am in the middle of moving house so I'm sure all of that is contributing to how rubbish I'm feeling.

We are now 8 weeks and our follow-up scan is on Thursday - which also happens to be moving day and the day I'm driving 600 miles alone, with the children to drop 2 of them off with Nanny. Nothing if not a little mad, eh?!

Not much else to report pregnancy wise, just taking my meds and ticking off the weeks slowly but surely. My IPs are fine, starting to relax a bit and go with the flow which is all they can do at this stage.

I will be back to update findings on Thursday - at least we can finally put the twin thing to bed one way or another!

Crazy!

I decided to go for my follow up scan at the EPU after all, just felt it would be confirmation of what we'd been told on Friday and would wrap things up....

I was very upfront about the fact I'd had a private scan a few days before and it didn't seem to be a problem, the ultrasound tech was lovely, interested in the surrogacy set up and that kept the conversation flowing. She saw the healthy baby and showed me the heartbeat flickering away and said all looked fine.

Then she moved to the other sac and said that she could see a yolk sac - which was interesting because the tech on Friday said she couldn't. She also commented that 'it' was curled up close the wall and so that made seeing anything difficult but she didn't see any heart activity. She didn't say whether she saw an embryo or not.

As is usual, I had to wait for their report to be typed up and then I was seen by a doctor. Straight away I told her that we knew we'd lost the twin as there was no heartbeat and she looked surprised, almost as if to say that she didn't know that or agree with it. And then she said that she didn't feel comfortable saying we had definitely lost the twin as it was still very very early and things can change. It seems that there has been some growth of the gestational sac since my last scan, although it is still behind the living embryo. In her opinion, we should have another scan to see if there is any more growth in a week's time so that's what we're booked in for! Honestly, what a roller coaster, only 6 odd weeks and we are getting a true run for our money.

If I'm honest, I can't see how the outcome with change but I'm still hopeful none the less and my IPs are feeling pretty much the same, optimistic but realistic. I of course Googled and there's lots of info out there about others who've had the same scan results as us and there was a positive outcome and so there is still a chance but we'll stay grounded until we have something tangible to get excited about, on the score of the twin. Regardless, we are still very much thrilled with having one beating baby and nothing can detract from the excitement that that news has brought!

I'm feeling well, extreme tiredness has hit this past few days but it's been a heatwave here in the UK so that could at least part explain that, it's too hot to get any decent rest and I'm also trying to juggle a house move too which doesn't help things - my mind is constantly whirring.

So, please say a little something for us, that perhaps a miracle could happen and in a week, twin b has caught up and showing us some signs of life and I'll post after the scan with the verdict.

We Have A Heartbeat!

Just the one sadly but we have a heartbeat and nothing can bring down that amazing feeling!

The 2nd sac hasn't grown at all in 9 days and infact seems to of gone backwards because it no longer has a yolk sac but it is what it is and there are never any guarantees and we're all more than thrilled to be having a baby at all!

I did have a fleeting moment where I felt pissed off that yet again a twin hadn't progressed but this time it almost felt a bit easier, since it's not my egg and so I really and truly can attach no blame to myself at all for its failure to thrive. I soon gave myself a mental telling off for thinking such a thing in the first place, after all, everything was perfect, twins just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. And, in a 'looking for a silver lining' kind of way, it makes it that bit easier to now be carrying a singleton and the scary potential twin complications can be forgotten about.

Anyway, baby 1 is right on target and has a lovely heartbeat so the tech wasn't concerned at all, of course it is still very early days and we've another 6 weeks to go until we're safely into the next trimester but there is no reason to believe that anything will happen to that one.

The tech was lovely, she took her time and let my IPs take a video of the scan and some still pictures, she will also send some out in the post to us also as her printer on the machine wasn't the best so she plans to hook the pictures up to another and print them out for us. She was so sweet, very thorough.

The guys are over the moon, I know given the bleeding that they were anxious and so it was great that they could get that reassurance and see something tangible on the screen, rather than just some pregnancy tests to prove that there actually is a baby in there!

The tech advised that I still attend my NHS follow-up scan on Monday, just to follow-through with that paperwork and get it signed off and the guys left it up to me to decide if I wanted to go but they weren't bothered if I didn't. I will see how I feel on Monday, I just don't want them to close the case if I don't attend and it affect if I should (fingers crossed I won't though!) need to see them again. It probably won't but I will have a think over the weekend.

