And again...

I've been absent longer than expected due to moving house and sick children and also no internet at the new place so stuck on expensive 3G so this post will be quick.

I had my scan Thursday and to my surprise, baby 2 had grown more and now has a heartbeat! Even the tech was surprised and couldn't explain it but baby 2 is still super small compared to baby 1 - who, btw, was on target and fine.

The nurse I saw after the scan was very meh about baby 2, explaining as they have to that it can go either way and warning me I may get bleeding or may not get any signs, if things do go wrong with the twin. I think she finds my reaction to things like this hard to figure out, since I am not emotional about it at all because it is not my baby/babies.

Anyway, IPs were thrilled with the unexpected news that baby 2 is hanging in there but are staying firmly grounded, which is just as well since tonight I started bleeding again. :(

Hoping it is just because I have overdone things tidying, unpacking and moving this past couple of days but of course the other potential reason is in my mind too unfortunately. My heart sank having to tell my IPs. We have been here before though and we came through fine and are having hope that the same happens this time but it is an anxious wait right now unfortunately.

It also has to happen the night before I am due to finally (after being delayed for one reason or another for 6 days now) leave to drive 13 hours each way go drop 2 of my children off with Nanny for a school holiday break. I really don't want to be far away from home, incase the worst happens but I cannot put the trip off any longer so go I will. I will probably get more chance to rest with the long drive and 2 children down anyway, than staying home and fretting.

So, please keep us in your thoughts. We are down to find ourselves dealing with this shit again - obviously remaining optimistic and we know the odds at this stage are in our favour but it is still worrisome to say the least.

Busy Bee

Sickness, tiredness and a general ugh feeling sums up how I am feeling right now. We have been in the middle of a heatwave here in the UK, it is the school summer holidays and I am in the middle of moving house so I'm sure all of that is contributing to how rubbish I'm feeling.

We are now 8 weeks and our follow-up scan is on Thursday - which also happens to be moving day and the day I'm driving 600 miles alone, with the children to drop 2 of them off with Nanny. Nothing if not a little mad, eh?!

Not much else to report pregnancy wise, just taking my meds and ticking off the weeks slowly but surely. My IPs are fine, starting to relax a bit and go with the flow which is all they can do at this stage.

I will be back to update findings on Thursday - at least we can finally put the twin thing to bed one way or another!

Crazy!

I decided to go for my follow up scan at the EPU after all, just felt it would be confirmation of what we'd been told on Friday and would wrap things up....

I was very upfront about the fact I'd had a private scan a few days before and it didn't seem to be a problem, the ultrasound tech was lovely, interested in the surrogacy set up and that kept the conversation flowing. She saw the healthy baby and showed me the heartbeat flickering away and said all looked fine.

Then she moved to the other sac and said that she could see a yolk sac - which was interesting because the tech on Friday said she couldn't. She also commented that 'it' was curled up close the wall and so that made seeing anything difficult but she didn't see any heart activity. She didn't say whether she saw an embryo or not.

As is usual, I had to wait for their report to be typed up and then I was seen by a doctor. Straight away I told her that we knew we'd lost the twin as there was no heartbeat and she looked surprised, almost as if to say that she didn't know that or agree with it. And then she said that she didn't feel comfortable saying we had definitely lost the twin as it was still very very early and things can change. It seems that there has been some growth of the gestational sac since my last scan, although it is still behind the living embryo. In her opinion, we should have another scan to see if there is any more growth in a week's time so that's what we're booked in for! Honestly, what a roller coaster, only 6 odd weeks and we are getting a true run for our money.

If I'm honest, I can't see how the outcome with change but I'm still hopeful none the less and my IPs are feeling pretty much the same, optimistic but realistic. I of course Googled and there's lots of info out there about others who've had the same scan results as us and there was a positive outcome and so there is still a chance but we'll stay grounded until we have something tangible to get excited about, on the score of the twin. Regardless, we are still very much thrilled with having one beating baby and nothing can detract from the excitement that that news has brought!

I'm feeling well, extreme tiredness has hit this past few days but it's been a heatwave here in the UK so that could at least part explain that, it's too hot to get any decent rest and I'm also trying to juggle a house move too which doesn't help things - my mind is constantly whirring.

So, please say a little something for us, that perhaps a miracle could happen and in a week, twin b has caught up and showing us some signs of life and I'll post after the scan with the verdict.

We Have A Heartbeat!

Just the one sadly but we have a heartbeat and nothing can bring down that amazing feeling!

The 2nd sac hasn't grown at all in 9 days and infact seems to of gone backwards because it no longer has a yolk sac but it is what it is and there are never any guarantees and we're all more than thrilled to be having a baby at all!

I did have a fleeting moment where I felt pissed off that yet again a twin hadn't progressed but this time it almost felt a bit easier, since it's not my egg and so I really and truly can attach no blame to myself at all for its failure to thrive. I soon gave myself a mental telling off for thinking such a thing in the first place, after all, everything was perfect, twins just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. And, in a 'looking for a silver lining' kind of way, it makes it that bit easier to now be carrying a singleton and the scary potential twin complications can be forgotten about.

