What's new here? Not much!
I'm getting bigger by the week, well duh I know but yeah. LOL.
I'm also getting more breathless, I don't know if this is perhaps a sign that the usual decline in my iron levels has begun but it's more noticeable but I should also say I have a cold so that could be a big factor. I'm also freezing cold and I know that the weather is fast sliding into winter mode but even at times when I shouldn't be so cold, I am. I'll know when I get my blood tests re-done at the 28 week appt but I wouldn't be surprised if it came back low.
Booked in for my glucose tolerance test at the beginning of December, a 'perk' of being fat (and having a history of diabetes in the family) means I get to be stabbed with a needle twice in the space of 2 hours and drink a ridiculously large amount of pure sugar at 9am in the morning. I have no doubts I'll get the all-clear from that and it's simply routine.
Baby is kicking up a storm much more lately, I've been able to feel him from the outside for a couple of weeks now. He's a good boy though, has his active bursts but for the most part is pretty kind to me! I feel kicks all over the place so that's no indication of position and of course we're not concerned with that yet. I recall with my last surrobaby, who was breech until 38 weeks consistently, that I used to feel kick/jabs down low all the time and it was never accurate in determining where he was position wise so I don't go much on that.
This week I had a minor op on my eyelid, I was nervous as hell but it went smoothly and surprisingly pain free. I'm now 2 days out post-op and the black eye that Google warned me about has not materialised and it appears that I was lucky, just as the doctor doing it had said some are. It didn't have any effect on baby and was a purely cosmetic procedure so there were no concerns from that aspect. I'm glad though that it's one less thing for me to fret about!
And that's pretty much it as far as any update goes - getting frequent heartburn and finding it so hard to sleep but I suffer both in pregnancy so neither were an unexpected surprise. I'm also finding I seem to sleep better when I do eventually drop off, if I'm sat upright and so another pregnancy milestone has been reached - purchasing of the v-shaped pillow. LOL. I do this every pregnancy, get to a certain point where I need one to help me get comfortable and settle but have never seen the point or appeal of those huge specifically marketed pregnancy pillows. No, a cheap generic v-shaped one does the job perfectly well for me so that's on my to-buy list this coming week.
Guess my next update will be the 28 week midwife appt/results of the GTT and my 28 week bump pic!
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Thursday, 7 November 2013
A Moment To Talk IPs
I have the most amazing IPs. I realise that I've not spoken much about them or given them enough public kudos for everything they've done so far so this post comes to you with a generous serving of appreciation and love - if you've got a delicate stomach for a gushy post then click away now, or grab a sick bag!
From the moment we matched, they told me that my journey with them would be different and that they would prove it. They didn't expect me just to buy it, they knew of the entire saga of my previous match and swore they would never treat me or our journey in that manner and that they would show me that that was the truth.
Now, I'd of course heard that line before and it hadn't materialised and infact was worse in some ways at times than I could of even imagined in my dreams (nightmares?) so I was cynical but smiled in appreciation nonetheless and deleted it from my mind but these guys have proven it. Again and again.
Such a short amount of time from first talking, to matching, to ttc, to our bfp and beyond and yet it feels like I've known them forever but more importantly, I want to know them forever and vice-versa. Breath of fresh air right there.
They've never lied to me, I'm very good at catching people out so trust me, I would of sniffed a porkie or 2 had there been any. Having been around the 'block' in surrogacy too, I've heard all the platitudes and experienced enough fakery of my own and towards others, to know what's the real deal and what's not. Nope, these 2 are genuine, just like they promised me they would be. They've no need to lie, no facade to uphold, no flashy lives to maintain - nope, they wear their hearts on their sleeves, their opinions loud and proud and are exactly who they are - no disguise, no smoke and fire, just 2 guys who love each other and want to have a baby with an open and genuine surrogate.