We all had a nice lunch afterwards to celebrate and catch up properly in person and my hubby joined us for that so that made it even lovelier. It was great to spend time with the other IF who I haven't spent a lot of time with up to date because it was the other who I went to the clinic with - I think this scan was especially important for him because up until now, I suspect he's felt on the outside of the process until this point.

All in all it was a special day and I think we all came away able to breathe a little easier afterwards. Now we just keep everything crossed and take it week by week as we edge closer to the all important 12 week mark.

We're Clear

All is quiet again and clear on the bleeding/spotting front, now been almost 2 days and nothing. Phew, very much a relief. It did scare me since I've never experienced anything like it before but we swapped (again) which way I administered the Cyclogest meds and it appears that that has made a difference so we're pretty certain it was irritating my poor cervix.

We are all quietly breathing a sigh of relief and hoping that this continues, it's been a tense week to be honest and we've all felt on edge but as the week wore on, we equally felt that if anything scary was going to happen then it would of by now. I think we all jaded ourselves a bit from researching on the internet but it was useful to see what others had experienced. My IF also spoke to the specialist pharmacist who supplies the prescription meds from Czech, to UK patients and oddly enough he and his wife also went to the same clinic we did and have twins - she experienced a lot of bleeding too so it was nice to be able to get some first hand experience and advice from someone who really has btdt and had a happy ending.

Our follow up EPU scan is for next Monday but one of my IPs is having some trouble getting some time off work and so we decided to rearrange it with a private clinic for Friday. We all know it may be too early to see a heartbeat or 2 but hopefully if nothing else, we can see appropriate fetal growth at the very least and that will be reassuring regardless. I think we're all a bit anxious, certainly I am given what happened last time with twins but I've nothing to suggest anything bad has happened so I'm keeping optimistic but realistic, once we see those heartbeats then the risk of miscarriage falls dramatically and continues to drop every week thereafter that passes. We are currently just taking it one day at a time and limping from one milestone to the next, until we hit that all important 12 weeks.

So we're happier than this time last week and feeling excited for our upcoming scan, barr any major events, I'll be back with an update after that. Please keep everything crossed for us!

Scared

Woke up to light red blood this morning and instantly felt pissed off. Why is this happening? Ha, that is the impossible question to answer.

We spoke to the EPU who said that unless there was a significant change in amount etc then there is nothing further they can do, which we understand. From their point of view, the scan yesterday was perfect.

IF spoke to the clinic for advice and the nurse didn't seem at all concerned but said to use an extra pessary and an extra estrogen tablet a day. She also said I should use the pessaries vaginally and so I have switched back. We wonder if the discharge has always been red but using the pessaries vaginally, until yesterday, was diluting the blood colour as the wax of the meds comes back out after a while and would mix with any bleeding.

I think it is one of those things, it will rumble on through the whole 12 weeks and we either learn to accept it and chill out or we will drive ourselves completely crazy. After all, worrying will solve nothing anyway.

Speaking to others for some reassurance, they confirmed what I already knew about it being more common to bleed with a gs pregnancy than not. A quick search of Google shows that almost all ladies in my situation experience bleeding and pain but it is so hard to quantify - how much did they bleed? Was it more or less than what I am experiencing? Questions that there is no simple or single one-size-fits-all answer for.

So, we remain optimistic since we have nothing else to tell us otherwise and keep everything crossed. I will be glad when I can leave these meds behind completely but that is still another 7 weeks away and that seems a scarily long way off yet.

IPs have been great, so supportive but they are also realistic and should the worst happen, I believe they are prepared and there will be no hysteria and no blame placed at my feet. I can't fault them, I have lucked out with this match.

I keep telling myself I have an excellent fertility track record - 4 pregnancies, 4 babies and number 5 will be no different. Everything has been too perfect for it not to work out this time too.

Positive thinking!!

Wowsers!

Last night I had pretty much convinced myself that the pregnancy was doomed - I had nearly continuous light pink discharge and pain and my mood was low, I was sure none of this meant good news. I'd decided last night that we needed to know something so I would see my GP today for a referral to the EPU.

With the referral paperwork in hand, I headed to the EPU and expected just a quick chat with the nurse practitioner and some blood work but my GP asked me to go to the other hospital's EPU - where I live we are served by 2 major hospitals, 1 with an EPU I used last time, with my surrogate baby and the other where I've delivered all my babies and I went to their EPU when pregnant with my own children. This time I went to the latter but expected the same treatment.

