'Will you have any more?'

That is the most asked question, along with the aged-old favourite of 'how are you feeling?' I don't mind the latter, it's nice that people care - or perhaps they are hoping I'm crumbling inside and can say 'ha, told you so!'? No, not really but I'm sure there are some who that may apply to.

Anyway, with regards to the title - why is it that people ask you that whilst you've not even quit contracting?! I mean, what a dumb question to ask already but every pregnancy I've heard it. Well, yes, I'd love to have another surrogate baby and I think I'm pretty good at it too but of course I'm not dumb enough to simply jump feet first into anything after all that's happened, it's not just about me but about my family too.

I promised my IFs that I'd do a sibling project for them, right from the start and that promise stands true. Whether it actually happens, for whatever reason on either side, well, it's too early to say of course. It's a tricky situation because the embryos we have stored have to be used by me pretty much, although there are possibly ways around it and so there's that to factor in also. I have no qualms about doing it for the guys again, I adore them and we absolutely rocked as a team - there really is zero reason why I wouldn't get knocked up for them again! LOL.

I do love the look on people's faces when I say that though, they look at me with a look of 'you're nuts' crossed with 'you're amazing'.

As for the second question, I'm doing alright. I had a horrible few days last week, where I just cried. A lot. I was even beginning to think perhaps I had some PND going on because I feel bleak. I haven't at any point been sad because I don't have a baby, that's not it, I think it was the changing dynamics between my IFs and I, which I struggled with at first with my last match but this time around the guys are fantastic at keeping in touch and it is helping. No, I think the majority of my feelings are about the post-birth stuff. I just can't make peace with the fact that I've lost precious memories, I have hardly any recollection of the entire Saturday he was born and only patchy of the Sunday and that makes me sad. Really really sad. Worse thing is there's nothing anyone can do, you can't magic those memories back and there's no playback feature either - they're gone forever. I so wanted this journey to be perfect in its entirety and the most important parts were of course, we had the most amazing match, a fantastic pregnancy, a fabulous friendship and baby is beautiful and safe. Oh and I'm alive. But, the end just didn't follow that pattern sadly and it was all out of our control. That's what I'm concentrating on when I feel down, that no-one is to blame and it's just 'one of those things', I need to let it go or else it'll continue to eat away at me but it's so very hard some days.

Also, I feel like shit physically still. I say still but I'm only just almost 3 weeks post-partum so I really shouldn't expect to be anywhere near back to normal, even if I'd not been through all I had but it's hard because I'm not the type who deals with pain or being slowed down - I like living my life at 100mph strangely enough but my body just won't co-operate.

My bleeding has almost stopped for the most part, which is pretty great - no complaints there, I did have a few days of weird bleeding, clots, tenderness and pain where I was worried I had a repeat of my first surrogacy going on and had some retained products but that's passed now things have settled down thankfully. No infection, I had a negative swab that cleared that worry up!

Boobs are fine, almost back to normal and certainly no engorgement which I was dreading given how big and painful they got and for how long with my last surro baby! I still leak intermittently but it's no big deal and getting better every few days.

Clexane jabs are a pain in the, well, tummy. Ugh. Hate them but hubster is doing a sterling job of stabbing me twice daily, bless him. Right side is always more stingy and painful than the left and the lower the better seems to be the best but I still have bruises, lumps, jab marks and sore spots which are not welcome. Still, if it keeps me healthy then we'll push onwards. 2 weeks down, another 4 to go.

No pain with the tear or stitches in the cervix so that's a huge positive!

However my BP is still a bit of an issue, it's not scary high but it is high and at this point and on BP meds, it really should be back to pre-pregnancy levels but it's not which is disappointing because I hate taking any meds and it would be easier to swallow (no pun intended!) if they were doing exactly as they should. I was discharged by my community midwife a week ago and into GP care and I saw him this week, it's still high and I am to take my meds to control it for another 4 weeks at least. Ugh. I want to make a plan with regards to moving forwards and getting this issue under control and then off the tablets asap! The tablets also are giving me flushing of my skin - I literally go bright red and burning hot in random places, for example my knees, my forearms, my chest and my lower legs alongside my face, when I then resemble a badly painted garden gnome with glowing red cheeks!

I'm having headaches every day at the moment, didn't have them the first week post-partum but did from the 2nd week and they hurt and linger almost constantly. I don't know if it's a BP issue, a BP med issue or tiredness or stress - although I'm not particularly stressed, or what but something has to give because it's miserable. I've now had to start taking codeine, instead of just paracetamol, when they are really bad.

Also, I am having stomach pain on a big scale, I hope it's just because of the iron tablets I'm on because I did experience a lot of pain when taking them previously. I do have a sensitive stomach anyway and often feel pain of some sort - this pain is excruciating when it hits though and I am literally left sobbing and rocking, bent over in agony. I almost considered going to A&E the last time I had an episode of it and I avoid hospitals at all costs so you can be assured it is indeed bad. My midwife said I should definitely continue the iron for the full 6 weeks at least because it will take a while for my body to catch up and I will probably infact experience a drop in my levels because the units of blood I received after delivery are only good at boosting the level in the short-term on their own.

I'm sure the anaemia is to blame perhaps for the headaches too which means I'm in a nasty cycle of take iron = pain, don't take it = headaches. Ugh. Also sure the low levels explain the huge lack of energy, shortness of breath and racing heartbeat I'm having too.

Saying goodbye to my lovely midwife was a bit of an emotional milestone. She's like an old friend, I've had her for 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies going back to 2004 so that's a lot of years! She's a genuinely nice lady and I have a lot of respect for her - not least for putting up with me coming back every few years! LOL. No, seriously though. We had a hug and both had a tear in our eye, she also retires by next year and so I won't see her again if I do get pregnant again which will be really strange and a bit sad to be honest. But, all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes.

Oh and another 'milestone' - my hubster went back to work too recently, he had been off for 3 weeks in total so it took some adjusting to. Life truly has returned to normal here in my household which is chaos and crazy but yeah, LOL.

So, yes, I'm feeling a bit of a wreck as things stand, which isn't helping my mental state sometimes but I'm focusing on the positives and doing something to distract myself every day. I've already started looking for my next 'challenge' in life, my next goal - which is to get to Uni finally. If you know me in real life, you'll know that this has been my goal since I was 17 and although it's taken me until almost 35 to get there hopefully, get there I will! So this past week that's been a huge focus, filling out application form after application form and now I have everything crossed and that's all I can do!

On a more positive note, Finley is thriving and the guys share photos with me on a daily basis and he's changing so much already. We're meeting up tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited to have baby cuddles and Daddy squishes! It's weird already to look at him and see nothing of myself looking back but no sadness about that, I can't compute that that little guy was in my tummy at some point! I know that sounds weird but I had that same feeling with my last surrobaby too - my brain just sees it differently for some reason I guess. He's gorgeous and the guys have had lots and lots of family, from far and wide visiting to say 'hello' to the little guy, I love seeing how my small contribution has made so many people happy, that helps chase the blues away on the bad days. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing journey and to see the result of our true team effort.

So, nearly 3 weeks out and that's where I am currently. I am waiting on my labour notes so I can do my birth story, it does bother me a bit because if they don't hurry up then I'm afraid the small snippets of recollection I do have will fade too. I'm also apprehensive about receiving them because I know it will be emotional reading them back but I need to do it to try and piece as much together as I can from them. I've also requested a meeting with my antenatal consultant to talk through things because I've done a lot of reading about what happened and have questions, I may not get all the answers I'm craving but at least some things may become a little clearer and I know that will help me to heal and move forwards.