Now, that's not to say we've not disagreed - I recall recently having a heated discussion with one of them and raising my voice and crying at him in sheer annoyance at the situation and his response but you know what? It was OK. He took it, he gave me some back and the world didn't end. There was no silence for days, no air of awkwardness, no me left feeling like I had to try and smooth things over or risk being labelled the bitch. We resolved it like, well, like adults do - adults that respect each other and genuinely care for one another , adults who don't like to upset someone else and who aren't just flexing their muscles. The truly surprising part though was that I was surprised! My past experiences had obviously made me come to expect something completely different as an outcome to a situation like that, and it was pleasant to find I was wrong.
It's the little things too, these guys are always telling me how much they appreciate me and the amazing thing I'm doing for them - despite my hatred of the word 'amazing' (see my old blog for explanation...), I believe their sincerity when they say it. The appreciation I get from them, when I've not done anything to expect or deserve it specifically, tells me it's genuine and that makes it so much more special. The spontaneous texts or messages, that tell me how in love with their boy they are, how much they are looking forward to seeing me next, what they've been buying and asking my opinion on whether it's necessary - all of it, it all shows me that they aren't just talking the talk and playing the game, they actually consider me a friend, value me and my experiences and see me as an equal.
They also do the sweetest materalistic things - they send me surprise packages, this started prior to us even heading for treatment. Little touches, sometimes like on my birthday - big touches. Each carefully thought out and showing an understanding about who I am, what makes me tick and that they've truly thought about what they've purchased and that means a lot. They listen to who I am, I'm not just a womb for hire. I'm not just a pet to be fed 'treats' to keep me under control and coming back for more - to basically keep me sweet, no they care about me - something that was unfortunately lacking in matches I'd had before. Actions speak louder than words and these guys have shouted at me from day 1 in both ways.
I feel incredibly fortunate to of found these guys when I was least expecting it, I wasn't even looking. Perhaps there is some truth in Karma and this is my reward for last time? Maybe good things do happen to good people after all, you just have to wait until the right time for it to occur? Were these IPs sent into my path to restore my faith in surrogacy and erase bad experiences and worse memories? I would like to think that may be the case, all I know for sure is that we are respectful to one another and all on a level playing field and that's all I ever wanted - no-one thinking they are better than the other and no games. We're all in this together, to create life and make the journey of doing that as smooth and happy as possible, why encourage or create drama and waves to spoil something that should be so easy going and fab?
I should also thank my former IPs in this post because without our match, I wouldn't now know what I deserve, what I need and what I want from this/any future match. It made me stronger person and a better surrogate.
Tomorrow my former IPs will legally become the parents of my first surrogate baby. A new birth certificate will be issued, my name and existence on paper will be erased. And the bond we shared whilst creating baby Oli will change, perhaps even end....we are still closing a chapter regardless of what happens past that moment. Even at the end, it's not been particularly amicable from my point of view - I've not had the wool pulled over my eyes again and see as clearly as ever the big picture. It's certainly not what I had hoped for but in seeing the positives about the situation, once again it's taught me how strong I am and what I don't want to happen at the end of this journey.
Not sure I can ever completely make peace with my previous experiences but for now, acceptance that I can't change the past is helping me the most. It is what it is, they are who they are and I've been the best surrogate for them that I could of been and did all that I promised. Same as I promised my current IPs and something I know I can deliver on, even if the going gets tough.
No, this post is supposed to be about being thankful for what I do have, rather than dwelling on what I didn't have before but in truly being able to recognise and appreciate what I have now, it's important to realise what I've been through prior too and how the two are connected.
In fairness though, of course there were good times in my previous match, but this post is about my current match and how I'm thankful for what I have going on now, with them. For the former, you'd have to head to my other blog (link up on the left <----- ) that was about that particular match and see the times I thanked them publically and talked about how appreciative I was for the great things they did during our match...
Anyway, here ends the gushy post but truly, my current IPs are rocking my socks! I love 'em. There endeth the love fest, my point duly made.
From the moment we matched, they told me that my journey with them would be different and that they would prove it. They didn't expect me just to buy it, they knew of the entire saga of my previous match and swore they would never treat me or our journey in that manner and that they would show me that that was the truth.