Anyway, baby 1 is right on target and has a lovely heartbeat so the tech wasn't concerned at all, of course it is still very early days and we've another 6 weeks to go until we're safely into the next trimester but there is no reason to believe that anything will happen to that one.

The tech was lovely, she took her time and let my IPs take a video of the scan and some still pictures, she will also send some out in the post to us also as her printer on the machine wasn't the best so she plans to hook the pictures up to another and print them out for us. She was so sweet, very thorough.

The guys are over the moon, I know given the bleeding that they were anxious and so it was great that they could get that reassurance and see something tangible on the screen, rather than just some pregnancy tests to prove that there actually is a baby in there!

The tech advised that I still attend my NHS follow-up scan on Monday, just to follow-through with that paperwork and get it signed off and the guys left it up to me to decide if I wanted to go but they weren't bothered if I didn't. I will see how I feel on Monday, I just don't want them to close the case if I don't attend and it affect if I should (fingers crossed I won't though!) need to see them again. It probably won't but I will have a think over the weekend.

We all had a nice lunch afterwards to celebrate and catch up properly in person and my hubby joined us for that so that made it even lovelier. It was great to spend time with the other IF who I haven't spent a lot of time with up to date because it was the other who I went to the clinic with - I think this scan was especially important for him because up until now, I suspect he's felt on the outside of the process until this point.

All in all it was a special day and I think we all came away able to breathe a little easier afterwards. Now we just keep everything crossed and take it week by week as we edge closer to the all important 12 week mark.

We're Clear

All is quiet again and clear on the bleeding/spotting front, now been almost 2 days and nothing. Phew, very much a relief. It did scare me since I've never experienced anything like it before but we swapped (again) which way I administered the Cyclogest meds and it appears that that has made a difference so we're pretty certain it was irritating my poor cervix.

We are all quietly breathing a sigh of relief and hoping that this continues, it's been a tense week to be honest and we've all felt on edge but as the week wore on, we equally felt that if anything scary was going to happen then it would of by now. I think we all jaded ourselves a bit from researching on the internet but it was useful to see what others had experienced. My IF also spoke to the specialist pharmacist who supplies the prescription meds from Czech, to UK patients and oddly enough he and his wife also went to the same clinic we did and have twins - she experienced a lot of bleeding too so it was nice to be able to get some first hand experience and advice from someone who really has btdt and had a happy ending.

Our follow up EPU scan is for next Monday but one of my IPs is having some trouble getting some time off work and so we decided to rearrange it with a private clinic for Friday. We all know it may be too early to see a heartbeat or 2 but hopefully if nothing else, we can see appropriate fetal growth at the very least and that will be reassuring regardless. I think we're all a bit anxious, certainly I am given what happened last time with twins but I've nothing to suggest anything bad has happened so I'm keeping optimistic but realistic, once we see those heartbeats then the risk of miscarriage falls dramatically and continues to drop every week thereafter that passes. We are currently just taking it one day at a time and limping from one milestone to the next, until we hit that all important 12 weeks.

So we're happier than this time last week and feeling excited for our upcoming scan, barr any major events, I'll be back with an update after that. Please keep everything crossed for us!

Scared

Woke up to light red blood this morning and instantly felt pissed off. Why is this happening? Ha, that is the impossible question to answer.

We spoke to the EPU who said that unless there was a significant change in amount etc then there is nothing further they can do, which we understand. From their point of view, the scan yesterday was perfect.

IF spoke to the clinic for advice and the nurse didn't seem at all concerned but said to use an extra pessary and an extra estrogen tablet a day. She also said I should use the pessaries vaginally and so I have switched back. We wonder if the discharge has always been red but using the pessaries vaginally, until yesterday, was diluting the blood colour as the wax of the meds comes back out after a while and would mix with any bleeding.

I think it is one of those things, it will rumble on through the whole 12 weeks and we either learn to accept it and chill out or we will drive ourselves completely crazy. After all, worrying will solve nothing anyway.

Speaking to others for some reassurance, they confirmed what I already knew about it being more common to bleed with a gs pregnancy than not. A quick search of Google shows that almost all ladies in my situation experience bleeding and pain but it is so hard to quantify - how much did they bleed? Was it more or less than what I am experiencing? Questions that there is no simple or single one-size-fits-all answer for.

So, we remain optimistic since we have nothing else to tell us otherwise and keep everything crossed. I will be glad when I can leave these meds behind completely but that is still another 7 weeks away and that seems a scarily long way off yet.

IPs have been great, so supportive but they are also realistic and should the worst happen, I believe they are prepared and there will be no hysteria and no blame placed at my feet. I can't fault them, I have lucked out with this match.

I keep telling myself I have an excellent fertility track record - 4 pregnancies, 4 babies and number 5 will be no different. Everything has been too perfect for it not to work out this time too.

