Difficult

This pregnancy is kicking my ass in so many ways, it's just completely different to any of the others or at least it seems that way - my memory is so dodgy and pregnancy hormones have an almost amnesic effect so I could just be viewing past memories through rose-tinted specs rather than reality specs! LOL.

It's just been difficult from the start - the meds and their effects, the twin/on off thing, the bleeding, the pains, the morning sickness, the bleeding, the low placenta and the list goes on. I can foresee this pattern continuing the entire 40 weeks and I think that's why it feels like it is dragging so much. My hubster says he can't believe it's been 20 weeks already but I totally can, it seems like longer! I think, as I said to my IF, that that is because we've limped from crisis to crisis and a day seems like a week when you're on constant knicker watch for bleeding or waking up and waiting for the random but painful aches to begin.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant as a surrogate, it gives you a feeling like no other and one that is different to my own 3 pregnancies and I wouldn't change the course I've taken since deciding to be a surrogate for anything. No, but it's different and when times are rough it's hard to swallow and remember the happiness you're bringing and the amazing thing you're being entrusted to do for others. Sometimes it just plain sucks.

I've been in the definite suckage camp this past week, random pains and some spotting will put you in that place. So far though it has passed without any drama and we continue forwards ticking off the days.

Baby boy has started to kick more so this week and that's pretty lovely to feel - something that at present is just between me and him and it's almost like it's his way of saying 'hey tummy mum!' Love it. Won't love it so much when it's keeping me awake or causing me physical pain but like most of this journey, it's a little highlight that keeps you going when everything else is going rough and that's what we take as surrogates - the little things.