Now, I'd of course heard that line before and it hadn't materialised and infact was worse in some ways at times than I could of even imagined in my dreams (nightmares?) so I was cynical but smiled in appreciation nonetheless and deleted it from my mind but these guys have proven it. Again and again.
Such a short amount of time from first talking, to matching, to ttc, to our bfp and beyond and yet it feels like I've known them forever but more importantly, I want to know them forever and vice-versa. Breath of fresh air right there.
They've never lied to me, I'm very good at catching people out so trust me, I would of sniffed a porkie or 2 had there been any. Having been around the 'block' in surrogacy too, I've heard all the platitudes and experienced enough fakery of my own and towards others, to know what's the real deal and what's not. Nope, these 2 are genuine, just like they promised me they would be. They've no need to lie, no facade to uphold, no flashy lives to maintain - nope, they wear their hearts on their sleeves, their opinions loud and proud and are exactly who they are - no disguise, no smoke and fire, just 2 guys who love each other and want to have a baby with an open and genuine surrogate.
Now, that's not to say we've not disagreed - I recall recently having a heated discussion with one of them and raising my voice and crying at him in sheer annoyance at the situation and his response but you know what? It was OK. He took it, he gave me some back and the world didn't end. There was no silence for days, no air of awkwardness, no me left feeling like I had to try and smooth things over or risk being labelled the bitch. We resolved it like, well, like adults do - adults that respect each other and genuinely care for one another , adults who don't like to upset someone else and who aren't just flexing their muscles. The truly surprising part though was that I was surprised! My past experiences had obviously made me come to expect something completely different as an outcome to a situation like that, and it was pleasant to find I was wrong.
It's the little things too, these guys are always telling me how much they appreciate me and the amazing thing I'm doing for them - despite my hatred of the word 'amazing' (see my old blog for explanation...), I believe their sincerity when they say it. The appreciation I get from them, when I've not done anything to expect or deserve it specifically, tells me it's genuine and that makes it so much more special. The spontaneous texts or messages, that tell me how in love with their boy they are, how much they are looking forward to seeing me next, what they've been buying and asking my opinion on whether it's necessary - all of it, it all shows me that they aren't just talking the talk and playing the game, they actually consider me a friend, value me and my experiences and see me as an equal.
They also do the sweetest materalistic things - they send me surprise packages, this started prior to us even heading for treatment. Little touches, sometimes like on my birthday - big touches. Each carefully thought out and showing an understanding about who I am, what makes me tick and that they've truly thought about what they've purchased and that means a lot. They listen to who I am, I'm not just a womb for hire. I'm not just a pet to be fed 'treats' to keep me under control and coming back for more - to basically keep me sweet, no they care about me - something that was unfortunately lacking in matches I'd had before. Actions speak louder than words and these guys have shouted at me from day 1 in both ways.
I feel incredibly fortunate to of found these guys when I was least expecting it, I wasn't even looking. Perhaps there is some truth in Karma and this is my reward for last time? Maybe good things do happen to good people after all, you just have to wait until the right time for it to occur? Were these IPs sent into my path to restore my faith in surrogacy and erase bad experiences and worse memories? I would like to think that may be the case, all I know for sure is that we are respectful to one another and all on a level playing field and that's all I ever wanted - no-one thinking they are better than the other and no games. We're all in this together, to create life and make the journey of doing that as smooth and happy as possible, why encourage or create drama and waves to spoil something that should be so easy going and fab?
I should also thank my former IPs in this post because without our match, I wouldn't now know what I deserve, what I need and what I want from this/any future match. It made me stronger person and a better surrogate.
Tomorrow my former IPs will legally become the parents of my first surrogate baby. A new birth certificate will be issued, my name and existence on paper will be erased. And the bond we shared whilst creating baby Oli will change, perhaps even end....we are still closing a chapter regardless of what happens past that moment. Even at the end, it's not been particularly amicable from my point of view - I've not had the wool pulled over my eyes again and see as clearly as ever the big picture. It's certainly not what I had hoped for but in seeing the positives about the situation, once again it's taught me how strong I am and what I don't want to happen at the end of this journey.
