Last night was crazy, I don't know whether it was the meds or the way I've been taking them (all 3 at once, before bed) or something completely unrelated but I couldn't sleep. I went to bed at midnight and was still wide awake at 5:30am. Everything and anything was whirring around my head - of course all things surrogacy - the drugs, the flight schedule, leaving my children and also life in general and everything else inbetween. It was horrible, my brain just would not shut off.
I decided today that I would space my meds out instead and see if having a constant background level of hormones instead of one big hit, helped ease these possible side effects but it's too early to tell obviously so we'll see.
I do so hate these tablets, I thought I would be perfectly fine taking them but I'm really not. It's pushed my anxiety into overdrive and I've been imagining them doing all sorts to me. The 2 main concerns are that they increase the risk of stroke and DVT. Having already had a suspected PE (blood clot in my lung in 2006, in pregnancy) I am at a higher risk of blood clots and being larger, I'm at higher risk of stroke and blood clots. Add in that the other risk is of heart attack and my father died very early of a heart attack, which puts me at an increased risk already and yes, I am pretty damned scared of these pills. Let's not forget that they can increase your chance of suffering breast cancer, which when added to the increased risk of ovarian cancer than being on Clomid my last journey gave me...well yes, I'm very anxious. But, I try and reason that I will only be on them short-term, compared to those who take them constantly as a method of birth control and that these pills only contain 1 of the 2 ingredients that the birth control version contains so that should hopefully lessen the likelihood of those side effects, but I will be bloody happy to stop taking them and that's not good when I'm only 3 days into them and wanting it to be over already.
I did last night wonder what the fuck I was doing, doing this and wondered if I shouldn't just tell my IPs that I couldn't do it but by the time I had a short sleep, I felt a bit calmer and more rational. I bet if my IPs saw this, they would wonder if they'd commissioned a complete nutter so I'm glad that at this point, they don't know my blog exists - I'm keeping the crazy under wraps for now! LOL.
In other news, my beloved Grandma passed away today. I am not in the mind frame to say more, I am honestly shell-shocked. It doesn't matter she was almost 96, it doesn't matter that she lived a good life, it doesn't matter that we all expected this day would obviously come and she wasn't just a 'run-of-the-mill' grandma but like a 2nd mother to us all. We were so very close, I helped care for her and she literally was the cog that we all revolved around. I hope she knew how much she was loved, I'm positive she did as we told her all the time but I wish I had had one more day to see her and kiss her frail forehead, just to make sure. I'm sure she's watching over us all and I hope her passing perhaps allows for a life to begin...Maybe that's a good Omen for this cycle? We shall see. For now, my family are grieving for a truly amazing mum, wife, sister, aunt, grandmother and great-grandmother.
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