5am

And it seems a perfect time to blog! LOL. I can't sleep as my oldest is not well and up and down and so I'm awake anyway and of course have things to say about Monday's news.

It is more positive though, I had a pretty down day yesterday where I was consumed by negativity and just couldn't see how this would ever end well and obviously, as we all do, did far too much googling - which never ends well. It culminated in talking to B (IF) and having a bit of a mini meltdown at him, which he took in good grace and instead of giving me as much negativity and emotion back, which he would of been in his rights to do, he listened and we talked things through. I can't say at the time of the call, I was any further reassured or happy but just getting it off my chest helped me.

I decided to go back to Google and visit 'positive placenta previa stories' instead this time though and instantly found some uplifting experiences ladies have had, even with dire beginnings. Yay, not all doom and gloom!

I'm definitely feeling calmer currently, which may or may not last, we will see. One thread I read said that when you first hear low placenta at a scan and especially if you find out after unexpected and scary looking bleeding that you go into what she termed the 'shock and discovery stage', where you Google everything, scare yourself witless, stew and end up depressing yourself with the horror stories and then you come to terms with it slowly after that. I think that was immensely encouraging to read - that I'm not simply being a Debbie Downer, that this is scary times and what I'm feeling is normal and completely valid. I know it may seem an over-reaction to some reading my post yesterday and everyone seems to know someone who has had PP and it turned out fine but when you get the news, when you are actually pregnant and could potentially lose that baby, maybe lose your reproductive organs or even your life and add in that it isn't even your baby but one you have been entrusted to safely bake and deliver....well yeah, I dare you to behave or think much differently at the beginning.

Anyway, so yes I feel a bit happier and more optimistic today. Our plan is not to worry until the official big scan next week where we will get the official grade on what we are dealing with exactly and we also will ask to see a consultant to ask their opinion on things and take it from there. Baby steps, not panicking until we have to is the mantra for now.

Plenty of women have bleeding and a complete placenta previa, the dreaded grade 4 and yet it moves and they are taken off high risk status, complete bedrest is revoked and they go on to have a natural birth. There is no reason that can't be me. No reason.

I read many scary statistics during my time infront of the laptop screen, about 10-25% of babies dying when the mum has PP etc. During my more positive reading yesterday however, I read on the flip side that one half of 1% of ladies die with PP and 9 out of 10 babies survive a PP birth. See, for every negative, you can find a positive - it is just looking hard enough.

I'm still bleeding a small and sporadic amount, again that is a positive compared to Monday's scary stuff and so trying to take it easier. I can't help but wonder if that was caused by lifting 2 of my sleeping and therefore heavy children very late Sunday night - one is 5, the other is 7 so no shrinking violets, and no, there will be no repeat obviously but when I did it, I didn't think twice. I've read that the bleeding has no pattern, it can last for a minute or it can go on for days, you can spot/bleed/spot or bleed/stop/bleed and there is no rhyme nor reason and so I'm not worrying that I'm still seeing stuff and am preparing myself that that could continue to be the case for some time yet and that that is OK too. Remembering what I said yesterday about it not being baby blood but placental blood is helping too, no matter how worrisome it is to see it every bathroom stop, remembering that baby is fine is helping a little.

Anyway, it is now 5:30 (yes I type slow, damn tiny phone) and so I will sign off and try and snatch an hour between medicine time for the sick boy and hope I wake again still feeling as positive as I do now but even if I don't, I recognise now that that is OK and I will get back to the positive point again.