Not sure I can ever completely make peace with my previous experiences but for now, acceptance that I can't change the past is helping me the most. It is what it is, they are who they are and I've been the best surrogate for them that I could of been and did all that I promised. Same as I promised my current IPs and something I know I can deliver on, even if the going gets tough.
No, this post is supposed to be about being thankful for what I do have, rather than dwelling on what I didn't have before but in truly being able to recognise and appreciate what I have now, it's important to realise what I've been through prior too and how the two are connected.
In fairness though, of course there were good times in my previous match, but this post is about my current match and how I'm thankful for what I have going on now, with them. For the former, you'd have to head to my other blog (link up on the left <----- ) that was about that particular match and see the times I thanked them publically and talked about how appreciative I was for the great things they did during our match...
Anyway, here ends the gushy post but truly, my current IPs are rocking my socks! I love 'em. There endeth the love fest, my point duly made.
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Saturday, 19 October 2013
Difficult
This pregnancy is kicking my ass in so many ways, it's just completely different to any of the others or at least it seems that way - my memory is so dodgy and pregnancy hormones have an almost amnesic effect so I could just be viewing past memories through rose-tinted specs rather than reality specs! LOL.
It's just been difficult from the start - the meds and their effects, the twin/on off thing, the bleeding, the pains, the morning sickness, the bleeding, the low placenta and the list goes on. I can foresee this pattern continuing the entire 40 weeks and I think that's why it feels like it is dragging so much. My hubster says he can't believe it's been 20 weeks already but I totally can, it seems like longer! I think, as I said to my IF, that that is because we've limped from crisis to crisis and a day seems like a week when you're on constant knicker watch for bleeding or waking up and waiting for the random but painful aches to begin.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant as a surrogate, it gives you a feeling like no other and one that is different to my own 3 pregnancies and I wouldn't change the course I've taken since deciding to be a surrogate for anything. No, but it's different and when times are rough it's hard to swallow and remember the happiness you're bringing and the amazing thing you're being entrusted to do for others. Sometimes it just plain sucks.
I've been in the definite suckage camp this past week, random pains and some spotting will put you in that place. So far though it has passed without any drama and we continue forwards ticking off the days.
Baby boy has started to kick more so this week and that's pretty lovely to feel - something that at present is just between me and him and it's almost like it's his way of saying 'hey tummy mum!' Love it. Won't love it so much when it's keeping me awake or causing me physical pain but like most of this journey, it's a little highlight that keeps you going when everything else is going rough and that's what we take as surrogates - the little things.
It's just been difficult from the start - the meds and their effects, the twin/on off thing, the bleeding, the pains, the morning sickness, the bleeding, the low placenta and the list goes on. I can foresee this pattern continuing the entire 40 weeks and I think that's why it feels like it is dragging so much. My hubster says he can't believe it's been 20 weeks already but I totally can, it seems like longer! I think, as I said to my IF, that that is because we've limped from crisis to crisis and a day seems like a week when you're on constant knicker watch for bleeding or waking up and waiting for the random but painful aches to begin.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant as a surrogate, it gives you a feeling like no other and one that is different to my own 3 pregnancies and I wouldn't change the course I've taken since deciding to be a surrogate for anything. No, but it's different and when times are rough it's hard to swallow and remember the happiness you're bringing and the amazing thing you're being entrusted to do for others. Sometimes it just plain sucks.
I've been in the definite suckage camp this past week, random pains and some spotting will put you in that place. So far though it has passed without any drama and we continue forwards ticking off the days.
Baby boy has started to kick more so this week and that's pretty lovely to feel - something that at present is just between me and him and it's almost like it's his way of saying 'hey tummy mum!' Love it. Won't love it so much when it's keeping me awake or causing me physical pain but like most of this journey, it's a little highlight that keeps you going when everything else is going rough and that's what we take as surrogates - the little things.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Big Scan Day
We had our big scan today and I'm pleased to report that all looks fine, baby is measuring spot on!
It was putting on a show for its daddies, wriggling around, showing us its beautiful face and making sure they had plenty of time to look at how gorgeous it was.