Imagine my surprise then when the nurse told me I would definitely have a scan! I was worried about what it may (or may not, given how early pregnant I am) show but also I felt bad that my IPs, thinking as I did that there would be no scan, would miss the first milestone scan. It had to be done though so with some trepidation I entered the scanning room. The ultrasound tech was lovely, genuinely warm and interested in my unique situation and our chatting helped calm my nerves a little whilst she did the preliminary look around my insides.

Imagine my even bigger surprise when she told me she saw 2 in there!! Yes, twins! I had the biggest grin on my face by that point. I believed we had lost the pregnancy we knew there must be, let alone expect to see a 2nd one in there.

The tech checked them out, they both had a yolk sac and a gestational sac so not a blighted ovum so that was one sigh of relief. Both appear to be on track for my dates too. Naturally there was no heartbeat on either at this point but that is perfectly correct for my gestation so I felt no worry at that and the tech told me not to fret at all.

They didn't see any reason for the bleeding but the nurse I saw after my scan told me that it's possible it was implantation bleeding/old implantation blood, could be these flipping pessaries irritating my cervix (which Google seems to tell me is very very common for ladies taking them) or just one of those things. She sent off a urine sample just to check whether I have an infection somewhere that could explain at least the pains I've also had but we don't think it will show up anything.

We've done some research on the internet and concluded that using the pessaries, rectally, could well completely eliminate the cervical irritation, if that's what's the cause of this spotting and it's absorbed just as well so we're switched to that method from today. Not pleasant but if it stops any more scares then I'm on it! Surrogacy is oh so glamorous once again!

I'm to relax as much as I can now and just wait a re-scan in 12 days time, we at least know that I'm pregnant, there's no reason why both babies won't continue to grow as expected and thrive and there's nothing more we can do but sit tight and be optimistic so that's what we're doing - well, that and processing the initial shock of the news. How fantastic that once again, I've got pregnant with twins! I just hope and pray for a better outcome than last pregnancy, where we lost one at 9 weeks but what will be, will be.

Stay tuned!

Not Again

Another episode of spotting today unfortunately, I had some brown/light pink mucus type gunk (aren't you glad I am the sharing type?!) earlier and although it was a one time deal, it still made my stomach drop like a lead weight.

I know I scraped myself when inserting my morning pessary so it's entirely feasible that it was that blood coming out much later in the day, I hope that's it anyway.

I also have a sore uterus which combined with the gunk made me worry a bit but actually, I also have a bit of an upset tummy today too so perhaps it's not uterus pain but rather bowel pain which is irritating the whole area. Nope, I'm not going to think negative today, I've had spotting as I said with almost all of my pregnancies and it's been nothing and this will be the same.

Having to tell my IPs once again was crappy but it had to be done, I'm always entirely open and honest with my couples, even about the scary and potentially bad stuff because we're in it together - all of it. They panicked immediately, which of course they would but I tried to be as reassuring as possible and calm them down.

I've e-mailed the clinic doctor, just for some reassurance that we're not not doing something we could to stop any spotting but I'm pretty sure, like last time, he will just say to rest, relax and not panic. Well, what else can we do? I did mention to my IPs that I will try and get to the Early Pregnancy Unit tomorrow but it all depends on what else I've got going on tomorrow and whether the GP will refer me or not, I wonder if a blood test or 2 may help put all our minds at ease so we'll see if we can get that.

For now, I'm keeping calm and positive, feet up and I've had an extra pessary to stop anything potentially getting worse and will see what the EPU say I should do about continuing that or not tomorrow.

I took a digital test today and was hoping to see a 3+, despite being only 14dp5dt so the equivalent of 19dpo so that I could send it to my IPs and it may of reassured them the pregnancy was progressing at the very least but annoyingly it came up with 2-3 still - which is entirely correct given where I am in the pregnancy but wasn't a welcome sight really. I took another First Response test though and that was much darker than ever before so at least that was something nice to send them.

Ironically I booked our first appointment with the midwife today and had only just sent that exciting info to my IPs when I then found the spotting and brought them back down to Earth with a bump (no pun intended). Ugh. You can't make it up but I refuse to think any way other than positive and optimistic, this baby/babies are just giving us a run for our money and ensuring that they keep the focus firmly on them!

Nasty Nausea

As if spotting wasn't bad enough, I had my first experience of severe nausea. I'm phobic about vomiting (emetophobia, to give it its correct term) and have prescribed medication always to hand to stop me actually being sick. Only trouble is those meds, like most, are not safe during pregnancy. :(

Thankfully I have the meds prescribed to me during my last pregnancy and know they work and so took them instead. It was a rocky hour and a half until they kicked in but I am feeling much better now. I have my anti-sickness accupressure bands on and they seem to be helping a bit too.

