She was however the slowest lady ever, she meticulously wrote in my notes, which was good of course but it meant some awkward silences and also she took forever to do anything. Such as finding baby's heartbeat on the monitor - she kept saying he must of turned but I knew he hadn't and the guys were growing a bit impatient of her faffing around, not least because having held the transducer on themselves for a long time in Day Assessment, they knew just where to find it but Mary had her own ideas. LOL. Eventually though, she found him and all was ok on that front. My BP was 165/90 at this stage and I was starting to run a temp according to my notes.
Mary had a lot of trouble getting a needle into my hand to give me the drugs for my bp and gave us after a few attempts and said since we'd agreed I would have an epidural, that the anaesthetist could pop one in and with more experience than them, probably easier too.
The anaesthetist came in and I explained my previous experiences with an epidural and as he listened he jabbed at my hands, trying again and again to get a needle in but without any more success than the midwife had had. I don't know what's happened to my veins but more and more I'm finding they don't want to play when I need them to. I recall him repeatedly trying to insert them and I found it painful, for some weird reason I get an electric shock sensation whenever I get an IV put in my hands and the anaesthetist maybe didn't believe me because each 'ouch' was met with 'surely that can't hurt?' and 'I've no idea why that's hurting'. Well sunshine, it did!
Eventually he did get access sorted and I put a gown on and then the Mag Sulfate drip was started, also antibiotic drugs too for a UTI they said I had and some Codeine for the worsening headache. Also I was wired up to an ECG monitor and had my BP checked again, it was still 150/90 and I had the headache grew worse but we were excited to finally get this labour party started!
Next up it was time to have my waters broken...
Mary did a lot of writing, dipping into the brighter lights of the bathroom occasionally to squint at paperwork I'm told. LOL and I was feeling uncomfortable niggles already from the earlier stretch and sweep and so concentrated on breathing through those for the most part. At 00:30 on the Saturday, Mary finally got her butt into gear after a 2nd midwife told her she was supposed to of done it already, and broke my waters. My god, that was bloody painful, she seemed to be inserting her entire hand and took forever to tell me how dilated she thought I was and then that my cervix was still high, despite the midwife upstairs telling me I would be an easy to ARM! But anyway, yes waters were broke.
With the Mag Sulfate running and a catheter inserted I was told I'd be re-examined in 2 hours to check progress and my epidural would soon be sited.
The anaesthetist was very pleasant as he got his stuff ready to get me pain-free, with any luck and it felt like he had succeed where others had failed in previous pregnancies but soon the breakthrough pain started on the other side! LOL. Normally I find my left side doesn't work properly but this time, it was the right. I think with hindsight he had gone too far over and whatever block in my back I have, anatomy wise, that prevents an epidural working fully had stopped the meds going over to the right side this time. Sod's Law, I was grateful he had tried to sort it out and get it to work fully nonetheless. I was given a self-control pump for the epidural, just as last time and I religiously clicked that button and felt the cool medicine travel down the tubing and into my back, followed by a lull in the pain and we settled into what was the start of labour ramping up.
I wasn't aware of much at this stage as contractions kicked in pretty quickly and I was breathing through them alongside the epidural. BP was 155/92 at this stage. By 2am, it was settling at 130/90 and we felt I was stabilising a bit and this could perhaps become less of a dramatic induction and delivery. My IFs held my hands and one timed contractions on their phone because at this point, I wasn't on continuous monitoring. I remember my IF talking and not paying attention to my 'and another...' cue to start the timer and be slightly irked that the one job he had and he wasn't doing it. LOL. I was contracting 3:10 at that time and we were just waiting to see how things would progress but I was already in the zone by that point, half through tiredness at being awake so long and half through the pain I was already in.
I can't finish this yet as I am still waiting on my notes to complete it so stay tuned but putting this up for now to keep my blog in order!
As said in later entries, I now don't think I can fill in too much from where I left off but what I can recall follows...
I recall feeling a huge increase in pain down below, instinctively I knew this meant baby was right there and almost ready to be born. I said rather sharply to Mary to get me some anti-nausea meds because I was feeling like I might vomit (I knew this confirmed I was almost at the point of delivery) but I needed gas and air to help me cope with the incredibly strong pain I was now feeling and knew without an anti-emetic top up that I would puke if I had any. Vicious circle! Mary seemed to faff around and I was getting desperate so I again repeated my request, whilst telling my IFs that 'he's right there, I know it, he's right there!' and thankfully she took notice this time! She said she'd check me again and declared as soon as she did 'he's right there! You were right!' LOL, no time for smugness but time to push. On one side, my leg held up, I was told to push with the contraction and not stop until it has gone. I recall her saying next push and his head would be out, although my contraction had gone I decided to push anyway because the pain was excruciating and I knew once his head was out, it would stop. I regret that decision now and wonder if it had any bearing on the eventual outcome of my whole labour and delivery experience.