The ultrasound tech took ages looking at the heart, including having me move from one side to the other and switching to doppler flow to view it too and we were all beginning to feel a bit anxious that perhaps she had spotted a problem but it was simply that she was having a hard time viewing one particular aspect that she needed to. There was an audible sigh of relief when she said all was fine.
At the start, my placenta was indeed low and covering the entire cervix, just as we'd feared but suddenly near the end of the appointment she said my bladder had filled up nicely and flipped it out of the way!? She said she therefore didn't need to write anything down on the report about the placenta being an issue but I think that was situational, that because it moved, she couldn't write any different down but that it's essentially a watch and wait thing and since we're booked for a routine growth scan at 32 weeks, they will simply recheck the placenta as part of that anyway and see what's what then. She did however seem unconcerned it was low and covering at the start anyway, and said she had yet to see a placenta that hadn't moved by the time a follow-up scan was done so we're going with that for now. Even if the entire scan it had stayed low, they would do nothing different that have a follow-up anyway.
Baby was lying transverse still but of course there is plenty of time for that to change and it's not a concern at this stage, it does however explain why I'm getting pain so far up and across the top of my uterus because that's where it's hanging out! She was really high up with the probe so my uterus is obviously growing well, she was well above my belly button which was odd since it should be around belly button height but she didn't seem concerned and I'm not either, I know fundal height is subjective and nothing is more accurate than the actual scan and the measurements gained during that - which were all normal.
I should mention that at the start of the scan, the tech asked if we would like to know the gender and we excitedly answered yes! Now, I swore it was a girl because of my sickness, the nub theory and skull theory and I just felt sure it was. M said boy and B said girl. So, one of us had to be right and there was a 50/50 chance...
Straight away the tech announced she could see what baby was and showed us all very clearly that we're TEAM BLUE. Love that part of the scan, it was great to see the look on the boys' faces as they took in the news that they have a son on the way. Seems my body likes boys but this time it's nothing to do with me since my genetics aren't involved!
All in all a good appointment, we all came out grinning and it was lovely to get some much needed good news after last week's scare. There is a lull now because I'm not due to see anyone until 28 weeks, so middle of December and we're going to enjoy every second it and just take in the journey so far.
It was putting on a show for its daddies, wriggling around, showing us its beautiful face and making sure they had plenty of time to look at how gorgeous it was.
The ultrasound tech took ages looking at the heart, including having me move from one side to the other and switching to doppler flow to view it too and we were all beginning to feel a bit anxious that perhaps she had spotted a problem but it was simply that she was having a hard time viewing one particular aspect that she needed to. There was an audible sigh of relief when she said all was fine.
At the start, my placenta was indeed low and covering the entire cervix, just as we'd feared but suddenly near the end of the appointment she said my bladder had filled up nicely and flipped it out of the way!? She said she therefore didn't need to write anything down on the report about the placenta being an issue but I think that was situational, that because it moved, she couldn't write any different down but that it's essentially a watch and wait thing and since we're booked for a routine growth scan at 32 weeks, they will simply recheck the placenta as part of that anyway and see what's what then. She did however seem unconcerned it was low and covering at the start anyway, and said she had yet to see a placenta that hadn't moved by the time a follow-up scan was done so we're going with that for now. Even if the entire scan it had stayed low, they would do nothing different that have a follow-up anyway.
Baby was lying transverse still but of course there is plenty of time for that to change and it's not a concern at this stage, it does however explain why I'm getting pain so far up and across the top of my uterus because that's where it's hanging out! She was really high up with the probe so my uterus is obviously growing well, she was well above my belly button which was odd since it should be around belly button height but she didn't seem concerned and I'm not either, I know fundal height is subjective and nothing is more accurate than the actual scan and the measurements gained during that - which were all normal.
I should mention that at the start of the scan, the tech asked if we would like to know the gender and we excitedly answered yes! Now, I swore it was a girl because of my sickness, the nub theory and skull theory and I just felt sure it was. M said boy and B said girl. So, one of us had to be right and there was a 50/50 chance...