It means at least there is a healthy bean (or 2!) in there I suppose.

Nothing further to report with regards to the spotting, which is a relief. What a flipping day though!

Try Not To Panic!

Putting it here to keep myself from worrying...

Found 3 very very small spots of blood when I used the bathroom earlier. They were teeny tiny but the fact remains that there was blood, I'm obviously hoping it's come from other areas down there but can't know that. Add in that I am cramping and of course I'm a bit nervous.

It's a watch and wait thing, I can't do anything because I'm too early for a scan and my local Early Pregnancy Clinic would only take bloods to see if my hormones were rising and infact, that wouldn't happen until Monday as they were only open until 11am anyway, unless it were a true emergency. Besides, what good would going do? They can't tell me it's all going to be ok, even with a perfect scan and great blood results, it guarantees nothing.

I'm positive that it will be fine, I even had spotting with all 4 previous pregnancies and all was fine in the end, and so it will be this time also.

Deep breaths...My good friend R is talking me down, I would truly be lost without her.

Successful BBT Chart

I decided to keep up with charting my temp, even though I knew it may throw me off because of the meds I'm on and the fact it's not a natural cycle but surprisingly, it was pretty accurate and interesting to watch unfold.

Anxieties

It is amazing how quickly the nerves set in once pregnant. I recall being this anxious with my first surrogate baby but the intensity of my fears feels stronger this time around. I think perhaps because of the time and effort put in to make a gestational baby is a bit more.

Nothing to base my worries on, just the usual first trimester ones. My hpt addiction is a little over the top currently but if it keeps me calmer for even a day then it is worth it.
 

Hpts are a nightmare though, so many choices and so much variation in quality. I had a bumper pack of 30 cheap Internet dipstick type tests and every one has been faint or almost non-existent. I even compared a First Response Early Result test (which is the most recommended one by almost everyone who ever peed on a plastic stick) and the cheap dipstick was shown up as even more rubbish when I put it next to my blaring positive First Response test.

I had to try the Clearblue Digital tests, with conception indicator. All ladies who are ttc love those as they flash up approx. how many weeks past conception you are - based on your hormone levels. Only one problem, all pregnancies develop differently and hormone levels can fluctuate so much one day to the next and this can affect the resulting reading on a Clearblue Digital test.

I took my first one at 9dpo and got a 1-2 weeks result and then on 12dpo, I took another and was disappointed to still see a 1-2 weeks pop up. Dumb when you think that it is completely correct, I know I am only 7 days past fertilisation so of course 1-2 week is correct but in my hormonally anxious mind, I couldn't stop thinking anything other than this meant bad news - it wasn't increasing as I had hoped it would. Thankfully my very good (and sane!) friend, R, who had a similar encounter with these tests talked me down and I am somewhat calmer this evening. I will just be happy when we get that first scan done and see a heartbeat, or perhaps 2!?

Daddies-to-be are as thrilled as ever and it is only now beginning to sink in. It well and truly hit me when I woke this morning almost dry heaving, yep, I am having a baby alright!

Words Don't Lie!

Look What We Have!

I had an inclination we may of hit the jackpot a few days ago, the cramps, heightened sense of smell, the way I kept waking up on my back and the nausea all clued me in but I didn't dare believe that perhaps we could be so lucky as to have it work first time!

The guys had said that they wanted to wait until 10 days past transfer for me to test - that way they would know the result was true. I was always going to test today and they knew that but I think them realising last night that my testing day was today and I may know one way or another swayed them and they asked to find out too.

They actually went on holiday to Greece today, it is the last time off they have together until Christmas and after the whirlwind past week, they both felt they needed some downtime and so I was to test and they would call this afternoon for the news.

Early afternoon and the call came, I could barely contain myself all morning after the test showed +++ in the early hours but I did and when I delivered the good news, there was not a dry eye. I have never heard a more shocked or excited response and it makes me grin just recalling it! Love this part of surrogacy so so much.

We are all still in a state of shock this evening but it is so fantastic. Who would of imagined that we could get so lucky as to fall pregnant first time around but it does soothe some of the feelings I carry from the length of time it took to get pregnant with my traditional surrogacy baby.

The tests are dark for this early in my pregnancy - twins? Maybe, I guess we will tell in time but something makes me think so. My tests with twins last time weren't this dark this early so I do wonder. Whatever the outcome, we are basking in this moment and enjoying the here and now. We're pregnant!