With that push, his head popped out and next recall the guys sobbing. Despite being on a high from the gas and air and shock it happened so fast, I remember saying to myself to look at them because I regretted not seeing my last IFs faces at this point. The look of awe and love on their faces will stay with me forever. Amazing. Just no words to describe that moment from my point of view.
From this point on, I don't remember much - certainly not in detail or order but here's what I do recall...
I remember Mary and her assisting midwife Jo saying that the placenta would be out soon and to give a little push to help expel it. Everything seemed to be normal at that point. The boys were offered a look at their son's life-support system for the past 9 months. Mary and Jo kept checking my tummy, to see if my uterus was contracting as expected and again, that was a normal practice from my point of view. However they kept checking down below and rubbing my stomach...
I heard Jo say that there was some clots, I wasn't unduly worried, no-one seemed concerned. But then Mary and Jo were talking about clots again, and more massaging my stomach. I think I heard them saying to get someone else to pop in to have a look - I think looking back that the fact I wasn't concerned, and that I can't remember things is because I was already actually unwell, not that I knew that at the time.
I remember Jo saying she needed to examine me again and being fed up at this point because with each examination, I was in pain but let her do it anyway and she literally was pushing me up the bed with the force of inserting her hand and what I now know, taking clots out. Several people appeared in the room and a dr asked if she could examine me and I told her that it was hurting me now and with Jo now massaging my stomach very vigorously that that was hurting me too. The dr told me to take some gas and air and see if that helped with the pain as she did what she needed to, it did but it made the room spin and I couldn't keep my eyes open and I vividly recall hearing a swirl of voices all talking and making no sense. Someone said to give me this med, that med and try that.
A man (doctor) who I'd not seen before appeared by my head and hurriedly explained that I was bleeding and they couldn't stop it and I needed to go to theatre so they could sort me out better but that there were risks and I remember him saying 'you may need a hysterectomy but we've got lots we can try before then' and him asking me to sign the consent form - which I of course did. I looked up at Jo, who was still pummelling my stomach and said 'lie to me if you must, but tell me you see this all the time?' and she looked and said 'of course we do!' and I knew she was lying but still felt a smile cross my face at her response.
Next I know was my bed moving and my cannula being pulled at in my arm as someone hadn't kept pace with the drip attached to it. I heard 'severe hemorrhage - room 1' booming out over the internal intercom and thinking 'I'm in room 1!!!!' It dawned on me I was in trouble and I recall thinking 'please, my babies, please let me be ok'.
I recall the bright theatre light, the bustle of activity and voices, being slid across the bed and onto the theatre bed, the anaesthetist who had put in my epidural told me to sit up as a spinal was inserted into my spine. As he was doing that, a nurse asked what jewellery I had on as she taped them all. Soon I lost feeling in my lower half and was laid down, my arms being put out either side of me (for IV access and monitoring) and telling someone I felt sick. I remember the smell of the silicone from the oxygen mask and telling myself not to sniff it or I would vomit and panicking because I was on my back, that I would then choke. Someone put something in my IV and I started to feel the nausea wane thankfully but a scratchy cardboard sick bowl put beside my head. I remember seeing my legs being put into boot type stirrups, I had no feeling so it didn't seem that they could be mine but I knew they were and I recall seeing a Dr between my legs and then my eyes closed, I was so tired and of course in shock and losing a lot of blood I now know.
I've no idea of time frames but the next thing I can recall is feeling a strong hand in mine and opening my eyes just enough to see a different face and thinking that that was the face and hand of a person who knew what they were doing. I was shaking violently and remembering thinking was I cold but not feeling cold. Someone told someone else to get a bear blanket (it's a hot air blanket I later found out!) More voices, I couldn't keep my eyes open but I could hear them talking about not being able to get a BP reading due to my shaking and talk of them waiting on blood for me but that because they found an antibody they had to wait longer than anticipated. I heard someone suggest an arterial line and felt the pain but not really caring, as they jabbed another needle into my arms. As the warm air circulated around my body from the heating blanket, I relaxed a little and drifted off again. Next thing I heard was someone saying I needed to go to High Dependency and I freaked at that point in my head as that never means good things.