Straight away the tech announced she could see what baby was and showed us all very clearly that we're TEAM BLUE. Love that part of the scan, it was great to see the look on the boys' faces as they took in the news that they have a son on the way. Seems my body likes boys but this time it's nothing to do with me since my genetics aren't involved!
All in all a good appointment, we all came out grinning and it was lovely to get some much needed good news after last week's scare. There is a lull now because I'm not due to see anyone until 28 weeks, so middle of December and we're going to enjoy every second it and just take in the journey so far.
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
5am
And it seems a perfect time to blog! LOL. I can't sleep as my oldest is not well and up and down and so I'm awake anyway and of course have things to say about Monday's news.
It is more positive though, I had a pretty down day yesterday where I was consumed by negativity and just couldn't see how this would ever end well and obviously, as we all do, did far too much googling - which never ends well. It culminated in talking to B (IF) and having a bit of a mini meltdown at him, which he took in good grace and instead of giving me as much negativity and emotion back, which he would of been in his rights to do, he listened and we talked things through. I can't say at the time of the call, I was any further reassured or happy but just getting it off my chest helped me.
I decided to go back to Google and visit 'positive placenta previa stories' instead this time though and instantly found some uplifting experiences ladies have had, even with dire beginnings. Yay, not all doom and gloom!
I'm definitely feeling calmer currently, which may or may not last, we will see. One thread I read said that when you first hear low placenta at a scan and especially if you find out after unexpected and scary looking bleeding that you go into what she termed the 'shock and discovery stage', where you Google everything, scare yourself witless, stew and end up depressing yourself with the horror stories and then you come to terms with it slowly after that. I think that was immensely encouraging to read - that I'm not simply being a Debbie Downer, that this is scary times and what I'm feeling is normal and completely valid. I know it may seem an over-reaction to some reading my post yesterday and everyone seems to know someone who has had PP and it turned out fine but when you get the news, when you are actually pregnant and could potentially lose that baby, maybe lose your reproductive organs or even your life and add in that it isn't even your baby but one you have been entrusted to safely bake and deliver....well yeah, I dare you to behave or think much differently at the beginning.
Anyway, so yes I feel a bit happier and more optimistic today. Our plan is not to worry until the official big scan next week where we will get the official grade on what we are dealing with exactly and we also will ask to see a consultant to ask their opinion on things and take it from there. Baby steps, not panicking until we have to is the mantra for now.
Plenty of women have bleeding and a complete placenta previa, the dreaded grade 4 and yet it moves and they are taken off high risk status, complete bedrest is revoked and they go on to have a natural birth. There is no reason that can't be me. No reason.
I read many scary statistics during my time infront of the laptop screen, about 10-25% of babies dying when the mum has PP etc. During my more positive reading yesterday however, I read on the flip side that one half of 1% of ladies die with PP and 9 out of 10 babies survive a PP birth. See, for every negative, you can find a positive - it is just looking hard enough.
I'm still bleeding a small and sporadic amount, again that is a positive compared to Monday's scary stuff and so trying to take it easier. I can't help but wonder if that was caused by lifting 2 of my sleeping and therefore heavy children very late Sunday night - one is 5, the other is 7 so no shrinking violets, and no, there will be no repeat obviously but when I did it, I didn't think twice. I've read that the bleeding has no pattern, it can last for a minute or it can go on for days, you can spot/bleed/spot or bleed/stop/bleed and there is no rhyme nor reason and so I'm not worrying that I'm still seeing stuff and am preparing myself that that could continue to be the case for some time yet and that that is OK too. Remembering what I said yesterday about it not being baby blood but placental blood is helping too, no matter how worrisome it is to see it every bathroom stop, remembering that baby is fine is helping a little.
Anyway, it is now 5:30 (yes I type slow, damn tiny phone) and so I will sign off and try and snatch an hour between medicine time for the sick boy and hope I wake again still feeling as positive as I do now but even if I don't, I recognise now that that is OK and I will get back to the positive point again.
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