Positive thinking!!

Wowsers!

Last night I had pretty much convinced myself that the pregnancy was doomed - I had nearly continuous light pink discharge and pain and my mood was low, I was sure none of this meant good news. I'd decided last night that we needed to know something so I would see my GP today for a referral to the EPU.

With the referral paperwork in hand, I headed to the EPU and expected just a quick chat with the nurse practitioner and some blood work but my GP asked me to go to the other hospital's EPU - where I live we are served by 2 major hospitals, 1 with an EPU I used last time, with my surrogate baby and the other where I've delivered all my babies and I went to their EPU when pregnant with my own children. This time I went to the latter but expected the same treatment.

Imagine my surprise then when the nurse told me I would definitely have a scan! I was worried about what it may (or may not, given how early pregnant I am) show but also I felt bad that my IPs, thinking as I did that there would be no scan, would miss the first milestone scan. It had to be done though so with some trepidation I entered the scanning room. The ultrasound tech was lovely, genuinely warm and interested in my unique situation and our chatting helped calm my nerves a little whilst she did the preliminary look around my insides.

Imagine my even bigger surprise when she told me she saw 2 in there!! Yes, twins! I had the biggest grin on my face by that point. I believed we had lost the pregnancy we knew there must be, let alone expect to see a 2nd one in there.

The tech checked them out, they both had a yolk sac and a gestational sac so not a blighted ovum so that was one sigh of relief. Both appear to be on track for my dates too. Naturally there was no heartbeat on either at this point but that is perfectly correct for my gestation so I felt no worry at that and the tech told me not to fret at all.

They didn't see any reason for the bleeding but the nurse I saw after my scan told me that it's possible it was implantation bleeding/old implantation blood, could be these flipping pessaries irritating my cervix (which Google seems to tell me is very very common for ladies taking them) or just one of those things. She sent off a urine sample just to check whether I have an infection somewhere that could explain at least the pains I've also had but we don't think it will show up anything.

We've done some research on the internet and concluded that using the pessaries, rectally, could well completely eliminate the cervical irritation, if that's what's the cause of this spotting and it's absorbed just as well so we're switched to that method from today. Not pleasant but if it stops any more scares then I'm on it! Surrogacy is oh so glamorous once again!

I'm to relax as much as I can now and just wait a re-scan in 12 days time, we at least know that I'm pregnant, there's no reason why both babies won't continue to grow as expected and thrive and there's nothing more we can do but sit tight and be optimistic so that's what we're doing - well, that and processing the initial shock of the news. How fantastic that once again, I've got pregnant with twins! I just hope and pray for a better outcome than last pregnancy, where we lost one at 9 weeks but what will be, will be.

Stay tuned!

Not Again

Another episode of spotting today unfortunately, I had some brown/light pink mucus type gunk (aren't you glad I am the sharing type?!) earlier and although it was a one time deal, it still made my stomach drop like a lead weight.

I know I scraped myself when inserting my morning pessary so it's entirely feasible that it was that blood coming out much later in the day, I hope that's it anyway.

I also have a sore uterus which combined with the gunk made me worry a bit but actually, I also have a bit of an upset tummy today too so perhaps it's not uterus pain but rather bowel pain which is irritating the whole area. Nope, I'm not going to think negative today, I've had spotting as I said with almost all of my pregnancies and it's been nothing and this will be the same.

Having to tell my IPs once again was crappy but it had to be done, I'm always entirely open and honest with my couples, even about the scary and potentially bad stuff because we're in it together - all of it. They panicked immediately, which of course they would but I tried to be as reassuring as possible and calm them down.

I've e-mailed the clinic doctor, just for some reassurance that we're not not doing something we could to stop any spotting but I'm pretty sure, like last time, he will just say to rest, relax and not panic. Well, what else can we do? I did mention to my IPs that I will try and get to the Early Pregnancy Unit tomorrow but it all depends on what else I've got going on tomorrow and whether the GP will refer me or not, I wonder if a blood test or 2 may help put all our minds at ease so we'll see if we can get that.

For now, I'm keeping calm and positive, feet up and I've had an extra pessary to stop anything potentially getting worse and will see what the EPU say I should do about continuing that or not tomorrow.

I took a digital test today and was hoping to see a 3+, despite being only 14dp5dt so the equivalent of 19dpo so that I could send it to my IPs and it may of reassured them the pregnancy was progressing at the very least but annoyingly it came up with 2-3 still - which is entirely correct given where I am in the pregnancy but wasn't a welcome sight really. I took another First Response test though and that was much darker than ever before so at least that was something nice to send them.

Ironically I booked our first appointment with the midwife today and had only just sent that exciting info to my IPs when I then found the spotting and brought them back down to Earth with a bump (no pun intended). Ugh. You can't make it up but I refuse to think any way other than positive and optimistic, this baby/babies are just giving us a run for our money and ensuring that they keep the focus firmly on them!