Soon my bed was on the move and I saw the familiar surrounding of my delivery room. I couldn't open my eyes but I heard my IF ask me if I was ok and felt him stroking my hair. I nodded and that was all I could manage. No idea of time or anything but I know a midwife periodically asked me if I was ok, I heard the machines beeping and random voices, an oxygen mask was placed over my face again as my respiratory rate hit 6 and the midwife called the consultant for advice and I drifted in and out of consciousness.
I do vividly remember the midwife asking my IFs if someone had told my husband, B said he had but it was a delicate balancing act of telling him what was going on but at that point not knowing what the problem actually was, giving him inaccurate information too.
I don't know what time it was but I can next remember opening my eyes and seeing Fin in an incubator, having photo-therapy and blue under the lights. I couldn't of known why at that point but it didn't strike me as odd, I think I was just too disorientated to question it.
Over the next few hours, I became more aware of my surroundings. I discovered our new lovely midwife was called Liz, Liz was the lady who had held my hand with such confidence in theatre. I learnt that I had had a cervical tear that needed stitching in theatre, I had lost 1.8L of blood and so had had a severe post-partum hemorrhage and that I had antibodies in my blood that meant I had needed a special type of blood and Fin was having photo-therapy because it had caused him jaundice and a high billirubin level. I continued to receive IV meds and blood - in total I had 3 litres. I also had a balloon left in my uterus, to help it clot and the bleeding stop. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck but it was surreal and like it had happened to someone else - just didn't compute I'd been through all of that when everything had gone so well at the birth.
I was very scared when time came to take the balloon out of my uterus later that day and I asked Liz what would happen if I was still bleeding and she said not to worry because if I had been bleeding still and the balloon hadn't of done it's job then we'd of known by now. That was logical to me and so helped calm my fears a little but it wasn't until that balloon was removed and the Dr confirmed it had worked that I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Drs came in every so often, they would check my blood loss, talk about how I felt and suggest treatments. They asked me if I was ok and understood what had happened and couldn't believe how calm I had been and was about all that had happened - as I said to them, when you're in that situation, panicking doesn't help. I also think I was so ill that I wasn't fully with it and that's why I didn't freak out.
They said they expected me to stay in HDU for at least that night incase I needed to go back to theatre urgently but that if all went well, we'd then go to a ward. My IFs took such good care of me, they encouraged me to try to eat and drink, a day later to shower and even emptied my catheter bag. Love, love right there! I watched them caring for their baby, I remember thinking how wonderful they were despite knowing they had been through hell too. My IF took some amazing photos during this time, photos that I resented him taking at the time because I hate having my picture taken but now that I look back upon gratefully because they help piece together events that I have no other memory of ever happening. We had a lovely time with our midwife, she was so nice and we all talked a lot and even laughed too. Jo came back on shift that night and was my midwife for the night, it was nice to see her again and debrief in a way. She told me that she had gone home mulling events over, she said that she doesn't know what made her check me internally post-delivery, just a hunch she said. Thank god for her hunch because it could ultimately of saved my life. If I'd of gone to the ward and no-one of noticed for a few hours....
We remained in HDU overnight, I didn't sleep well because I had these air boots on my feet and legs to help prevent DVTs, I was unable to have my usual blood thinning injection to prevent them due to the risk of starting my bleeding up again but these boots made a whooshing noise as they inflated and deflated and made my legs move on their own which wasn't condusive to sleep! As soon as I could, I asked to have them removed. LOL.
Fin had lots of blood tests throughout our stay on Delivery, monitoring his billirubin levels. Unfortunately for him, one lot was lost and another clotted before it could be tested so he had more needle jabs than he should of had. I felt my IFs upset when they heard that more blood was needed, poor Fin's heels were all taped up by the end of the stay and so bruised. :( But worth it when we were told he didn't need to go back under lights, he wasn't happy being put in his little incubator and would wake himself flailing around in there. However they did say that he would still need more blood tests to ensure his levels were going down satisfactorily but still one small step forward was welcomed!
On the Monday, the drs said I was stable enough to go to the ward. We were all pleased as it meant I was out of danger and that we were a step closer to going home but all of us were sad to leave behind our fab midwife, Liz and all the rest of the staff on Delivery Suite. I treasure the photos we have of Liz and us together, she was a fantastic comfort to us all.
It wasn't until late that night we got a room upstairs, Liz worked all afternoon to ensure a room became available and we weren't faced with the situation of me having to look after Fin alone overnight and the guys being kicked out. So grateful when she came in all smiled and said we had one and would soon be going upstairs!
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