Trip Tales

Here I am, home safe and ready to update. It may be a bit short because my laptop got accidentally broken and so I'm typing on a tiny phone screen.

Anyway, so I'm now 2dp5dt (2 days past a 5 day transfer).

We had a good enough flight out and the hotel was surprisingly lovely, definitely a nice base for us. It was central and we enjoyed the air-conditioning particularly, given it hit almost 40 Celsius for almost our entire stay.

We didn't have an embryo update for day 4, they tend not to tell you as nothing really changes and anyway we decided that we didn't want to know since regardless we were there and we would be having transfer. We took the time to sit and drink whilst people watching from the street cafes instead!

IF and I had lots of time to talk and get to know each other better, it really was nice because we had only met once but spoken more on Facebook etc so being forced to get to know each other on the trip was a good thing. I probably learnt more about them, and vice versa, than simply meeting for insems for example.

Tuesday was transfer day, I felt surprisingly calm really, I think it just felt surreal more than anything. I know both IPs were feeling the pressure though and I wished I could of shared that load but thought that staying calm was probably more helpful anyway.

We were shown to the consultation room and immediately were told to relax because it was good news. We had 4 suitable embies. 2 were hatching blasts, which are excellent and top grade. We had 2 blasts, 1 morula (which is the step before blast stage) and the remaining 2 embryos were not suitable for anything. The Dr went through her check questions and asked us if we wanted 1 or 2 put back and we said 2 immediately. With that, she said her nurse would show us to the room and she would be with us to do the transfer shortly.

A kind nurse showed us to the appropriate room, I was told to undress my bottom half and IF had to put some plastic shoe covers on his feet and then the nurse had me climb onto the couch, telling me to 'relax and listen to the music' that was playing in the background. It was pan pipe music, which made us both laugh but a nice touch nonetheless.

It was then that we saw the embies on a screen, on a wall in the room. Wow, both of us were in awe and grinning like lunatics. IF snapped a pic for M so he could include him in the whole experience. He also took a video of the room and equipment, not wanting his partner to miss a moment, despite the miles between us all.

The Dr came in and asked me to scoot down the bed and put my legs in stirrups and explained what she was doing as the nurse was looking m ultrasound at my uterus, to help guide the Dr to transfer the embies into the right place. I honestly didn't notice the transfer, felt nothing and the most uncomfortable bit was the necessary speculum that is used. It was only when the Dr pointed out the white dot now in my womb, that I realised it was done!

The Dr and nurse started to get me more comfortable, whilst the embryologist checked the catheter to check both embryos had been expelled. A lot of chuckles and the word 'no!?' spoken and we were told one embryo was still in the tube so we had to do it again to transfer that one! The Dr joked that it only happened a couple of times a year so this one must be strong and would cause us trouble.

Again, no pain and didn't notice anything. The Dr shook my hand and said good luck for our positive pregnancy test. I'm sure she says that to every patient but she seemed so enthusiastic and positive that it wasn't hard to feel positive ourselves.

I was then told to lie quiet and relax for 15 minutes and the nurse would be back after to get me. Everyone was so kind and efficient, we had been seen and had transfer and all before our official appointment time.

IF took more pictures - of us, of the ultrasound screen with embies, of the rest of the room and we laughed and relaxed together, unable to quite believe that such a monumental moment had just occurred and it all seemed so pleasant and not at all awkward.

Our nurse did return and I got dressed and we were escorted out to pay for the treatment, even given a free hpt too which was a nice touch.

Once out in the scorching heat, IF sent the pics and spoke to M, who was anxiously awaiting an update and who was at work. Upon viewing the embie pics and speaking to IF and hearing all went well, he promptly fainted! Poor poor M - we definitely weren't alone in feeling the intense anxiety and elation at a great transfer, it seems!

We grabbed a taxi (receptionist even called one, whilst we waited in the air-conditioned building) and headed back to our hotel. Bit of an annoyance when realising my phone was on the seat in reception and so a swift 2nd journey in the taxi to retrieve it (oops!) and we were back to people watching, whilst we sat under the shade of a street cafe once again.

Next day and we flew home, slightly delayed and flight a bit bumpy but fine and the end of that chapter was over. We were drained from the stress and build up and physically shattered from the travelling and the heat but very excited for the start of our countdown until testing!

Clinic say to wait 10 days, I will wait 5 days before beginning to test. Nervous but feeling very positive, the odds are in our favour so everything crossed.

We got the news today that 2 remaining embies were suitable and have been frozen and that was a lovely rounding off to our jaunt to Brno.