On The Ward

We were shown to the world's smallest room ever but at least it had an en-suite, well a toilet and sink even if no bath or shower! I think regardless, we were all grateful simply to just be moving forwards towards the goal of getting home and going to the regular ward was exactly that - one step closer. Still, there was no curtain on the window, no mattress up there for my IFs to sleep on and just a squeaky wooden rocking chair and one plastic chair in the other corner. I admit to feeling bad that I was on what must of seemed to the guys at that point, a luxurious bed!

It was late so M said goodbye to his son and B and hit the road for the hotel he would be staying in and poor B tried to make himself comfy on the rocking chair but quickly opted for the bare floor. :( He was so exhausted that after a quick change of F, he was out like a light and I wasn't far behind him.

An uneventful night really, B up and down seeing to his son, the usual checks every so often on my BP revealed actually it was pretty stable and almost down to near normal which was encouraging! I had a lot more brushes with needles as they continued to take bloods from my hands and arms. One vial would take 3 or 4 attempts to get, I was almost getting weepy when they would bring that sharps bin into my room. My temp behaved itself though and all seemed to be much calmer which was a relief. I was also able to move around freely which was nice but felt pretty crappy with the continuing noise in my head. It's like a reverberation type of sensation which is strange but I had it last time, it's the gas and air that does it for me, also tiredness but coupled with everything else - being anaemic, the cocktail of drugs this time, surgery etc, it was tenfold. Every time I got up to use the bathroom, I was afraid I would stumble on poor B on the floor so took it very slowly.

Soon daylight came streaming through the uncovered window and M came to swap places with B but B ended up staying too. He was on his knees though, so tired but we spent the Monday just relaxing and talking really, about everything, anything and nothing at times. I got more holds of F which was fab, he truly is a gorgeous little boy and it was a pleasure to have him thrust into my arms and not have to wonder if I should hold him or if I could. It was just so natural, after all we'd been through there really were no airs or graces, just us being us and it was actually an amazing time we all agree - to just really bond with each other and make what could of been an unnatural and awkward situation, all exhausted and stressed, cooped up in a tiny room, into something that was super special in the end.

The guys were brilliant at continuing to care for their baby, I love the post-natal time where I can simply sit back and observe the bonding between the fathers and their child, it's truly priceless and if I were to find a silver lining in the fact that we were still in hospital then that would be it.

Also I cannot stress enough just how fantastic they were at not only looking after him but at looking after me. They were shattered themselves, it wasn't just me who had had my world turned upside down but them too (in a good way and of course the bad) and yet they were so focused on me and helping me feel comfortable and recover and I can't thank them enough for that. It was the little things - encouraging me to eat and providing me with a non-stop supply of my favourite drinks and sandwiches, keeping me positive when I was feeling a bit down about everything, making me laugh my head off much of the time and lots of hugs too.

Also on the Monday my husband popped in to see me for the first time since we'd said goodbye for Day Assessment on the Friday - it turns out, I later discovered, that he hadn't realised the gravity of the situation over the weekend or else he most certainly would of been in sooner. It hadn't even occurred to me he may not know, I just assumed and poor B and M didn't know what to tell him at the time it all kicked off because they themselves didn't really know so kept it short and to the point. Everyone was in another zone during that time and no blame can be given to anyone. I had also simply assumed my husband knew B and M would look after me (and they did!) and that he had no-one to look after our 3 children (which is pretty much true) so it wasn't a problem but I know my husband felt awful that he hadn't been there before once he found out. Anyway, so yes, he popped in and it was fantastic to see him and he was coming back later with the children once he'd got them from school so that perked me up!

We were all anxiously awaiting talk of going home but poor F had to have several more repeat bloods tests for his bili levels, mainly because the lab appeared to of lost them, well maybe not the lab but somewhere between it leaving his little heels and the lab, something had broken in the chain. It was awful watching him endure so many blood draws but the guys were stoical about it and knew the importance of the results. There was a funny incident where a young midwife escorted B and baby to the nursery area to take his blood and when B returned, he said the midwife had fainted. Now, B loves to have a joke so I wasn't biting this time and dismissed it but when he swore on his son's life it was true, well, I knew it had to be. Turns out the poor girl was pregnant, had felt faint taking the blood, made it outside the nursery door and prompted keeled over and was then sick! Honestly, it could only happen to us and added to the madness that has become our birth story. Thankfully she was fine and made a full recovery and joked with us all about it a little later.

We had heard talk from the midwife we may be discharged that day so were buoyed up but a short while later another midwife said no, my bloods weren't quite right and the Dr said I had to stay yet another night. We were of course disappointed but knew that it was only a matter of playing the waiting game and there was no real cause to believe we wouldn't be out the following day.

A short while later, we had got word that F's last set of bloods were on the decrease and he was officially ready for discharge. I urged the guys to take him back to the hotel and I'd be fine there on my own, my husband being the legal parent could of taken him out of the hospital and it wouldn't of been a problem but they were having none of it and insisted we went in as a team and would leave as a team - together. So sweet of them, I felt so bad though that it was me holding them up now.

That evening my beautiful babies came to see me, I wasn't sure who they were more excited to see - me or the baby! It was an amazing hour with them and my IFs and F, the room was filled with love and laughter and they all had as much time to hold him as they could and B took what felt like a million pictures. I have a couple of phone pictures of my children holding my first surrogate baby so this was lovely and now I've viewed the pictures, they will be treasured forever by all of us I think. Captured a really special moment and a super special atmosphere. I was worried they would get upset when it was time to leave but some super special hand-picked presents from the latest surro arrival and his Daddies stopped any sadness in its tracks and they left holding their new furry friends, full of big smiles as we all walked down the corridor and them out of the ward doors. It was every bit as special as I'd hoped to be honest, there had been a bit of a bump with my children meeting my first surrogate baby for the first time and B and M knew that it had stayed with me and upset me and said that it would be different this time and true to their word, as always, it absolutely was so all thanks to them for those memories this time around.

Soon it was time for B to head off to the hotel and for M to stay. M had already told me during the day that he was going to take F to the communal tv room for the night so I could get some true rest. I reassured him it wasn't necessary, he was as welcome to stay as always and I would sleep regardless but he was determined nothing would disturb me - well apart from the nurses, that night and despite having a very comfy camp bed (courtesy of my hubster who insisted on getting it in for the night), true to his word, he disappeared off down the corridor after I'd had a shower and I had what was the best nights sleep I'd had since the Friday. Before I went to bed though, I suddenly was overcome with tears. I don't know why, I wasn't unhappy, probably tiredness and the stress starting to show itself but I couldn't stop. I was glad M wasn't in the room as I know he would of been lovely and hugged me tight and I may never of stopped! I think I needed the release because it helped me go straight to sleep. And sleep I did. it wasn't a good sleep, I was uncomfy and still felt rubbish generally and it was a hospital environment but no complaints, I managed to snatch some hours here and there and all was well until I woke up feeling very sick indeed around 5am. A different kind of sickness to my usual tiredness sickness, that had plagued me the entire stay, I started to think perhaps I had a stomach bug which would of been dire stuck in hospital and sent my BP sky-rocketing so I asked for a sickness tablet once again and just breathed through the nausea. By this time, M came back into the room for the day and was so good at keeping my mind occupied, he must of been exhausted from being up all night but he just talked to me - about everything and anything and it was so appreciated. The distraction worked and soon we were both dozing between F waking us, more tests and people coming in and out, drs coming in and the usual clattering of a hospital ward.

Morning midwife brought news that we would be discharged if my final set of bloods (yep, stabbed AGAIN) and obs came back clear. B came back and we just spent the morning talking and keeping everything crossed until word came through that we were being sprung! Finally! My husband came up to see me right on time and we were just waiting to complete the discharge talks, paperwork and for my meds to come up from the pharmacy. I took the opportunity to take a walk with hubster down the corridor to the communal tv room, my legs felt like jelly, my head and heart were pounding, my stomach flipping and I felt truly awful but that change of scenery was much needed after days of laying in bed and staring at various walls! When we returned to the room, a short while later the midwife took my final set of obs and told me my temperature was a little high - we all held our breath I think but the midwife consulted another and they said it was still fine for me to go. I think it was probably all the manic running around we did to get our stuff ready to run out the door before they changed their mind that caused it! Ooops!

B and M had had their discharge talk and an overly insistent maternity assistant made them sit through a patronising and apparently pretty obvious demonstration of how to bath their baby, using a very old (and smelly) doll and then I was given the talk about what to be aware of post-natally and once my medication made it to the room, F was safely cocooned in his car seat for the first time and we were ready for the fresh air and freedom of the outside world!

I didn't feel any true sadness that this was the end of this part of our journey but rather a sense of relief that the guys were finally going to walk out the hospital with their precious bundle happy and healthy and that I was able to walk out at all, given how differently things could of gone. Outside and we all said our goodbyes, I think we were all being a bit brave for one another then since it did feel a little sad at that point but I knew it wasn't a case of 'goodbye' but rather 'see ya later!' with these 2 good guys so it was all fine.

As I climbed into the car with my husband, I watched the new family of 3 walking towards the car park, arm around the other and holding their baby in his car seat and all felt right with the world. When I turned the radio on a short while later and the first song playing was Kelly Clarkson's 'Stronger', that was when the tears flowed. It was finally ok not to be strong......